Africa

[soonforgotten?]

Edit 3

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace,
getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of a tropic place

And under its moon so round and bold
I see shadows labour though the sun has set.
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

These assiduous souls who own not a pen
– what do they do if they want to write? –
they, who lie sleepless in a humble den
awake with inspiration and without a light

I inquire the abundance on our hemisphere;
all our papers, pencils, erasers, and books.
Some of them must have been taken from there
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks


Original

As my eyes wander dreamingly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace
Getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an unknown place

I see under a moon so round and bold
shadows working though the sun has set
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

I think about those who don’t own a pen
– what do they do when they want to write?
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
kept awake by thoughts but without a light

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
all the papers, pencils, erasers, and books
Some of them must have come from there
carved out of an old Adansonia's[/i] crooks

[tectak]

Hi,
There's much wrong with this. You have posted it in Serious Workshopping but I think you would be better in Mild. If you want me to move it, just say the word.
In the meantime, the most obvious issues are line-by-line. There is much more needs to be done but overall you are to be congratulated for posting this piece as it demonstrates a concept worth working with.
Best,
tectak

As my eyes wander dreamingly astray"As" is a poor word. It implies synchronicity...will you show me what is happening AS your eyes wander dreamingly?
from one star to the next in rapid paceDo hurry up. What is happening as your eyes wander dreamingly? Hang on...this is a disconnect Dreamingly with rapid pace? Needs looking at.
Getting lost and ending up far, far awayWhy the capital "G". Have you started a new sentence? I see no full stop. Basic grammar should be attended to before posting. Forum rules.
on the night sky of an unknown placeI like the use of "on" rather than "in", but you write "...the night sky of an unknown place". How come? Have we jumped to a different galaxy, with a different night sky? You are not expressing yourself clearly.

I see under a moon so round and bold
shadows working though the sun has set This is very bland.It is the kind of line that is only NOT a cliche because no one would ever say it! Full stop after set. It is the end of a sentence unless you think otherwise.
Still their hands are empty and cold;Who? Who they? You have not said.Are we anthropomorphising the sun and moon? You are ahead of yourself ipso facto me, too
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweatLast time. Promise. Grammar. Put it right.

I think about those who don’t own a pen Huge disconnect! Where is this going...where has it been...where has it gone? Sun, moon, sweat, dust,shadows...er....pens? No to this.
– what do they do when they want to write?What is the dash for? Full stop after the peculiarly pensive peregrination on pens. It is at the very least, and most, a sentence. Then "What do they do when they want to write?" becomes salient. Answer? Use a pencil, chalk, charcoal, scratch on slate, type on a keyboard, chisel in stone, use a quill...it has all been solved centuries ago.
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
kept awake by thoughts but without a light" ...awake by thoughts" and "without a light" are not but-able. There is no dichotomy. It is possible to lie awake WITH a light. Needs looking at. Forced rhyme, too. May need a rewrite. The concept is STILL good if a little over-used...the reluctant muse, damn her to hell!

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
all the papers, pencils, erasers, and booksTold you so. Pencils.
Some of them must have come from thereWhere? Where for Pete's sake?
carved out of an old Adansonia's[/i] crooksToo clever, too late, too googled...and you CANNOT say "AN... CROOKS". Whatever that is. (tectak.apologies. Yes you can but I wish you hadn't ).Oh. It rhymes with books. Hurrah!

You should have less regard for rhyme if you do not have a huge lexicon at your disposal. If you must rhyme, that is commendable, but try to make the rhymes less obviously contrived. There is a danger, even in this, of over simplicity. Nursery rhymes creep in.
Again, I noticed that this was languishing. Perhaps the wrong forum but well done for the effort. I noted your crits on other's work and welcome you to the site.
Best,
tectak

[soonforgotten?]

Dear tectak,

I could not thank you enough for being the only person who has commented on my post. And no thanks to the moving, I like it right here (I have a mascohistic streak).

I embraced most of your suggestions (se the edited version below). On those points that I disagree with you I would like to clarify instead. Thanks again and looking forward to more suggestions from you and others.


