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Revised
Sweating in the blaze of summer;
pulsing through ascending vines,
mature and firm.
Swollen in the sweltering heat,
bruised love-bitten, dripping
bitter-sweet.
Mourn the vintage left behind,
lost forever to the harvest.
Original
Sweating in the blaze of summer;
pulsing through ascending vines,
raised ripe and firm.
Swollen in the sweltering heat,
bruised love-bitten, dripping
bitter-sweet.
Mourn the untended left behind,
lost forever to the harvest.
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(07-15-2013, 05:22 PM)Heartafire Wrote: Hi heart,
Syllables rule OK. Milo will scream but with this format a steady trot needs to be a steady trot. I like it. Now for the numbers....and I read swel-ter-ing.
Sweating in the blaze of summer; 8
pulsing through ascending vines, 7
raised ripe and firm. 4 and reads just fine. now...
Swollen in the sweltering heat, 8 but dodgy. Anapests are pesky
bruised love-bitten, dripping 6 ???. "Bruised love-bitten,dripping wine,
still bitter-sweet." Your poem.
bitter-sweet. 3 at a push, but 4 it ain't
Mourn the untended left behind, Bloody anapest again." Mourn those left, the unattended...
harvest lost.
lost forever to the harvest.
OK I'm not saying it's better...just better for me
This is me liking it. You should team up with cidermaid...there's a business in there somewhere!
Best,
tectak
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Thank you tom and Fogglethorpe, for reading and the suggestions for this piece. I like them very much and will make some revisions to this short piece based on them. I appreciate your time spent reading and the input.
My best,
Holly
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I'll give you my two cents here for what it's worth
(07-15-2013, 05:22 PM)Heartafire Wrote: Sweating in the blaze of summer; -Language could be more concise here. I'm not sure if you need blaze or not.
pulsing through ascending vines,
raised ripe and firm.
Swollen in the sweltering heat,
bruised love-bitten, dripping -- I like the image of a bruised and swollen bite.
bitter-sweet.
Mourn the untended left behind,
lost forever to the harvest.
Not bad, I don't know what kind of rhythm you were going for here so I don't think I can make any helpful metrical remarks. My big question was whether you intended to have a somewhat ambiguous meaning for the poem or not. I think of farm workers who come as immigrants and work in dusty areas with a lot air pollution.
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Joined: Dec 2012
Hi, Brownlie, thank you for reading and the thought put into this piece. Thank you for commenting. This is thinly veiled erotica. Did I miss my mark? I like the idea of summer as a blaze, it seems that way at times. Thanks again.
Heart
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I'm too partial to Heart's writing. Her poems are (like) kisses from my lover. Can they ever be too wet, too intense, too horny? I don't think so.
so: I simply cannot and will not "criticise" them.
cheers
serge
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Joined: Nov 2012
Hi heart,
I'm late to the party but just wanted to say that I felt you have painted some lovely pictures which are subtly suggestive in all the right ways. Your words have the effect of being a silk dress, they drap and cover what is hidden underneath...but only just. I like what you have done in the edits those couple of word changes tighten and polish - your poem now glows!.
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(07-17-2013, 05:16 AM)cidermaid Wrote: Hi heart,
I'm late to the party but just wanted to say that I felt you have painted some lovely pictures which are subtly suggestive in all the right ways. Your words have the effect of being a silk dress, they drap and cover what is hidden underneath...but only just. I like what you have done in the edits those couple of word changes tighten and polish - your poem now glows!.
Hi Cider, thank you for the very encouraging comments. Why didn't I think of this "...a silk dress, they drap and cover what is hidden underneath...but only just" beautiful expression.
I must credit fogglethorpe with the fine edits.
My best,
Heart
(07-17-2013, 04:20 AM)serge gurkski Wrote: I'm too partial to Heart's writing. Her poems are (like) kisses from my lover. Can they ever be too wet, too intense, too horny? I don't think so.
so: I simply cannot and will not "criticise" them.
cheers
serge
The feeling is mutual, bebe. btw, love the new avatar, you are adorable, and say the hottest things (fans self).
hugs,
Heart
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(07-17-2013, 04:20 AM)serge gurkski Wrote: I'm too partial to Heart's writing. Her poems are (like) kisses from my lover. Can they ever be too wet, too intense, too horny? I don't think so.
so: I simply cannot and will not "criticise" them.
cheers
serge
Creep.
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Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
;-). Not in this case.
cheers
serge (a lover)
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