Street Sleep Walking Edit 1 milo, billy, brownlie,leanne et al.

[tectak]

Edit 1 milo, billy, brownlie. A major task force.


Colonic dark wynds, city-black alleyways,
ensconce and absorb those consumed by their lives;
sack-wrapped and trapped like societal garbage,
sliding like stools through their sweet syringed days.
Chill shivers them, vile and blood-bound botulus;
yet comatose they lie.

Look long into shadows where eyes peer unseeing.
Listen, and hear their doleful dolors.
The rasping song of cellophane cockling:
lungs crackling while sucking on the teat of dank air.
Nightmares rise up into throats scarred by screaming;
in times like these they die.

Do not lie close, let distance protect you
from traffic that crawls Peristaltic Highway;
Enuresis breaches in each writhing bundle,
so rise up, you beauties, to the unceasing call.
This is a destiny none would believe in;
except for you and I.

tectak
Middlesborough 2002


Original
The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste,
ensconce and shelter the vile and the fallen.
They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair.

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas,
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind.

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

Tectak
2012

[Brownlie]

I think this poem has some compelling imagery but there is some stuff that can be cut.

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste,
esconce and shelter the vile and the fallen.--Esconce? Did you mean ensconce?
They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance -- I would get rid of societal garbage it is too much of a qualitative judgment.
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair. -- Coma of hidden despair, what would that look like?

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness -But for the darkness reads awkwardly.
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas,
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind.

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden. --Too many descriptors in my opinion.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

Tectak
2012

I would stick to an unbiased description of the abject members of society, though with your title it could just be about sleep walking. My two cents, obviously it is your poem.

[tectak]

I think this poem has some compelling imagery but there is some stuff that can be cut.

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste,
esconce and shelter the vile and the fallen.--Esconce? Did you mean ensconce?
They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance -- I would get rid of societal garbage it is too much of a qualitative judgment.
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair. -- Coma of hidden despair, what would that look like?

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness -But for the darkness reads awkwardly.
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas,
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind.

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden. --Too many descriptors in my opinion.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

Tectak
2012

Hi brownlie,
you have got to the nub of what irritates me about this piece. I wrote it after a particularly depressing visit to Middlesbro back in the late 90's and did a rewrite about a year back...there was a tv documentary on the very estate I had been working in. I had a computer nicked first time round and against police advice went back at night to try to talk to the locals with a view to its return. Long story. I got it back but needed the police to get involved. The first thing I wrote on it was this. It irritates me BECAUSE it shows my bias....I was judgemental.
ensconced it is....I have read the original and it was correct. Unforgivable typo...I should have spotted it. Good catch.
I think you make a good point on the diatribe towards the end. I will cut it.
Best,
tectak

I would stick to an unbiased description of the abject members of society, though with your title it could just be about sleep walking. My two cents, obviously it is your poem.

[Brownlie]

I think this poem has some compelling imagery but there is some stuff that can be cut.

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste,
esconce and shelter the vile and the fallen.--Esconce? Did you mean ensconce?
They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance -- I would get rid of societal garbage it is too much of a qualitative judgment.
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair. -- Coma of hidden despair, what would that look like?

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness -But for the darkness reads awkwardly.
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas,
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind.

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden. --Too many descriptors in my opinion.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

Tectak
2012

Hi brownlie,
you have got to the nub of what irritates me about this piece. I wrote it after a particularly depressing visit to Middlesbro back in the late 90's and did a rewrite about a year back...there was a tv documentary on the very estate I had been working in. I had a computer nicked first time round and against police advice went back at night to try to talk to the locals with a view to its return. Long story. I got it back but needed the police to get involved. The first thing I wrote on it was this. It irritates me BECAUSE it shows my bias....I was judgemental.
ensconced it is....I have read the original and it was correct. Unforgivable typo...I should have spotted it. Good catch.
I think you make a good point on the diatribe towards the end. I will cut it.
Best,
tectak

I would stick to an unbiased description of the abject members of society, though with your title it could just be about sleep walking. My two cents, obviously it is your poem.

You could always tell the story and put in misc. and I will give it a read. Of course, you might want to stick to poetry. Typos are forgiven we are only human after all.