AFRICA

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace,
getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an austral place

And under its moon so round and bold
I see shadows labour though the sun has set. We are anthropomorphising the shadows. The shadows of people who work until late in the evening
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

I think about them, (The shadows still, is it unacceptably unclear?)who don’t own a pen Pen is a metaphore for possesions in general here...
– what do they do if they want to write? – ...and writing is a metaphore for self-realisation, whatever that might mean for a person.
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
awake with inspiration and without a light Yes, of course you can lie awake with a light as well... but if you had a light you could get all those thoughts down on paper and out of your head. At least that was the point I was trying to make. In the same way, if you had the financial means you could study, travel, or whatever self-fulfillment means to people.

And I wonder how they all ended up here; Here as in the privileged part of the world.
our papers, pencils, erasers, and books.
Some of them must have come from there I provided so many clues already (the title of the poem, a faraway place.. and one clue is yet to be given in the final line... stay tuned!
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks Adansonia is the Latin word for the baobab tree (hence the italic). The baobabs are endemic to Africa and often mentioned in African literature. It has been said that "whitout the baobabs there would be no life in Africa...". "An" refers to the tree, not to its crooks. And the word choice is not random, the baobab is characterised by its think trunk and its crooky branches.

---

Edit 2

AFRICA

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace,
getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an austral place

And under its moon so round and bold
shadows labour though the sun has set.
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

I think about them, who don’t own a pen
– what do they do if they want to write? –
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
awake with inspiration and without a light

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
our papers, pencils, erasers, and books.
Some of them must have come from there
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks

[DeviousKid45]

As my eyes wander dreamingly astray -nice intro here
from one star to the next in rapid pace
Getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an unknown place -nice ending to this stanza

I see under a moon so round and bold
shadows working though the sun has set
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat-I like this whole stanza due to the imagery.

I think about those who don’t own a pen -we get a reveal that the above stanzas are thoughts of someone. really nice
– what do they do when they want to write?
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
kept awake by thoughts but without a light

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
all the papers, pencils, erasers, and books
Some of them must have come from there
carved out of an old Adansonia's[/i] crooks -nice ending to this poem

Very very good. Keep it up!

[tectak]

Dear tectak,

I could not thank you enough for being the only person who has commented on my post. And no thanks to the moving, I like it right here (I have a mascohistic streak).

I embraced most of your suggestions (se the edited version below). On those points that I disagree with you I would like to clarify instead. Thanks again and looking forward to more suggestions from you and others.
Good for you. Now...check your spelling and word use. You are sloppy in your writing...what the hell is mascohistic ?

AFRICA

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace,
getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an austral place Much better. What is austral? If you do not start correcting basic errors you WILL be moved to mild or novice. Read the rules for posting here.

And under its moon so round and bold "and" is a conjunction and you are not yet fluent enough to confidently begin a new sentence this way. It screams incompetancy. Lose the "and"
I see shadows labour though the sun has set. We are anthropomorphising the shadows. The shadows of people who work until late in the evening
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat Then it is a disconnect. If shadows , you cannot "see" sweat or dust on foreheads. To make a device work, you must follow through.

I think about them, (The shadows still, is it unacceptably unclear?)who don’t own a pen Pen is a metaphore for possesions in general here... Better to know how to spell metaphor before trying to use one...that will be one more word in your lexicon How do I get from labour/sweat/ dust on brow to pen? This is a busted metaphor which obscures meaning when it should clarify. That is what a metaphor...is for!
– what do they do if they want to write? – ...and writing is a metaphore for self-realisation, whatever that might mean for a person. You may think so...but I sure as hell don't see it....I don't even know who "they" are. Last I heard " they" were shadows. Get my point. Not a question.
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
awake with inspiration and without a light Yes, of course you can lie awake with a light as well... but if you had a light you could get all those thoughts down on paper and out of your head. At least that was the point I was trying to make. In the same way, if you had the financial means you could study, travel, or whatever self-fulfillment means to people."and" it is then. Not "but". Good. Consensus at last. You stretch this metaphor so much it twangs when you touch it. Keep it clear, keep it simple.

