Old Midwest

[billy]

Our farm, like pa, was young and strong;
and bales were bucked by quaker's back.
He worked into the shadows long
that merged inside the dusky black
and golden grains lay sack by sack.
Old Nancy pulled the plough by day;
at night she ate, and then we'd play.
Her treat a bruised or wind-fell pear
that mom refused to throw away:
back then, when things were fine and fair.

---

1st edit, thanks to everyone who left feedback

Old Midwest

Our farm like pa, was young and strong
the bales were bucked by quaking back.
He worked until his shadow long
had merged inside the dusky black
and golden grains lay sack by sack.
Old willy pulled the plough by day
at night he ate, and then we'd play.
His treat an apple, or a pear
that mom refused to throw away,
back then, when things were fine and fair.

---

i tried my hand at a dizain, i'm sure the last line is forced but i found myself stuck in a corner, not sure how to do the last line any other way.

[billy]

i didn't want to use breaking back, and creaking felt old but i'll thing about it.

yeah, i put the comma after pa when it should have gone after like.
it is the American Midwest. back to the quaking back, i presumed after one had carried or toted a lot of bails there back would actually be shaking under the strain i'll take all your thought into consideration when doing an edit true, thanks for the feedback and for taking the time to read and reply. :J:

[billy]

thanks for mocking my punctuation :J: i thought the comma at lines end was inferred by the line break, i see however you used a semi colon which seems to make more sense.
thanks for the follow up, i'll probably use it unless i get a strict "don't you dare" from someone else

[cidermaid]

Hi Billy,
Much better than my attempt at one of these, which did my head in, so I understand some of the problems you have encountered with this.
Not sure i can offer much about your adherance to the form so will give a few thoughts on the story contents and some of the word choices.

Our farm like pa, was young and strong The farm being refered to as young and strong makes me think that perhpas it was a new stake/ frontier farm spoken of or else how could it be young. But I liked the pairing of image to personify the land with the age of the farmer
the bales were bucked by quaking back. I had not personally heard of bales (of hay or straw) being bucked before [i would have used chucked] but this does not mean it is the wrong word to use. Bucked has a strong image to me of the bale fighting back and being awkward about the job in hand. I think with quaking back might sit better as a descriptor..have had this problem after bale lugging enough times to know exactly what is spoken of
He worked until his shadow long This line just sounds odd to me, I get the image but: He worked into the shaddows long sounds a better way of describing of long hard days of manual labour and would reinforce the idea of breaking his back working the farm.
had merged inside the dusky black The start of this line would then need changing to something like: which (and would perhaps then bugger everything up)
and golden grains lay sack by sack. Love this line [and above connect]. The product of his broken back and sweated brow. Solid bygone farm image.
Old willy pulled the plough by day Didn't have a problem with old Willy...never heard of a person pulling a plough and dosen't matter to my read if this is an ox or a horse or a mule.
at night he ate, and then we'd play. This line and the next are the ones that i would say feels most odd or forced in terms of content. The idea of the images of the son getting to ride and play on the mule / horse is great and also the detail of the treat...but it just reads a bit weak as you have presented it and almost like you were suddenly in a hurry to finish the poem. The mule gets to eat some of the corn he has help to haul in (don't muzzle the ox and all that good stuff)...the boy gets to kick up some dust.
His treat an apple, or a pear
that mom refused to throw away,
back then, when things were fine and fair. Feel indiferent about the last two lines. I get an new image shoved in at the end but not really explained to suggest that the hard graft days of old are now percieved as somehow better than the current existance, but why? I was expecting some sort of link back to the opening image of the young man / farm land, to show them both now aged or something like this.

---

i tried my hand at a dizain, i'm sure the last line is forced but i found myself stuck in a corner, not sure how to do the last line any other way.

Sorry not much by way of help as such, but hope the thoughts on the story are of some help.
AJ.

[tectak]

Our farm like pa, was young and strongI ve read others so most of this going to repeat on you like kippers. Comma after farm. Semi colon(?) or something after strong.
the bales were bucked by quaking back.I understand "to buck a bale" and I understand the "quaking" of a back under strain of lifting a weight. I've done it and seen it often. Leave as is.
He worked until his shadow long
had merged inside the dusky black
and golden grains lay sack by sack.This is a quite excellent sentence if read correctly...it is rubbish if not. Long as in extended time...yes? Maybe merged in to..Please say yes.
Old willy pulled the plough by day Capitalise your Willy, billy, then something after day otherwise you write "by day at night"
at night he ate, and then we'd play.Get ought'a town At night billy played with his willy....yes....but seriously?
His treat an apple, or a pear"His treat, bruised apple, sometimes pear"...or why SHOULD she throw it away?
that mom refused to throw away,Tough call but colon here for me. No chronological dependency exists, no objective link....just a whistful recall. "that mom refused to throw away...pause...wait for it...back then, when things were fine and fair.
back then, when things were fine and fair.