[billy]

for me there are two problem areas tom. lots of adjectives ( i think that's what they are and some the line breaks feels as though they could be better done. though i realize i'm being subjective

i did enjoy the narration apart from the pepsi homage on line 3 of the last stanza. 28 was 25 too many

i like the way you use longer lines but i think this is one of those poems that would benefit from breaking the lines up, and again it's just me being subjective but i think a line break can do the work of an odd comma really well.

thanks for the reads

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste, colonic makes me think of what you intend me to think. i had to google wynds and i'm not sure it works as you have it laid down.
ensconce and shelter the vile and the fallen. ensconce or shelter is redundant
They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies, some stark images that work well
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair. I'm not sure either of your [they are's] in this stanza add anything to the poem.

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas, first 2 lines feel overly wordy
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind. again it feels wordy with little payola

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled, a solid line. the forcefulness of the line has tension in it
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden. now i'm reminded of the thirst quenching pepsi ad, (which isn't so good)
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.h ad to look up enuresis (you're making me work) i liked its use in this line.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call. my beauties feels forced and unneeded?

Tectak
2012

[tectak]

for me there are two problem areas tom. lots of adjectives ( i think that's what they are and some the line breaks feels as though they could be better done. though i realize i'm being subjective

i did enjoy the narration apart from the pepsi homage on line 3 of the last stanza. 28 was 25 too many

i like the way you use longer lines but i think this is one of those poems that would benefit from breaking the lines up, and again it's just me being subjective but i think a line break can do the work of an odd comma really well.

thanks for the reads

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste, colonic makes me think of what you intend me to think. i had to google wynds and i'm not sure it works as you have it laid down.
ensconce and shelter the vile and the fallen. ensconce or shelter is redundant
They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies, some stark images that work well
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair. I'm not sure either of your [they are's] in this stanza add anything to the poem.

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas, first 2 lines feel overly wordy
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind. again it feels wordy with little payola

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled, a solid line. the forcefulness of the line has tension in it
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden. now i'm reminded of the thirst quenching pepsi ad, (which isn't so good)
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.h ad to look up enuresis (you're making me work) i liked its use in this line.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call. my beauties feels forced and unneeded?

Tectak
2012

Hi billy,
I really want to destroy this one as I am not happy with it at all. There is way too much in it that I want to say but which may be better said by saying less...as you said I will let it be mauled a while then hack into it. I agree with everything you said
Best,
tectak
PS I am not good at the veracity verse.

[billy]

it's not that bad tom, and well worth editing, so i'm glad you're not just binning it

[milo]

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste,

you have "colonic winds" do you really need "dark" or "stench"?

ensconce and shelter the vile and the fallen.

is the stench doing the ensconcing here? Then you have a verb disagreement. Otherwise you have a clarity issue. Also, the vile and the fallen? You must be able to do better than that.

They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair.

"comas of hidden despair" is both abstract and banal while also being contrived. Why "sack-wrapped AND bagged", wouldn't one or the other do the trick? "with" their blood threatened bodies suggests there is an alternative option of "without" their blood threatened bodies"?

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas,
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind.

"look quickly and side-wise into" is awkward and wordy. "where but for the darkness"? Dis you really write that ,Tom? "tears of gratitude", "assaulting vistas" - ugh. "threaten by closeness to you" - wordy and awkward. Do you need the"protection" right after you mention the shield? I would think you wouldn't need "look" if you have linger. "Sleep like the blind" is interesting but it feels like it would be interesting in a different poem.

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

Are you hearing the lungs "through" the crackling congestion or is the congestion the sound /of/ the lungs? "Death on the prowl" = lol. What is broken by silence? lungs(??!!)

all in all, much of it is wordy, contrived and over-modified.

Thanks for posting.

[tectak]

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste,

you have "colonic winds" do you really need "dark" or "stench"?

ensconce and shelter the vile and the fallen.

is the stench doing the ensconcing here? Then you have a verb disagreement. Otherwise you have a clarity issue. Also, the vile and the fallen? You must be able to do better than that.

They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair.

"comas of hidden despair" is both abstract and banal while also being contrived. Why "sack-wrapped AND bagged", wouldn't one or the other do the trick? "with" their blood threatened bodies suggests there is an alternative option of "without" their blood threatened bodies"?

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas,
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind.

"look quickly and side-wise into" is awkward and wordy. "where but for the darkness"? Dis you really write that ,Tom? "tears of gratitude", "assaulting vistas" - ugh. "threaten by closeness to you" - wordy and awkward. Do you need the"protection" right after you mention the shield? I would think you wouldn't need "look" if you have linger. "Sleep like the blind" is interesting but it feels like it would be interesting in a different poem.

