Delete all Images

[tectak]

I watched an old man taking pictures...mountains,trees and summer skies.
I watched a child cry for attention...screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes.
Which memories will last a lifetime...fading photos, sobbing years?

The old man stopped and smiled benignly...turned his lens towards the sun
and on the pavement danced a circle...ring of brightness, dancing fun.
Who will claim the greatest pleasure...now that they have swapped a tear?

The infant chased the dodging day glow...laughing at each twist and play;
in rheumy eyes a swell of memories...rising recalls, happier days.
Old man too late to capture moments...child too young to know that fear.

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding... the game was up, the brightness gone;
a click of shutter held the second...boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment...and in that instant all was clear.
tectak
Harestanes
2013

[rowens]

I like the form you make with the three dots. I don't like pictures very much, unless they're of pretty girls. And the conclusion seems too happy, even though it's not really, for me. That's all fine. But the other parts of the form, the meter and rhyming, all make it seem drawn out and artificial. Though I've been feeling that way about everything lately, in my war against art.

When I read it as two poems side by side though, I like it a little more. Especially the one on the right.

[tectak]

I like the form you make with the three dots. I don't like pictures very much, unless they're of pretty girls. And the conclusion seems too happy, even though it's not really, for me. That's all fine. But the other parts of the form, the meter and rhyming, all make it seem drawn out and artificial. Though I've been feeling that way about everything lately, in my war against art.

When I read it as two poems side by side though, I like it a little more. Especially the one on the right.

This has never happened before. You got it in one. Bugger. Yes. It is two poems, side by side. I hate art.
I figured this one out in an argument with myself. I saw myself taking pictures but wtf for? How long before a thing fresh in your mind changes in to a memory...I mean, have I got enought time left. I think I need to delete some images.
Just like half of it. That's pretty good.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

the form is called cleave, it's we're you can use more than one poem side by side and they make up three or more separate poems. the good ones can be very good. and they can be quite intricate.
not sure i like the ...'s, perhaps the indent tags might help improve on them.

Code:

I watched an old man taking pictures[ind]mountains,trees and summer skies.
I watched a child cry for attention[ind]screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes.
Which memories will last a lifetime[ind]fading photos, sobbing years?

would look like;
I watched an old man taking pictures[ind]mountains,trees and summer skies.
I watched a child cry for attention[ind]screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes.
Which memories will last a lifetime[ind]fading photos, sobbing years?

---

to the poem, a great effort at a hard form. i think in places (of both poems) you lose the thread a little. in the poem as a whole it isn't notices. but separately it feels like some lines are forced.
I watched an old man taking pictures
I watched a child cry for attention
Which memories will last a lifetimeon and of itself feels weak.
it feels a bit lacking in good images as well tom, again i think this is a casualty of the form.

still a good effort thanks for the read

I watched an old man taking pictures...mountains,trees and summer skies. summer skies is cliche
I watched a child cry for attention...screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes.
Which memories will last a lifetime...fading photos, sobbing years? should the / go after lifetime as well? specially if they're two separate poems as well as one large one?

The old man stopped and smiled benignly...turned his lens towards the sun
and on the pavement danced a circle...ring of brightness, dancing fun.
Who will claim the greatest pleasure...now that they have swapped a tear?

The infant chased the dodging day glow...laughing at each twist and play;
in rheumy eyes a swell of memories...rising recalls, happier days. i'd use he between rising recalls.
Old man too late to capture moments...child too young to know that fear.

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding... the game was up, the brightness gone;
a click of shutter held the second...boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment...and in that instant all was clear.
tectak
Harestanes
2013

Thanks for this, billy.
I had only heard of Cleave poetry indirectly. As I am not keen on "exercise" forms I guess I "stumbled" on this as if it was a new idea, never having pursued its origins.
There was another poem I stuck up on the "conversational" but perversely silent soliloquy between shagger and shagee which inspired the idea in me...there is nothing new under the sun!
I might have another go at this but it is votable on the ellipses. 1-1 so far?
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

I watched an old man taking pictures...mountains,trees and summer skies. <<< mountains,_trees
I watched a child cry for attention...screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes. <<< ok (but just: ok.)
Which memories will last a lifetime...fading photos, sobbing years? << sobbing years. that's good (y for t)

The old man stopped and smiled benignly...turned his lens towards the sun <<< dangerous! ;-) and I don't like "benignly" here!
and on the pavement danced a circle...ring of brightness, dancing fun. <<< yes!
Who will claim the greatest pleasure...now that they have swapped a tear? <<< It had to come and here it is: No. (Kitsch) (Please notice that, unlike milo, I am totally satisfied with typing down "Kitsch" only ONCE. Ooops, not thrice? But why not, if it is so much fun. Doesn't it make the poetic dilettantish delinquent look so much more unqualified? ;-) wtf! I need a beer. Luckily I have one.

The infant chased the dodging day glow...laughing at each twist and play; <<< oh man! ;-) see above.
in rheumy eyes a swell of memories...rising recalls, happier days. <<< you lost me. i don#t want to go there. it is, my friend, too touchy-feely. Just me.
Old man too late to capture moments...child too young to know that fear. <<< You Kind of save it by summing it up. Ok. Ok to that line. ;-)

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding... the game was up, the brightness gone; << < don't sing to me! ;-) Ok, It is finely exprssed. i give you that, you native Speaker, you. But! It sings too much for me.
a click of shutter held the second...boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment...and in that instant all was clear. <<< let me utter a german: Hm? ;-) Don't hold it against me. It is my spontaneous reaction.

tectak
Harestanes
2013

The intention is good. I like what you try here.
I don't know what Harestanes means.
2013? I would have thought that this poem is not that new. Or are you trying out something new? I recall your poem about North African desert flights. May I say that I prefer Tom's voice back then? I liked this fresh British semi-fascist attitude. Fascist only if it was Libya (in the 40ies), of course. I could go into into it right here but I must pee.


