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Coup
A desperate cry,
a whispered please,
a knife slid in,
with playful ease.
Three in the morning,
two voices raised,
one shot rang out,
zero were saved.
Tying the knot,
he hoped for death,
hanging there,
he begged for breathe.
Death finds us all,
we wait our turn.
We live our life,
to watch it all burn.
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Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
(07-25-2013, 04:43 AM)shekutarna Wrote: Coup
A desperate cry,
a whispered please,
a knife slid in,
with playful ease.
Three in the morning,
two voices raised,
one shot rang out,
zero were saved. -- instead of "zero", with the emphasis on the first syllable, you could try "but none" or "and none" depending on the connotation you'd prefer
Tying the knot,
he hoped for death,
hanging there, -- this line could do with an extra syllable, maybe "while hanging there"
he begged for breathe. *breath
Death finds us all,
we wait our turn.
We live our life,
to watch it all burn. -- this line has an extra syllable, so I'd take out "all"
Hi there. Your economy makes for some good drama, with only a few details but enough hints that we know exactly what's going on. You could look at your meter to strengthen this and I've put a few examples in the text for you. Hope that helps.
It could be worse
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It says a lot with little & paints a dramatic picture - ' Sketurna ' I think, makes some good points.
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This is very well written and the changes I would have suggested it seems like Leanne has pretty much summed up. It seems like you were aiming to have four syllables in each line so I would definitely say try and fix the lines where you have more or less than that, it would just make it flow better. Other than that, nice job!