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

Are you hearing the lungs "through" the crackling congestion or is the congestion the sound /of/ the lungs? "Death on the prowl" = lol. What is broken by silence? lungs(??!!)

all in all, much of it is wordy, contrived and over-modified.

Thanks for posting.

Absolutely.
Returned from holiday suitably refreshed?
Yes...I genuinely posted this uncorrected/unfiltered from a pretty turgid event some years back. I did do a rewrite but without enthusiasm. I intendfollowing my own advice and really hacking it up. To that end, let loose a fusillade! What is left after the slaughter may be thebasis for a new piece. If nothing is left,so be it.
Be warned, I have dozens if efforts like this just lying around.
All comments will be welcomed. I like to workshop one every now and again and if its my own I can't offend anyone!
Best
tectak

[milo]

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste,

you have "colonic winds" do you really need "dark" or "stench"?

ensconce and shelter the vile and the fallen.

is the stench doing the ensconcing here? Then you have a verb disagreement. Otherwise you have a clarity issue. Also, the vile and the fallen? You must be able to do better than that.

They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair.

"comas of hidden despair" is both abstract and banal while also being contrived. Why "sack-wrapped AND bagged", wouldn't one or the other do the trick? "with" their blood threatened bodies suggests there is an alternative option of "without" their blood threatened bodies"?

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas,
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind.

"look quickly and side-wise into" is awkward and wordy. "where but for the darkness"? Dis you really write that ,Tom? "tears of gratitude", "assaulting vistas" - ugh. "threaten by closeness to you" - wordy and awkward. Do you need the"protection" right after you mention the shield? I would think you wouldn't need "look" if you have linger. "Sleep like the blind" is interesting but it feels like it would be interesting in a different poem.

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

Are you hearing the lungs "through" the crackling congestion or is the congestion the sound /of/ the lungs? "Death on the prowl" = lol. What is broken by silence? lungs(??!!)

all in all, much of it is wordy, contrived and over-modified.

Thanks for posting.

Absolutely.
Returned from holiday suitably refreshed?
Yes...I genuinely posted this uncorrected/unfiltered from a pretty turgid event some years back. I did do a rewrite but without enthusiasm. I intendfollowing my own advice and really hacking it up. To that end, let loose a fusillade! What is left after the slaughter may be thebasis for a new piece. If nothing is left,so be it.
Be warned, I have dozens if efforts like this just lying around.
All comments will be welcomed. I like to workshop one every now and again and if its my own I can't offend anyone!
Best
tectak

Yah, holiday was good. I would love to see you really workshop this into something pretty. I would be happy to do the almighty snip if you are too scared . . .

[tectak]

is the stench doing the ensconcing here? Then you have a verb disagreement. Otherwise you have a clarity issue. Also, the vile and the fallen? You must be able to do better than that.
"comas of hidden despair" is both abstract and banal while also being contrived. Why "sack-wrapped AND bagged", wouldn't one or the other do the trick? "with" their blood threatened bodies suggests there is an alternative option of "without" their blood threatened bodies"?"look quickly and side-wise into" is awkward and wordy. "where but for the darkness"? Dis you really write that ,Tom? "tears of gratitude", "assaulting vistas" - ugh. "threaten by closeness to you" - wordy and awkward. Do you need the"protection" right after you mention the shield? I would think you wouldn't need "look" if you have linger. "Sleep like the blind" is interesting but it feels like it would be interesting in a different poem. Are you hearing the lungs "through" the crackling congestion or is the congestion the sound /of/ the lungs? "Death on the prowl" = lol. What is broken by silence? lungs(??!!)

all in all, much of it is wordy, contrived and over-modified.

Thanks for posting.

Absolutely.
Returned from holiday suitably refreshed?
Yes...I genuinely posted this uncorrected/unfiltered from a pretty turgid event some years back. I did do a rewrite but without enthusiasm. I intendfollowing my own advice and really hacking it up. To that end, let loose a fusillade! What is left after the slaughter may be thebasis for a new piece. If nothing is left,so be it.
Be warned, I have dozens if efforts like this just lying around.
All comments will be welcomed. I like to workshop one every now and again and if its my own I can't offend anyone!
Best
tectak

Yah, holiday was good. I would love to see you really workshop this into something pretty. I would be happy to do the almighty snip if you are too scared . . .

