Smoking

[jdguyb]

I smoke the last cigarette
It fills me with satisfaction
At least I don't have terrets
My lungs are filled with emaciation

Maybe I should quit smoking
It would be healthier wouldn't it?
At least im not toking
And not blazing a bit

Jesus is the answer
Why does he force me to smoke
Like I'm a leper
With no hope

Maybe god will save me
probably not
He wants me to smoking the nicotine tree
But not pot

So I smoke my life away
And there is no stopping it
I look at my ash tray
and find it a despairing pit

[rowens]

You should cut the rhymes out and start from there. What is terrets?
The things you say about Jesus, and the things you say about pot don't hold together very well.

The ideas do just float by like smoke though. You could make more out of it.

[tectak]

I smoke the last cigarette
It fills me with satisfaction
At least I don't have terrets
My lungs are filled with emaciation

Maybe I should quit smoking
It would be healthier wouldn't it?
At least im not toking
And not blazing a bit

Jesus is the answer
Why does he force me to smoke
Like I'm a leper
With no hope

Maybe god will save me
probably not
He wants me to smoking the nicotine tree
But not pot

So I smoke my life away
And there is no stopping it
I look at my ash tray
and find it a despairing pit

Hi,
I have to ask this. Do you want to write poetry or just offload angst on to this site? Former or latter, you need to do it fluently. This, regardless of your ethos, is a poetry site. It is for people who, at whatever level of competance, wish to improve their poetic skills.
What is terrets, a crit asked? Do you know what it is? Do you know what emaciation means? Have you bothered to check? No. Well, you get no praise on this site except from others of a similar standing.
Check yourself out. Check your motives for posting in the first place. If you are happy that your poem is the best you can do on your own, then that is all we ask...oh, and of course, that you give feedback to others.
Best,
tectak

[R.C. KITCHENS]

I smoke the last cigarette
It fills me with satisfaction
At least I don't have terrets
My lungs are filled with emaciation

Maybe I should quit smoking
It would be healthier wouldn't it?
At least im not toking
And not blazing a bit

Jesus is the answer
Why does he force me to smoke
Like I'm a leper
With no hope

Maybe god will save me
probably not
He wants me to smoking the nicotine tree
But not pot

So I smoke my life away
And there is no stopping it
I look at my ash tray
and find it a despairing pit

I don't believe anyone forces you to smoke especially Jesus. The line does not make sense. The line following "Maybe god will save me" further's the depth of the piece not making sense because, God is associated with Jesus. I think there is a good bit of work to do here.
just a suggestion, maybe rewriting some of the piece would do good,
for example,

I smoke the last cigarette
It fills me with satisfaction

could be alternatively written as

Smoke from the last cigarette fills me with satisfaction

[jdguyb]

I'm sorry I know im no master poet I just started writing some one day and thought I'd share. It looks like I have a lot of work to do. This is a novice level poet forum isn't it? Just tell me how to improve my poetry and I'll do it. Again Im sorry. Give me some feedback with some tips on what to do to improve my poetry

[tectak]

I'm sorry I know im no master poet I just started writing some one day and thought I'd share. It looks like I have a lot of work to do. This is a novice level poet forum isn't it? Just tell me how to improve my poetry and I'll do it. Again Im sorry. Give me some feedback with some tips on what to do to improve my poetry

Good egg!
Just go through this piece and check upon the two words I pointed to. Correct the problem then READ your work OUT LOUD, using your natural speaking voice. You will then find where flow is faulty...rhythm is a difficult subject at high level but flow is a good starting point indicator.
Write what you mean to say to the reader, not what you THINK is your poetry. We judge ourselves highly...and the worse we are the greater the difference from the truth! This applies to all of us
Once you have re-punctuated, post the piece again.
Read more poetry but note that "sharing" what you think is worth sharing won't necessarily result in genuine thanks! Ignore all eulogies from crits using the words awesome, wow or love! These are the words used by those who think a ball point pen is a miracle from god.
Give feedback to others with some real thought behind it. It will help you and them.
Best,
tectak

[Ghassan]

I smoke the last cigarette
It fills me with satisfaction
At least I don't have terrets
My lungs are filled with emaciation

Maybe I should quit smoking
It would be healthier wouldn't it?
At least im not toking
And not blazing a bit

Jesus is the answer
Why does he force me to smoke
Like I'm a leper
With no hope

Maybe god will save me
probably not
He wants me to smoking the nicotine tree
But not pot

So I smoke my life away
And there is no stopping it
I look at my ash tray
and find it a despairing pit

Im new to this forum.. but since it is a collaborative effort I would like to state my opinion about your text...

I really can grasp the general meaning and intention behind it and I think I know where you are going with it... In the part where you start using Jesus, I would suggest you swap some few words that can enhance the aesthetic or musical properties of this poem...
by the way I really think toking is better that smoking

[Bunx]

I always enjoy poems and myths where Jesus is the main character. I feel as if you're saying Jesus is going to say you from cigarettes, which is nice. or Jesus is going to destroy the concept of marijuana, also hopeful. Or that the subject of the poem smokes cigs and it is ok because Jesus cures leapers, which is religiously correct.

I also love that pot is a subject in the poem. It feels as if the poem is talking about an unspeakable taboo or crime, but then you compare it is to death, Jesus and cigs. Hm i like this poem because it is confusing. please expand on your ideas so i can get a clearer message about marijuana!
tanks!

---

jd, thanks for all your postive feedback on my poems. id say maybe add more to make this poems true theme stand out. I feel like this poem is about forgiveness

[billy]

I'm sorry I know im no master poet I just started writing some one day and thought I'd share. It looks like I have a lot of work to do. This is a novice level poet forum isn't it? Just tell me how to improve my poetry and I'll do it. Again Im sorry. Give me some feedback with some tips on what to do to improve my poetry

i'm off topic here;

we don't expect novice poets to understand everything or even use every suggestion give. and we realize how daunting it can be. we just hope that a novice poet will pick up on one or two things that are mentioned in feedback. if it looks too much, ask a question, ie;

what did mean by cliche?
is there somewhere i could look that up.
could you explain this point in more detail please.

ask, always ask.

---

So I smoke my life away
I look at my ash tray
and find it a despairing pit

the above is what your aiming for not what is under this line

I smoke the last cigarette
It fills me with satisfaction
At least I don't have terrets you need a dictionary; [
ter·ret
[ter-it] Show IPA
noun
one of the round loops or rings on the saddle of a harness, through which the driving reins pass.]

My lungs are filled with emaciation [b]
e·ma·ci·a·tion
[ih-mey-shee-ey-shuhn, -see-] Show IPA
noun
1.
abnormal thinness caused by lack of nutrition or by disease.

Maybe I should quit smoking
It would be healthier wouldn't it?
At least im not toking
And not blazing a bit

Jesus is the answer
Why does he force me to smoke
Like I'm a leper
With no hope

Maybe god will save me
probably not
He wants me to smoking the nicotine tree this line is bad english
But not pot