And I wonder how they all ended up here; Here as in the privileged part of the world.
our papers, pencils, erasers, and books.
Some of them must have come from there I provided so many clues already (the title of the poem, a faraway place.. and one clue is yet to be given in the final line... stay tuned!
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks Adansonia is the Latin word for the baobab tree (hence the italic). The baobabs are endemic to Africa and often mentioned in African literature. It has been said that "whitout the baobabs there would be no life in Africa...". "An" refers to the tree, not to its crooks. And the word choice is not random, the baobab is characterised by its think trunk and its crooky branches. Strangely enough I know a good deal about the baobob tree. Lots of people do. An tree...yes. Apologies. I am wrong on this one. The excuse is I expect errors now. Think trunk? Crooky? So why not say baobob? Is this a Latin class? Are we getting off on cleverness...I can do Latin, me.
Look, let's concentrate on english, shall we?
Edit 2

AFRICA

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace,
getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an austral place

And under its moon so round and bold
shadows labour though the sun has set.
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

I think about them, who don’t own a pen
– what do they do if they want to write? –
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
awake with inspiration and without a light

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
our papers, pencils, erasers, and books.
Some of them must have come from there
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks

---

Dear tectak,

I could not thank you enough for being the only person who has commented on my post. And no thanks to the moving, I like it right here (I have a mascohistic streak).

I embraced most of your suggestions (se the edited version below). On those points that I disagree with you I would like to clarify instead. Thanks again and looking forward to more suggestions from you and others.
Good for you. Now...check your spelling and word use. You are sloppy in your writing...what the hell is mascohistic

AFRICA

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace,
getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an austral place Much better. What is austral? If you do not start correcting basic errors you WILL be moved to mild or novice. Read the rules for posting here.

And under its moon so round and bold "and" is a conjunction and you are not yet fluent enough to confidently begin a new sentence this way. It screams incompetancy. Lose the "and"
I see shadows labour though the sun has set. We are anthropomorphising the shadows. The shadows of people who work until late in the evening
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat Then it is a disconnect. If shadows , you cannot "see" sweat or dust on foreheads. To make a device work, you must follow through.

I think about them, (The shadows still, is it unacceptably unclear?)who don’t own a pen Pen is a metaphore for possesions in general here... Better to know how to spell metaphor before trying to use one...that will be one more word in your lexicon How do I get from labour/sweat/ dust on brow to pen? This is a busted metaphor which obscures meaning when it should clarify. That is what a metaphor...is for!
– what do they do if they want to write? – ...and writing is a metaphore for self-realisation, whatever that might mean for a person. You may think so...but I sure as hell don't see it....I don't even know who "they" are. Last I heard " they" were shadows. Get my point. Not a question.
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
awake with inspiration and without a light Yes, of course you can lie awake with a light as well... but if you had a light you could get all those thoughts down on paper and out of your head. IF YOU HAD A PEN! At least that was the point I was trying to make. In the same way, if you had the financial means you could study, travel, or whatever self-fulfillment means to people. "and" it is then. Not "but". Good. Consensus at last. You stretch this metaphor so much it twangs when you touch it. Keep it clear, keep it simple.

And I wonder how they all ended up here; Here as in the privileged part of the world.
our papers, pencils, erasers, and books.
Some of them must have come from there I provided so many clues already (the title of the poem, a faraway place.. and one clue is yet to be given in the final line... stay tuned!
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks Adansonia is the Latin word for the baobab tree (hence the italic). The baobabs are endemic to Africa and often mentioned in African literature. It has been said that "whitout the baobabs there would be no life in Africa...". "An" refers to the tree, not to its crooks. And the word choice is not random, the baobab is characterised by its think trunk and its crooky branches.>>>> Strangely enough I know a good deal about the baobob tree. Lots of people do. An tree? Think trunk? Crooky? So why not say baobob? Is this a Latin class? Are we getting off on cleverness...I can do Latin, me.
Look, let's concentrate on english, shall we?
Edit 2

AFRICA

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace,
getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an austral place

And under its moon so round and bold
shadows labour though the sun has set.
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

I think about them, who don’t own a pen
– what do they do if they want to write? –
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
awake with inspiration and without a light

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
our papers, pencils, erasers, and books.
Some of them must have come from there
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks

[R.C. KITCHENS]