---

i tried my hand at a dizain, i'm sure the last line is forced but i found myself stuck in a corner, not sure how to do the last line any other way.

Regarding your use of Willy, billy. ( Sorry. End of) Apart from Billy the Kid, Wild Bill ( actually, not a Bill at all, but a Butler) Hickock, and William Cody I cannot think of any Willys of the era sufficiently decrepit to name your horse after. The Americans like god botherin' and so just maybe the horse could be ol'gabreel or ol'nathan or ol'joshua or ol'...well, you get the idea. It's just that playing with willy after dark curls my spurs and rankles.
Overall, billy, another good effort. I am liking it.
Best,
sycophant tectak (it won't last)

[tectak]

Our farm like pa, was young and strong;
the bales were bucked by quaking back.
He worked until his shadow long
had merged inside the dusky black
and golden grains lay sack by sack.
Old willy pulled the plough by day;
at night he ate, and then we'd play-
his treat an apple, or a pear
that mom refused to throw away,
in days of old when life was fair.

---

i tried my hand at a dizain, i'm sure the last line is forced but i found myself stuck in a corner, not sure how to do the last line any other way.

Hi billy. I like the form..it's musical. And this poem has the vibe and theme of a folk song (that is a compliment).

I like the poem overall, but I think it would help to tweak the punctuation a little. I have taken the liberty of doing so above (in bold font), and have also edited the last line as ideas for you to consider. Thank you.

.....but if I know billy, he sure don't wanna end up his days in Cliche Canyon!
Best,
tectak

[billy]

Our farm like pa, was young and strongI ve read others so most of this going to repeat on you like kippers. Comma after farm. Semi colon(?) or something after strong.
the bales were bucked by quaking back.I understand "to buck a bale" and I understand the "quaking" of a back under strain of lifting a weight. I've done it and seen it often. Leave as is.
He worked until his shadow long
had merged inside the dusky black
and golden grains lay sack by sack.This is a quite excellent sentence if read correctly...it is rubbish if not. Long as in extended time...yes? Maybe merged in to..Please say yes.
Old willy pulled the plough by day Capitalise your Willy, billy, then something after day otherwise you write "by day at night"
at night he ate, and then we'd play.Get ought'a town At night billy played with his willy....yes....but seriously?
His treat an apple, or a pear"His treat, bruised apple, sometimes pear"...or why SHOULD she throw it away?
that mom refused to throw away,Tough call but colon here for me. No chronological dependency exists, no objective link....just a whistful recall. "that mom refused to throw away...pause...wait for it...back then, when things were fine and fair.
back then, when things were fine and fair.

---

i tried my hand at a dizain, i'm sure the last line is forced but i found myself stuck in a corner, not sure how to do the last line any other way.

Regarding your use of Willy, billy. ( Sorry. End of) Apart from Billy the Kid, Wild Bill ( actually, not a Bill at all, but a Butler) Hickock, and William Cody I cannot think of any Willys of the era sufficiently decrepit to name your horse after. The Americans like god botherin' and so just maybe the horse could be ol'gabreel or ol'nathan or ol'joshua or ol'...well, you get the idea. It's just that playing with willy after dark curls my spurs and rankles.
Overall, billy, another good effort. I am liking it.
Best,
sycophant tectak (it won't last)

thanks for the feedback tom, most of it makes sense, the rest is mullable it was probably my ego that name it willy

---

Our farm like pa, was young and strong;
the bales were bucked by quaking back.
He worked until his shadow long
had merged inside the dusky black
and golden grains lay sack by sack.
Old willy pulled the plough by day;
at night he ate, and then we'd play-
his treat an apple, or a pear
that mom refused to throw away,
in days of old when life was fair.

---

i tried my hand at a dizain, i'm sure the last line is forced but i found myself stuck in a corner, not sure how to do the last line any other way.

Hi billy. I like the form..it's musical. And this poem has the vibe and theme of a folk song (that is a compliment).

I like the poem overall, but I think it would help to tweak the punctuation a little. I have taken the liberty of doing so above (in bold font), and have also edited the last line as ideas for you to consider. Thank you.

thanks for the reading and the feedback foggle, will heed some of your suggestions when i do an edit.

for me your last line suggestion is cliche but it might help me wake up to a better end.

