Libertas

[carassiusauratus]

In America, we have a tradition. It is that liberty is worth dying for. Are you prepared for that?

A call to arms.
A revolution.
Weapon in hand.
This was a solution.
With wings like angels -
fighters in the sky
but we had rockets
and were ready to die.
When we rose up en masse
and let out a scream
they came with gas
and water stream.
They put us to the ground
and took us to the cell
so we took them down
and sent them to hell.
Many were burned
and many were shot
as we all unlearned
the shit we were taught.
Holes in the wall
and craters in the street
because we heard the call
and took to our feet.

[carassiusauratus]

Funny story. I didn't mean to send this to serious critique, but in the end it wasn't a bad thing. Thanks for letting me know about the "en masse" thing. I had no idea.

It wasn't meant to be anything other than bellicose.

edit: and now that you mention it, I see where my flow was screwed. A meter would help.

[cidermaid]

Hi
You appear to be having a few problems on your first day!

The warning was for lack of feedback on other poems (see your user cp)
Also I have moved your poem to this thread for you as you indicated you had posted it wrongly.
Please read the posting rules.

AJ.

[jdguyb]

Don't listen to them I like it! very engaging. I could feel my heart beating faster as I read it

[carassiusauratus]

Thank you so much! It was a good critique, so no ill will there. I'm used to it. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then I intend to push that to the limit.

[Vistaldust]

This poem shows great intensity, but for what cause, and what does all the asskicking solve? Can you put something of your own soul in this?

[carassiusauratus]

I believe that in this country, many of our liberties have been blatantly violated. Not everyone has had the opportunity to realize this, because much of it is secret. I suppose one solution is to protest, but what happens when they move to detain us? Hence, my violent solution.

I have an angry soul, I suppose. What would you suggest for putting my own soul into it? I'm curious.

Thanks for the thoughts!

[Vistaldust]

I believe that in this country, many of our liberties have been blatantly violated. Not everyone has had the opportunity to realize this, because much of it is secret. I suppose one solution is to protest, but what happens when they move to detain us? Hence, my violent solution.

I have an angry soul, I suppose. What would you suggest for putting my own soul into it? I'm curious.

Thanks for the thoughts!

You've just let me know something about your motivation for writing the poem. Are there any of these feelings surfacing in your poem? If not, you can bring in a few lines:
They have taken my very soul
with their secret machinery.

Or
My love life has become an open-book
for trolls behind cookie cutter desks.

These are shitty examples but you get the point.

[TheWall0912]

I agree with vistaldust, it would have a stronger impact if some of your emotions were put into the poem. Overall I really like it though, good read. I really felt engaged. My favorite line is "Many were burned and many were shot as we all unlearned the shit we were taught." It made me stop and think twice.

[carassiusauratus]

Secret machinery - I love it. It gets right to the point. You should have written the poem for me. I adore that idea.

More soul! Got it!

[billy]

I believe that in this country, many of our liberties have been blatantly violated. Not everyone has had the opportunity to realize this, because much of it is secret. I suppose one solution is to protest, but what happens when they move to detain us? Hence, my violent solution.

I have an angry soul, I suppose. What would you suggest for putting my own soul into it? I'm curious.

Thanks for the thoughts!

from my point of view and this is in reply to a question you ask;

less cliche
more originality
where is the poem about?
at present it reads more like rant through story.

the worst thing is that the poem isn't just full of cliche
it's an extended cliche about nowhere in general, it carries little image, just the narrator narrating and doing so weakly.

meter as some have said would help but it would only help with the meter
the clichés are killing anything of value the poem has

back to your own soul. for me it feel very generic and contrived. mainly because of all the filler words. if you want it to be angry, take out every single word that doesn't add to anger

thanks for the read.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

In America, we have a tradition. It is that liberty is worth dying for. Are you prepared for that?

A call to arms.
A revolution.
Weapon in hand.
This was a solution.
With wings like angels -
fighters in the sky
but we had rockets
and were ready to die.
When we rose up en masse
and let out a scream
they came with gas
and water stream.
They put us to the ground
and took us to the cell
so we took them down
and sent them to hell.
Many were burned
and many were shot
as we all unlearned
the shit we were taught.
Holes in the wall
and craters in the street
because we heard the call
and took to our feet.

This is short and has nice flow to it, I'd think imagery would be better in place for obvious cliche phrases. maybe a more in depth story from this piece. obvious cliches phrases to me are indicated below.

Billy, just to satisfy my curiosity about what you consider "cliche" (boy, has this been a hot topic tonight lol!), would you mind to cite a few examples of what you consider to be cliche in this piece?

I'll point out a few of the cliche phrases to me.

A call to arms.
A revolution.
Weapon in hand.
wings like angels -
fighters in the sky

[billy]

Billy, just to satisfy my curiosity about what you consider "cliche" (boy, has this been a hot topic tonight lol!), would you mind to cite a few examples of what you consider to be cliche in this piece?

yes i'll bold them.

but really the poet should be asking the question and not the critic.

---

In America, we have a tradition. It is that liberty is worth dying for. Are you prepared for that?

A call to arms.
A revolution.
Weapon in hand.
This was a solution.
With wings like angels -
fighters in the sky
but we had rockets
and were ready to die.
When we rose up en masse
and let out a scream
they came with gas
and water stream.
They put us to the ground
and took us to the cell
so we took them down who did what
and sent them to hell.
Many were burned
and many were shot
as we all unlearned
the shit we were taught.
Holes in the wall
and craters in the street
because we heard the call
and took to our feet.

that it's so generic makes it a cliche in general, poems like this have been wrote a million times.
there are a couple of cliche thread already on the go, just join in on one