As my eyes wander dreamingly astray

"dreamingly" doesn't feel right, you could just
say "as my eyes wander"

from one star to the next in rapid pace
Getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an unknown place

I see under a moon so round and bold
dont know about this line, "I see under a moon so round and bold"
shadows working though the sun has set
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

I think about those who don’t own a pen
– what do they do when they want to write?
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
kept awake by thoughts but without a light
don't think the last line works well

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
all the papers, pencils, erasers, and books
Some of them must have come from there
carved out of an old Adansonia's[/i] crooks

Edit 2

AFRICA

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astray
I like this edit.
from one star to the next in rapid pace,
getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an austral place
had to look up "austral". Believe I liked "unknown place" above austral.
If your going to use austral, I think "plane" might be an option.

And under its moon so round and bold
I think you could start off with "Under"
shadows labour though the sun has set.
like the use of "labour" over working. But, I would use the term "labor"
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

I think about them, who don’t own a pen
– what do they do if they want to write? –
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
awake with inspiration and without a light
like the edit here. It reads better.
And I wonder how they all ended up here;
the And here seems alright to me.
our papers, pencils, erasers, and books.
Some of them must have come from there
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks

Some good edits. Austral might be an awkward word.

[soonforgotten?]

Thank you R.C!

aus·tral

adjective
1. southern.

2. ( initial capital letter ) Australian.

I used "austral" as another clue to the setting of the poem. A southern place, Africa. Funny though, how you native speakers react to the word. It seems as if it's not as intelligible as Dictionary.com suggests.

I like the word and would like to keep it, but please let me know if it's seriously out of place... I'm not a native speaker of English myself so sometimes I will have to take your word for it

[tectak]

Thank you R.C!

aus·tral

adjective
1. southern.

2. ( initial capital letter ) Australian.

I used "austral" as another clue to the setting of the poem. A southern place, Africa. Funny though, how you native speakers react to the word. It seems as if it's not as intelligible as Dictionary.com suggests.

I like the word and would like to keep it, but please let me know if it's seriously out of place... I'm not a native speaker of English myself so sometimes I will have to take your word for it

It is the wrong word. Africa and Australia? Why confuse? RC got it right. You meant astral. What is a native speaker?
Best,
tighten up,
tectak

[heslopian]

As my eyes wander dreamingly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace "In rapid pace" sounds odd. "With a rapid pace" feels more appropriate, though that could just be me.
Getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an unknown place Should "on" be "in"? And what unknown place are you alluding to? Does the night sky make the narrator feel as though they're in an alien environment?

I see under a moon so round and bold I like the description of the moon as "round and bold"; it's evocatively concise.
shadows working though the sun has set Most people, I'd wager, know that the moon can create shadows on Earth, so "though the sun has set" seems unnecessary.
Still their hands are empty and cold; Whose hands?
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

I think about those who don’t own a pen
– what do they do when they want to write?
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
kept awake by thoughts but without a light This is a good verse; it's melancholy and sweet; but it starts a new train of thought, continued in the next verse, which comes out of nowhere.

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
all the papers, pencils, erasers, and books
Some of them must have come from there
carved out of an old Adansonia's[/i] crooks I really don't understand this verse. How did we go from contemplating the night sky and landscape to wondering where stationary comes from? And what's with the last two lines? Are you suggesting that "papers, pencils, erasers, and books" have some kind of spiritual link to our human ancestors?

The poem starts reasonably well, but by its end becomes incomprehensible. A lot more clarity of thought is needed here. Whose hands and foreheads are you talking about in verse three, for instance? There's a good poem buried in this, I feel. A poem about someone contemplating Africa at night, then wondering about the origins of human expression and how people cope when filled with magnificent thoughts which they can't express for whatever reason.
All my critique is JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read

[soonforgotten?]

Dear all,

my warm thanks for your support and patience during my first week in this forum.

I have now edited my original post and updated it with "Edit 3". May I ask you to take one more look at it to see what you think? I understand that many of you found especially the 3rd and 4th stanzas hard to follow, and I hope that this last version is more intelligible, and that the critique against (neo)colonialism has become more obvious.

