Heartbroken

[ireland4scots]

ORIGINAL
Big War, Small Return,
Small Town, Big House,
Big Door, Small Note,
Heartbroken.

Heavy Heart, Small Thirst
Heavy Booze, Small Breath,
Heavy Stench, Small Gun,
Heavy Movement, Yet Simple.

Simple Squeeze, Big Mess,
Small Action, Heavy Stench.

EDITED
Big War, Small Return,
Small Town, Big House,
Big Door, Small Note,
Heartbroken.

Heavy Heart, Small Thirst
Heavy Booze, Small Breath,
Heavy Stench, Small Gun,
Heavy Movement, Yet Simple.

Big Bang, Small Flash,
Small Bullet, Big Splat,
Small Hole, Big Tank,
Big Explosion, Traumatized.

Dear John, Lonely Fate,
Small Barrel, Little Faith,
Missing Leg, Missing Heart,
Big Eyes, Long Stare,
Darkness Creeps.

Simple Squeeze, Big Mess,
Small Action, Heavy Stench.

[TheWall0912]

One word: Wow. The ending is really powerful in my opinion. I really liked it. Only question is, why switch the big and small in the second line? It doesn't bother me though. Great poem

[ireland4scots]

One word: Wow. The ending is really powerful in my opinion. I really liked it. Only question is, why switch the big and small in the second line? It doesn't bother me though. Great poem

Thanks for your response , and I decided that I would counter the set up between the first and second paragraph to indicate the change in mood. And again, thanks for the feedback

[cidermaid]

Note from Mod;
I saw your question. Is this the poem you were thinking of moving?
If so which forum board would you like it moved to? (Perhaps the novice section for some medium depth crit)
Back in 4hrs will look in and move if required.

Although you already have two poems running in the novice thread. Perhaps give it a few days and spend some time focusing on what feedback is given and look at some edits on these first. (This poem can still be moved with any comments gathered in this posting).

[ireland4scots]

Note from Mod;
I saw your question. Is this the poem you were thinking of moving?
If so which forum board would you like it moved to? (Perhaps the novice section for some medium depth crit)
Back in 4hrs will look in and move if required.

Although you already have two poems running in the novice thread. Perhaps give it a few days and spend some time focusing on what feedback is given and look at some edits on these first. (This poem can still be moved with any comments gathered in this posting).

I would like this one moved, but thanks for the concern

Done.
Don't forget to leave some comments on other poems in one of the workshoping threads. AJ.

[rowens]

It doesn't seem to be too much to it.

But I'm jaded.

[Bunx]

i don't know about the subject of this poem. i am assuming it is a solider of some type. perhpas vietnam, not sure. If i had a critique i would way this poem is quite board. you should go more in depth with the subject. describe events of war, paint the picture of his gun point thoughts? what does he want to do and why?

[ireland4scots]

i don't know about the subject of this poem. i am assuming it is a solider of some type. perhpas vietnam, not sure. If i had a critique i would way this poem is quite board. you should go more in depth with the subject. describe events of war, paint the picture of his gun point thoughts? what does he want to do and why?

I took your advice and I added more to the poem. I still feel that I might add more later on, but this draft I conjured up adds more than the previous draft did.

[Bunx]

awesome! i really like where you went with his back story. i feel like the picture i get now has an image i was missing. thanks so much for the edit and the poem!

[jdguyb]

The darkness of this poem is overwhelming. I'm honestly scared reading it. I have nothing to say great poem. It flows nicely. Perfect rhythm. You perfectly described why everyone is killing themselves. That is what your trying to convey I hope. Unless I've missed something entirely.