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Joined: Jul 2013
Today I packed a picnic.
A sandwich for me
and none for you.
The meal is not for two.
Today I packed a picnic.
I brought a book
to read aloud.
That will be the only sound.
Today I packed a picnic.
I have a blanket
the shape of a square.
Half of it will be bare.
Today I packed a picnic.
Seeing you
I must be brave.
I ate it at your grave.
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
Hi this caught me off guard when I read it through first time, and the last line was not expected and therefore had a bigger effect. In that aspect it is very well thought out, I'm not usually a fan of repeating lines but in this instance it works and makes it more poignant. It's simplicity is very effective and gives a message that it's the simple that people do together that makes them fall in love with each other and it's the simple things that are the most important. Also because of the last line it demands to be read again but with a different viewpoint and then things take on more meaning, especially the 2nd stanza.
The only thing that tripped me up was the rhyme in the 2nd stanza, it just threw me off beat slightly but apart from that I thought it was a good efficient poem.
Cheers
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(07-24-2013, 11:25 PM)TheWall0912 Wrote: Today I packed a picnic.
A sandwich for me
and none for you.
The meal is not for two.
Today I packed a picnic.
I brought a book
to read aloud.
That will be the only sound.
Today I packed a picnic.
I have a blanket
the shape of a square.
Half of it will be bare.
Today I packed a picnic.
Seeing you
I must be brave.
I ate it at your grave.
Hi,
This is worthy! It has all the elements of black humour...but hidden until the admirable end. Poetry does not need to be complicated, convoluted or cavalier...this is as good as it gets in this genre.
In fact, the more I read it the more I like it...so write something else. I can't wait.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 340
Threads: 204
Joined: May 2013
the wall, very effective poem. Last line did take me by surprise. I have never seen the theme of picnics be used to highlight a dead love. Reguardless! i think the reason why your first stanza is so perfect is it creates a mystery where death, is an outcome which is unpredictable. The shift in tone doesn't come till the end. Awesome poem! thanks!
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
Posts: 70
Threads: 23
Joined: Jul 2013
Thanks so much for all the feedback! I still have some editing to do but I think I have a good start so far.
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(07-24-2013, 11:25 PM)TheWall0912 Wrote: Today I packed a picnic.
A sandwich for me
and none for you.
The meal is not for two.
Today I packed a picnic.
I brought a book
to read aloud.
That will be the only sound.
Today I packed a picnic.
I have a blanket
the shape of a square.
Half of it will be bare.
Today I packed a picnic.
Seeing you
I must be brave.
I ate it at your grave.
I like the ending. At first I thought the refrain had to much simplicity but it all ties well with the ending. Don't really see anything to make a suggestion on. Good work.
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi,
I really enjoyed my reads of your poem. And with the unexpected ending, it made for a quite different read the second time. The repetition works for me, with the subject of matter, and with the fine simplicity of the poem. I have no crit. to offer.
Thanks for the read.
Best,
LB
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
the last verse holds the poem up. a suggestion would be to make the meter in each verse the same (use the first as a template) and sort out the none rhyming line, i like how you make the reader feel it's a walk out on me poem when in fact it's a passed away on me poem.
(07-24-2013, 11:25 PM)TheWall0912 Wrote: Today I packed a picnic.
A sandwich for me
and none for you.
The meal is not for two.
Today I packed a picnic.
I brought a book
to read aloud.
That will be the only sound. sound doesn't rhyme with aloud
Today I packed a picnic.
I have a blanket
the shape of a square.
Half of it will be bare.
Today I packed a picnic.
Seeing you
I must be brave.
I ate it at your grave.