Vasectomise away....if you have the balls!
Best,
tectak

[milo]

Absolutely.
Returned from holiday suitably refreshed?
Yes...I genuinely posted this uncorrected/unfiltered from a pretty turgid event some years back. I did do a rewrite but without enthusiasm. I intendfollowing my own advice and really hacking it up. To that end, let loose a fusillade! What is left after the slaughter may be thebasis for a new piece. If nothing is left,so be it.
Be warned, I have dozens if efforts like this just lying around.
All comments will be welcomed. I like to workshop one every now and again and if its my own I can't offend anyone!
Best
tectak

Yah, holiday was good. I would love to see you really workshop this into something pretty. I would be happy to do the almighty snip if you are too scared . . .

Vasectomise away....if you have the balls!
Best,
tectak

colonic wynds (and) city-black alleys ,
ensconce the fallen.
They are sack-wrapped societal garbage, asleep in
blank syringed days. Wet blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas .

Look into shadows, where darkness (shrouds?)
gratitude; vistas,
threaten by closeness to you , distance becomes
the shield, . Do not linger on the lost
but sleep (walk), and sleep like the blind.

Listen, Hear (the) lungs', crackling congestion, broken by (the) silence
of Death . They live on their highway - glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

I would start somewhere around here.

[Brownlie]

Yah, holiday was good. I would love to see you really workshop this into something pretty. I would be happy to do the almighty snip if you are too scared . . .

Vasectomise away....if you have the balls!
Best,
tectak

colonic wynds (and) city-black alleys ,
ensconce the fallen.
They are sack-wrapped societal garbage, asleep in
blank syringed days. Wet blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas .

Look into shadows, where darkness (shrouds?)
gratitude; vistas,
threaten by closeness to you , distance becomes --This is a pretty good line break
the shield, . Do not linger on the lost
but sleep (walk), and sleep like the blind.

Listen, Hear (the) lungs', crackling congestion, broken by (the) silence
of Death . They live on their highway - glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

I would start somewhere around here.

It's really not half bad, though Milo has become a brand name by now, so my qualitative judgment may be biased. I say post anything you're curious about hearing feedback on in the forum.

[tectak]

Vasectomise away....if you have the balls!
Best,
tectak

colonic wynds (and) city-black alleys ,
ensconce the fallen.
They are sack-wrapped societal garbage, asleep in
blank syringed days. Wet blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas .

Look into shadows, where darkness (shrouds?)
gratitude; vistas,
threaten by closeness to you , distance becomes --This is a pretty good line break
the shield, . Do not linger on the lost
but sleep (walk), and sleep like the blind.

Listen, Hear (the) lungs', crackling congestion, broken by (the) silence
of Death . They live on their highway - glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

I would start somewhere around here.

It's really not half bad, though Milo has become a brand name by now, so my qualitative judgment may be biased. I say post anything you're curious about hearing feedback on in the forum.

Hi brownlie,
I think you misunderstand my/the motivation for posting in this forum. There is not the slightest curiosity n my part to hear what others "think" about my efforts. That is completely the wrong ethos. The reason I post in this forum is to take on board suggestions from the crits which will IMPROVE my poetic skills....such as they are.
The last thing I am interesed in the the crit who begins:
I think this is....
and then follows up with
Awesome
mind-blowing
just wow,
or any and all variations on...
something I can relate to
very good
a truly wonderful penning (whatever that means).

Curiosity just doesn't come in to it.

I would prefer a thorough trashing on sound grounds to a eulogy without foundation.
This should go to the discussion forum but it has been discussed to near death already....several thousand times.
Best,
tectak

[Leanne]

I think this is a very good effort, Tectak. It really speaks to me. You should not give up. One day you'll become a truly wonderful penner.

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste,
ensconce and shelter the vile and the fallen. -- sentence structure issues: a single stench ensconces and shelters, unless you mean alleys of waste ensconce and shelter, in which case the structural issue is even greater
They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies, -- "societal garbage" is a bit preachy -- I'd lose it. Also, "asleep in a trance" is fairly tautological
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair. -- you could remove "they are"

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas, -- "where but for the darkness could be seen in their eyes tears of gratitude" -- you bloody syntax torturer!
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind. -- yeah... I got lost entirely here, it's collapsed under the weight of all those judgmental phrases.

