"Broken" a poem-very rough draft

[Lauren Greenwood]

Hey brutally honest input wanted, aside from spelling etc, thank you so much.

"Broken"

My mind is pacing, heart racing, . is it skipping beats? I've lost count to daydreaming, lost time to scheming, some may say a soul without a meaning.

anticipation... our creation: an alternate universe, but baby don't you know that you're my curse?

but lets rehears,

you play your part n' ill play mine, breath in breath out and I know that you're mine. you're my addiction.

we can buy a little time, attraction or distraction? what you need, not want you want, take your time baby, it's priceless.

livin a lie baby, I can tell that you're lonely.

I'll let you in, you cant take whats been given, It's you, you I want. So simple I don't ask for much, the way you make me feel I need to be a part of you.

So lay me down to rest , with my head apon your chest, tell me what I want to hear, please don't break my heart, dont tell me what I fear

I barely know you but you know me, I'm your addiction.

[rowens]

You don't want your spelling brutally critiqued?

[Lauren Greenwood]

You don't want your spelling brutally critiqued?

nope, I mean you can if you want, but it's kind of a waste of time because I'm going to get to that later, I just wanted to get my initial thought out and then build off of it, if that makes sense. Either way thanks for stopping by , Lauren

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Hey brutally honest input wanted, aside from spelling etc, thank you so much.

"Broken"

My mind is pacing, heart racing, . is it skipping beats? I've lost count to daydreaming, lost time to scheming, some may say a soul without a meaning.
The conflict here is that you've lost count to daydreaming and lost time to scheming. Daydreaming is different than scheming. I get that, but
what I dont understand is why you went from one to the other. Maybe a more detailed examination will reveal it to you where you could include it in your effort. Also, some line of imagery would be nice to answer the question why the mind is pacing and the heart is racing.Did you just work out? get in a fight? run a mile? do you have anxiety issues? "Soul without meaning" is cliche.


anticipation... our creation: an alternate universe, but baby don't you know that you're my curse?

It is better to show "anticipation" than to tell it. the following line I really don't understand. "Our creation: an alternate universe, but baby don't you know that your my curse?" There is something missing here. I don't know what to gather from it except our creation is an alternate universe and that is vague to say the least.

but lets rehears, rehearse

you play your part n' ill play mine, breath in breath out and I know that you're mine. you're my addiction.

Again, very vague. What part are you implying?

we can buy a little time, attraction or distraction? what you need, not wantwhat you want, take your time baby, it's priceless.

more imagery here, also, "We can buy a little time" seems cliche to me.

livin a lie baby, I can tell that you're lonely.

how can you tell that he is lonely? You should use imagery to express it.

I'll let you in, you cant take whats been given, It's you, you I want. So simple I don't ask for much, the way you make me feel I need to be a part of you.

So lay me down to rest , with my head aponupon your chest, tell me what I want to hear, please don't break my heart, dont tell me what I fear

I barely know you but you know me, I'm your addiction.

This is a rough draft. You got something that you can build on and express better. I think you could benefit by reading more poetry on the site and get a feel of imagery and how they show something like "anticipation" versus just telling "anticipation" to the reader.
I think your trying to convey something, but, at this time is hard
to understand from a reader point of view.
I also think if you knew certain spelling mistakes before posting, that you shouldve fixed them first before posting in Mild critique.
Welcome to the forum.

[Todd]

Okay brutally honest input,

Well, let's just call it blunt trauma input:

Hey brutally honest input wanted, aside from spelling etc, thank you so much.

"Broken"

My mind is pacing, heart racing, .--While this opening rhyme might sound good in a spoken piece, heart racing is a bit common bordering on cliche. The punctuation after heart racing with the comma and the period is off. is it skipping beats? I've lost count to daydreaming, lost time to scheming, some may say a soul without a meaning.--Another issue is there's not a lot going on here. I've lost count to daydreaming is odd phrasing. After say you seem to want an "I have". When you think about the content, what is really being said here? Not much in my estimation.

anticipation... our creation: an alternate universe, but baby don't you know that you're my curse?--Again light on content

but lets rehears,

you play your part n' ill play mine, breath in breath out and I know that you're mine. you're my addiction.--You're my addiction is a bit cliche. Nothing memorable or evocative here with the language

we can buy a little time, attraction or distraction? what you need, not want you want, take your time baby, it's priceless.--A lot of filler words. "not want you want" is awkward. Priceless doesn't actually convey much of anything. You are dying for imagery here.

livin a lie baby, I can tell that you're lonely.--livin' a lie is cliche. Again, it needs imagery and better phrasing

I'll let you in, you cant take whats been given, It's you, you I want. So simple I don't ask for much, the way you make me feel I need to be a part of you.--This reads flat. No emotion in it. Nothing at stake

So lay me down to rest , with my head apon your chest, tell me what I want to hear, please don't break my heart, dont tell me what I fear--You do things for the sake of rhyme without making sure the choices enhance the content. Break my heart is again cliche

I barely know you but you know me, I'm your addiction.

I really wasn't trying to be brutal for the sake of brutality. I just didn't see one phrase or image to build on. I think it's a complete rework.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive.

Best,

Todd