My pleasure to read you
aloud
against your
inhibitions.
--
and this just in private:
On an emotional level I am with you.

Your self-absorbed
serge

You have not yet convinced me that that's a bad thing (for me).

[tectak]

I watched an old man taking pictures...mountains,trees and summer skies. <<< mountains, trees
I watched a child cry for attention...screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes.
Which memories will last a lifetime...fading photos, sobbing years? << sobbing years. that's good (y for t)

The old man stopped and smiled benignly...turned his lens towards the sun <<< dangerous! ;-)
and on the pavement danced a circle...ring of brightness, dancing fun. <<< yes!
Who will claim the greatest pleasure...now that they have swapped a tear? <<< It had to come and here it is: No. (Kitsch)

The infant chased the dodging day glow...laughing at each twist and play; <<< oh man! ;-) see above.
in rheumy eyes a swell of memories...rising recalls, happier days. <<< you lost me. i don#t want to go there. it is, my friend, too touchy-feely. Just me.
Old man too late to capture moments...child too young to know that fear. <<< You Kind of save it by summing it up. Ok. Ok to that line. ;-)

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding... the game was up, the brightness gone; << < don't sing to me! ;-) Ok, It is finely exprssed. i give you that, you native Speaker, you. But! It sings too much for me.
a click of shutter held the second...boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment...and in that instant all was clear. <<< let me utter a german: Hm? ;-) Don't hold it against me. It is my spontaneous reaction.

tectak
Harestanes
2013

The intention is good. I like what you try here.
I don't know what Harestanes means.
2013? I would have thought that this poem is not that new. Or are you trying out something new? I recall your poem about North African desert flights. May I say that I prefer Tom's voice back then? I liked this fresh British semi-fascist attitude. Fascist only if it was Libya (in the 40ies), of course. I could go into into it right here but I must pee.


My pleasure to read you
aloud
against your
inhibitions.

Your self-absorbed
serge

You have not yet convinced me that that's a bad thing (for me).

Great to see you are back, serge. Much missed for a bloody german, as my friend Bernhard would say.
Just back from a brief sojourn into the Scottish Borders for some cheap whisky and skinny-dipping in The Tweed. Harestanes is a place on St. Cuthbert's trail.
Saw an old guy (90+) taking studied "views". Memories?
Needs work . Accidental Cleave poem but not a good one.
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

I watched an old man taking pictures...mountains,trees and summer skies. <<< mountains, trees
I watched a child cry for attention...screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes.
Which memories will last a lifetime...fading photos, sobbing years? << sobbing years. that's good (y for t)

The old man stopped and smiled benignly...turned his lens towards the sun <<< dangerous! ;-)
and on the pavement danced a circle...ring of brightness, dancing fun. <<< yes!
Who will claim the greatest pleasure...now that they have swapped a tear? <<< It had to come and here it is: No. (Kitsch)

The infant chased the dodging day glow...laughing at each twist and play; <<< oh man! ;-) see above.
in rheumy eyes a swell of memories...rising recalls, happier days. <<< you lost me. i don#t want to go there. it is, my friend, too touchy-feely. Just me.
Old man too late to capture moments...child too young to know that fear. <<< You Kind of save it by summing it up. Ok. Ok to that line. ;-)

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding... the game was up, the brightness gone; << < don't sing to me! ;-) Ok, It is finely exprssed. i give you that, you native Speaker, you. But! It sings too much for me.
a click of shutter held the second...boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment...and in that instant all was clear. <<< let me utter a german: Hm? ;-) Don't hold it against me. It is my spontaneous reaction.

tectak
Harestanes
2013

The intention is good. I like what you try here.
I don't know what Harestanes means.
2013? I would have thought that this poem is not that new. Or are you trying out something new? I recall your poem about North African desert flights. May I say that I prefer Tom's voice back then? I liked this fresh British semi-fascist attitude. Fascist only if it was Libya (in the 40ies), of course. I could go into into it right here but I must pee.


My pleasure to read you
aloud
against your
inhibitions.

Your self-absorbed
serge

You have not yet convinced me that that's a bad thing (for me).

Great to see you are back, serge. Much missed for a bloody german, as my friend Bernhard would say.
Just back from a brief sojourn into the Scottish Borders for some cheap whisky and skinny-dipping in The Tweed. Harestanes is a place on St. Cuthbert's trail.
Saw an old guy (90+) taking studied "views". Memories?
Needs work . Accidental Cleave poem but not a good one.
Best,
tectak

Oh, I would not say that it is not a good one, Tom. I updated my comment. Please reread. (Forget the milo stuff).


cheers
serge

[tectak]

More to come, but L2 is missing a space after the comma. -- please read the forum rules

Holy shit....I am doomed, I tell you! Doomed!
Best,
tec tak
(...and so are you! L1, surely?)

[serge gurkski]

comments deleted.

Please keep all discussion related to the poem in the Serious Workshopping Forum.

/mod