I'm particularly eager to know what you think about the first line of the 3rd stanza -does it work at all or was the original one better? This is an attempt to emphasize the fact that these hard-working souls own almost nothing, not even a pen.

Once more, thank you.

[heslopian]

Edit 3

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astray "Fearlessly" is an effective word choice.
from one star to the next in rapid pace,
getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of a tropic place "Tropic" is a good word here; it clarifies, somewhat, an originally confusing line.

And under its moon so round and bold
I see shadows labour though the sun has set. "Labour" is a much stronger word than "working" here.
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

These assiduous souls who own not a pen So the hands and foreheads belong to the "assiduous souls"? This is clearer than it was in your original draft, though a comma after "sweat" would really clarify it. Also, seeing as the other first letters of each line aren't capitalised (besides "I" and those which begin sentences, of course) it might also help if you make "These" lower case. That would make it clear that "these assiduous souls..." is a continuation of the sentence begun in line three of verse two.
– what do they do if they want to write? – Good use of parenthesis.
they, who lie sleepless in a humble den Is "humble" needed?
awake with inspiration and without a light Great line. The contrast of "with" and "without" makes it moving.

I inquire about? the abundance on our hemisphere; Should "on" be "of"? "On" feels inappropriate.
all our papers, pencils, erasers, and books. This is much clearer than it was in your original draft; the narrator's wondering how their part of the world ended up with its many tools of expression.
Some of them must have been taken from there
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks So Africa inspired or originated western tools of expression, making rudimentary stationary from trees; is that what you're suggesting?

The poem is stronger and clearer than it was, though I really can't see the connection to neo-colonialism. When I read that in reply to our feedback I was surprised; I hadn't noticed any hint of colonialism in the original poem, and I still can't see it in Edit 3. The narrator is clearly not native to Africa, but that in itself is nowhere near enough to suggest neo-colonialism. The poem just seems like a western tourist pondering Africa in relation to his own place of origin. JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read

[tectak]

Edit 3

I let my eyes wander fearlessly astrayNo. Not fearlessly.It is not a brave thing you do
from one star to the next in rapid pace, with pace. not in pace. Rapid is redundant anyway. With pace IS rapid
getting lost and ending up far, far away far, far away is nursery cliche
on the night sky of a tropic place tropical. Sloppy. Word use faulty.

And under its moon so round and bold Lose the "And" by losing the whole line. It is childishly naive and makes no real point. The moon is round. Sheesh![/bc
I see shadows labour though the sun has set.
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat[b] As last time. Nonsense in that the whole metaphor lacks veracity.

These assiduous souls who own not a pen You insult the ethos you are trying to exemplify. These poor souls have far more important issues. Clean water, drugs and antibiotics, food for Pete's sake. Here, chew a bloody biro. No to this. Again, veracity issue. It just does not ring true.
– what do they do if they want to write? –....or eat, or drink or avoid disease. Dashes are used incorrectly. Brackets may be better. No.Lose the whole line. It is specious
they, who lie sleepless in a humble den
awake with inspiration and without a light

I inquire the abundance on our hemisphere; I think your non-native english is letting you down. This sentence is gobbledygook. Please PM me if you want more help as I do not want to over-criticise in this "public" forum.
all our papers, pencils, erasers, and books.
Some of them must have been taken from there WHERE?
carved out of an old Adansonia’s crooks Again....nonsense. Papers, pencils,scissors, erasers and books carved out of a chunk of wood? Please!

Hi,
If you cannot see the errors as detailed you need more assistance in the use of language than can be given in such a short crit. I want to help but not at the expense of the forum. It may well be your remarked upon non-native (?) tongue. Please advise.
Best,
tectak


Original

As my eyes wander dreamingly astray
from one star to the next in rapid pace
Getting lost and ending up far, far away
on the night sky of an unknown place

I see under a moon so round and bold
shadows working though the sun has set
Still their hands are empty and cold;
their foreheads dusty, bathing in sweat

I think about those who don’t own a pen
– what do they do when they want to write?
those who lie sleepless in their humble den
kept awake by thoughts but without a light

And I wonder how they all ended up here;
all the papers, pencils, erasers, and books
Some of them must have come from there
carved out of an old Adansonia's[/i] crooks