Posts: 7
Threads: 2
Joined: Jul 2013
Hello members, my second attempt at poetry, feedback appreciated.
_______________________________________________
She fades away
hopes and dreams astray
visions of her here to stay
haunting memories of a mid-summer day
a feeling never experienced before
despair, lack of ability form the metaphor
symbolizing words I chose to ignore
walk in, shut the door
feeling sorry for one's self
her belongings, lifeless on a shelf
the questions commence
why her not someone else?
could it be revenge?
is life here to avenge
the former souls I bothered?
cant this be existence?
suddenly it makes sense
this is it no further resistance
seek no assistance
all born equal, reality kept consistent
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
i'll have to look at your first after this one
it's excellent for a 2nd attempt but needs lots of work, possibly too much work. the good thing is, if you listen to the feedback you get and work with it, you get exponentially better to start with. your next poem would be twice as good and the one after that 4 times as good...[but only if you take heed it when you've been doing it a few years t hat it gets bad, when you only improve minutely
good 2nd attempt
(07-28-2013, 08:53 AM)Ghassan Wrote: Hello members, my second attempt at poetry, feedback appreciated.
_______________________________________________
She fades away
hopes and dreams astray
visions of her here to stay
haunting memories of a mid-summer day your first line needs to be one of freshest (non cliche) and one of the best in the poem, you want to draw the reader in. she fades away is very bland, you also need a title try and think of
a feeling never experienced before
despair, lack of ability form the metaphor
symbolizing words I chose to ignore
walk in, shut the door. at present you're batting non for 2, it's usual when your new to poetry, we tend to write what we think poetry should be, instead of writing what we really mean. if you've heard a phrase before, discard and don't use it.
feeling sorry for one's self
her belongings, lifeless on a shelf this is a decent line it creates an image in the readers mind
the questions commence
why her not someone else? this is where the poem really falls apart, it needs to something we haven't read before, you have one good line build on that, use that one line as a template.
could it be revenge?
is life here to avenge
the former souls I bothered?
cant this be existence? [can't]
suddenly it makes sense
this is it no further resistance
seek no assistance
all born equal, reality kept consistent
Posts: 70
Threads: 19
Joined: Jul 2013
The rhyming is random. Maybe find a certain system to rhyme with instead of just parading it around the entire poem. The line "Walk in shut the door" really grasps the rhythm. I think its the strongest part of the poem. This poem is decent. I'm no better though I'm just a newbie when it comes to poetry. I hope my feedback helps cya!
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(07-28-2013, 08:53 AM)Ghassan Wrote: Hello members, my second attempt at poetry, feedback appreciated.
_______________________________________________
She fades away
hopes and dreams astray
visions of her here to stay
haunting memories of a mid-summer day
a feeling never experienced before
despair, lack of ability form the metaphor
symbolizing words I chose to ignore
walk in, shut the door
feeling sorry for one's self
her belongings, lifeless on a shelf
the questions commence
why her not someone else?
could it be revenge?
is life here to avenge
the former souls I bothered?
cant this be existence?
suddenly it makes sense
this is it no further resistance
seek no assistance
all born equal, reality kept consistent
give some feedback elsewhere please/admin
6 posts and no feedback,,,,,does it seem fair to you !
Posts: 7
Threads: 2
Joined: Jul 2013
Hey... Sorry for the late reply. Had no internet for a couple of days! I would like to thank you all for your
frank opinions, much appreciated. I am currently working on another text, taking into consideration all of your
suggestions and expertise.