[tectak]

Our farm like pa, was young and strongI ve read others so most of this going to repeat on you like kippers. Comma after farm. Semi colon(?) or something after strong.
the bales were bucked by quaking back.I understand "to buck a bale" and I understand the "quaking" of a back under strain of lifting a weight. I've done it and seen it often. Leave as is.
He worked until his shadow long
had merged inside the dusky black
and golden grains lay sack by sack.This is a quite excellent sentence if read correctly...it is rubbish if not. Long as in extended time...yes? Maybe merged in to..Please say yes.
Old willy pulled the plough by day Capitalise your Willy, billy, then something after day otherwise you write "by day at night"
at night he ate, and then we'd play.Get ought'a town At night billy played with his willy....yes....but seriously?
His treat an apple, or a pear"His treat, bruised apple, sometimes pear"...or why SHOULD she throw it away?
that mom refused to throw away,Tough call but colon here for me. No chronological dependency exists, no objective link....just a whistful recall. "that mom refused to throw away...pause...wait for it...back then, when things were fine and fair.
back then, when things were fine and fair.

---

i tried my hand at a dizain, i'm sure the last line is forced but i found myself stuck in a corner, not sure how to do the last line any other way.

Regarding your use of Willy, billy. ( Sorry. End of) Apart from Billy the Kid, Wild Bill ( actually, not a Bill at all, but a Butler) Hickock, and William Cody I cannot think of any Willys of the era sufficiently decrepit to name your horse after. The Americans like god botherin' and so just maybe the horse could be ol'gabreel or ol'nathan or ol'joshua or ol'...well, you get the idea. It's just that playing with willy after dark curls my spurs and rankles.
Overall, billy, another good effort. I am liking it.
Best,
sycophant tectak (it won't last)

thanks for the feedback tom, most of it makes sense, the rest is mullable it was probably my ego that name it willy

---

Our farm like pa, was young and strong;
the bales were bucked by quaking back.
He worked until his shadow long
had merged inside the dusky black
and golden grains lay sack by sack.
Old willy pulled the plough by day;
at night he ate, and then we'd play-
his treat an apple, or a pear
that mom refused to throw away,
in days of old when life was fair.

---

i tried my hand at a dizain, i'm sure the last line is forced but i found myself stuck in a corner, not sure how to do the last line any other way.

Hi billy. I like the form..it's musical. And this poem has the vibe and theme of a folk song (that is a compliment).

I like the poem overall, but I think it would help to tweak the punctuation a little. I have taken the liberty of doing so above (in bold font), and have also edited the last line as ideas for you to consider. Thank you.

thanks for the reading and the feedback foggle, will heed some of your suggestions when i do an edit.

for me your last line suggestion is cliche but it might help me wake up to a better end.

.......told you so
tectak

[billy]

these are god fearing back quaking farmers

thanks for the farm suggestion true :J:

[milo]

these are god fearing back quaking farmers

thanks for the farm suggestion true :J:

is it possible that these farmers could be actual Quakers http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quakers?

I think I would enjoy that very much.

[billy]

hehe. it's what quakers do but no, it's just a trembling back under the strain of a bale

[billy]

back on topic guys. (me included) lets not forget we're in serious

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Our farm like pa, was young and strong
the bales were bucked by quaking back.
He worked until his shadow long
had merged inside the dusky black
and golden grains lay sack by sack.
Old willy pulled the plough by day
at night he ate, and then we'd play.
His treat an apple, or a pear
that mom refused to throw away,
back then, when things were fine and fair.

---

i tried my hand at a dizain, i'm sure the last line is forced but i found myself stuck in a corner, not sure how to do the last line any other way.

Just some idea's for the last line..Since "fine and fair" are to similar in meaning, I thought "back then, when things were fine and rare"

"His treat an apple, or a pear
that mom refused to throw away,"
back then, living was fine and fair

"His treat an apple, or a pear
that mom refused to throw away,"
back then, living was fine and rare

just some idea's

[billy]

Our farm, like pa, was young and strong;
and bales were bucked by Quaker's back.
He worked into the shadows long
that merged inside the dusky black,
and golden grains lay sack by sack.
Old Nancy pulled the plough by day;
at night she ate, and then we'd play.
Her treat a bruised or wind-fell pear
that mom refused to throw away:
back then, when things were fine and fair.

---

edit 1

Old Midwest

Our farm like pa, was young and strong
the bales were bucked by quaking back.
He worked until his shadow long
had merged inside the dusky black
and golden grains lay sack by sack.
Old willy pulled the plough by day
at night he ate, and then we'd play.
His treat an apple, or a pear
that mom refused to throw away,
back then, when things were fine and fair.

---

i tried my hand at a dizain, i'm sure the last line is forced but i found myself stuck in a corner, not sure how to do the last line any other way.