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence -- "listen! hear" -- a tautological waste of a verb
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden. -- nice consonance in these lines
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call. -- "the wakening call" seems a bit abstract for a closing line -- I don't know whether you mean the Last Trump, their name finally being accepted for public housing, or just the alarm clock that the bloke with the mattress found under the bridge. Maybe it doesn't matter. I'm left with a feeling of disappointment and in fact, given the subject, that might not be a bad thing.

Tectak
2012

[milo]

colonic wynds (and) city-black alleys ,
ensconce the fallen.
They are sack-wrapped societal garbage, asleep in
blank syringed days. Wet blood-threatened bodies,
they are chilled into comas .

Look into shadows, where darkness (shrouds?)
gratitude; vistas,
threaten by closeness to you , distance becomes --This is a pretty good line break
the shield, . Do not linger on the lost
but sleep (walk), and sleep like the blind.

Listen, Hear (the) lungs', crackling congestion, broken by (the) silence
of Death . They live on their highway - glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden.
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call.

I would start somewhere around here.

It's really not half bad, though Milo has become a brand name by now, so my qualitative judgment may be biased. I say post anything you're curious about hearing feedback on in the forum.

Hi brownlie,
I think you misunderstand my/the motivation for posting in this forum. There is not the slightest curiosity n my part to hear what others "think" about my efforts. That is completely the wrong ethos. The reason I post in this forum is to take on board suggestions from the crits which will IMPROVE my poetic skills....such as they are.
The last thing I am interesed in the the crit who begins:
I think this is....
and then follows up with
Awesome
mind-blowing
just wow,
or any and all variations on...
something I can relate to
very good
a truly wonderful penning (whatever that means).

Curiosity just doesn't come in to it.

I would prefer a thorough trashing on sound grounds to a eulogy without foundation.
This should go to the discussion forum but it has been discussed to near death already....several thousand times.
Best,
tectak

probably the best work shopper on the site in my honest opinion. I always look forward to workshopping with Tom as he takes comments in the best possible way and then produces actual results so no one feels like they are wasting their time. I certainly learn just from watching the process.

[tectak]

I think this is a very good effort, Tectak. It really speaks to me. You should not give up. One day you'll become a truly wonderful penner.

The stench of dark colonic wynds, city-black alleys of waste,
ensconce and shelter the vile and the fallen. -- sentence structure issues: a single stench ensconces and shelters, unless you mean alleys of waste ensconce and shelter, in which case the structural issue is even greater
They are sack-wrapped and bagged, societal garbage, asleep in a trance
of blank syringed days. Wet and decayed, with their blood-threatened bodies, -- "societal garbage" is a bit preachy -- I'd lose it. Also, "asleep in a trance" is fairly tautological
they are chilled into comas of hidden despair. -- you could remove "they are"

Look quickly and side-wise into shadows, where but for the darkness
could be seen in their eyes, tears of gratitude; assaulting vistas, -- "where but for the darkness could be seen in their eyes tears of gratitude" -- you bloody syntax torturer!
threaten by closeness to you and your kind, so that distance becomes
the shield, the protection. Do not linger or look on the lost or their lives
but walk in your sleep, and sleep like the blind. -- yeah... I got lost entirely here, it's collapsed under the weight of all those judgmental phrases.

Listen! Hear lungs, through crackling congestion, broken by silence -- "listen! hear" -- a tautological waste of a verb
of Death on the prowl. They live on their highway, glass-broken, tin-rattled,
cat-littered, flesh-rotted, waste-strewn and piss-sodden. -- nice consonance in these lines
Enuresis dreams in each tossing bundle; deaf or dead, the unheeded prod.
So sleep-walk my beauties, 'til the wakening call. -- "the wakening call" seems a bit abstract for a closing line -- I don't know whether you mean the Last Trump, their name finally being accepted for public housing, or just the alarm clock that the bloke with the mattress found under the bridge. Maybe it doesn't matter. I'm left with a feeling of disappointment and in fact, given the subject, that might not be a bad thing.

Tectak[[
2012

First of all, thank you for your opening comments now piss off
This is a good piece to hack as it is nothing mores than a jumble of of burgeoning thoughts wrapped in a sloppy, slippy thing...as Blackadder would so succinctly say.
Milo has taken his pound of adipose from it and I will cut it up like haggis when I hear some more derisory comments...no point in carrying out surgery until you know what to remove. There, that's enough metaphors to be going on with
Best,
tectak