(07-25-2013, 12:07 AM)tectak Wrote: (07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
[quote='tectak' pid='133916' dateline='1374678420']
[quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Sorry for the bizarre methodology in this crit, rowens, but it won't let me post it any other way. The empty crit box is a symptom of something technical.
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
[quote='tectak' pid='133916' dateline='1374678420']
[quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday. Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession. In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus, It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
I can see it, but not in a useful way. And I can't see my response either.
Maybe the succubus got it all too
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: Were you there yesterday, or was it me, The lack of question marks makes these lines seem like rivers undammed.
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday. This feels cute/creepy/solemn/desperate. A whole lot of things. It's a full statement that says a lot about feeling and less about the meaning of having the same birthday. Cool.
It was a broken ministry,
just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,
and a host of other guests.
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession. A professional tranny?
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus, Is it? ouch. I guess my aspirations to become a famous writer should be stashed away.
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister, More creepiness here. A comment on supposed incestuousness--
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer. Blerg
I'll be there in a minute.
I can see the last comments.
For mine and Tectak's, there's the Pig's Arse for you...
The question isn't really a question in the first part. Although I said it is in the Pig's Arse. It is and it isn't...
Just like she is and isn't, and I isn't.
Them succubae steal souls, you know?
Posts: 340
Threads: 204
Joined: May 2013
(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday. Are ya'll twins in this poem? or is it an anniversary? anyways i like that you made a point to make this stanza about a specific date
It was a broken ministry,
just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,
and a host of other guests.Makes me think that the subject of this poem could be speaking beyond the grave wooOOoo
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,signifies that this isn't incest. damn...
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.Like this poem alot, in its mysterious ways. I think that the narrator of the poem is a friend of the persons funeral they are intending. Perhaps the son or groundskeeper himself. Anyways this poem still gets to me
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
[quote='tectak' pid='133916' dateline='1374678420']
[quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
(07-18-2013, 01:26 AM)rowens Wrote: quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Sorry for the bizarre methodology in this crit, rowens, but it won't let me post it any other way. The empty crit box is a symptom of something technical.
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
[quote='tectak' pid='133916' dateline='1374678420']
[quote='rowens' pid='132915' dateline='1374078386']
Were you there yesterday, or was it me,
standing there in the spring like a row of corn
from a memory of that autumn day
you didn't come to see me on our birthday.Believe it or not, you still need a question mark here even though I have forgotten what the question was. A solid opener, here, rowens...in calculated intent, if not in absolute clarity. The "there...there" rankles but it serves to distract from the twisted syntax of "Were you there yesterday....from a memory of that autumn day....." Even a full stop after "day" would help to add meaning rather than add complexity.
It was a broken ministry, You may be subtle, but I am an old boy. I didn't need to google "broken ministry" to check it's cliche rating ( low due to stigma) Respect. Full stop after ministry. It is complete unto itself.
just your mother, your dad,[/b]New sentence here?
eternal undertaker in common Saturday,[b] Surely not? Full stop after "common" then you get this:
"just your mother, your dad,
eternal undertaker in common.
Saturday; and a host of other guests." or not?
You smiled when I walked over,
wearing your black trousers, like me,I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, I believe. You were wearing her black trousers? Leave out "your" and all is well. Alternatively, "I smiled when you walked over, wearing black trousers, like me..." otherwise you just shot two elephants in your pyjamas.
instead of your usual black skirts
that mimic your father's profession.In fact....forget it. Just rewrite this whole stanza...I don't know who is wearing what and not sure it matters
Handing out samples in a grocery store;
I guess when every girl's dream is to become a succubus,It was such a great line break I am adrift. There is, again, a very interesting subtlety in dreaming of becoming a succubus. It is almost a Klein jar thought! I like it but I don't get it
the legitimate ones have to find legitimate work too.
So was it you? Everyone thought you were my sister,
except your parents, of course; and thank goodness for that.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take you home
and let you steal so much of my soul.
Something your boyfriend has never had to offer.
Hi rowens,
It got a bit anal at the end but where better to get anal? Overall, there is a kind of loose-bowelled motion to this. Like somebody shivering after a litre of lactulose. I think it needs tightening up if only to prevent it sounding like a homage to a hidden love in the style of Alice's Restaurant.
Best,
tectak
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