That Television Habit

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Love in a box: press power
with that quivering finger.
Rub genitals in angst as technology hums.
Gasp ecstasy as pictures zoom on:
an hour of SVU*,
half with enterprising rednecks,
then competing chefs,
then a zombie cavalcade.
Leave your work, put off that report:
outdated tasks in a world of Modern Marvels*.
You'll always have your window without an outside:
open up to the skies of far, far away.

Swivel a chair and stream laptop series.
Hours framed by clicks and food runs.
Sail fast to realms of knights and dragons;
your soul reaches out a useless body
towards translucent emanations from a screen:
a merger more perfect than fucking.

In a scum gathering apartment,
heaven's cum: you, curled in a ball, rocking on the carpet,
rubbing an iPad on your bare chest.
Scratch at it, back and forth, back and forth,
until the plastic wears through.
Hiss at passerbys:
click the next video.

One day, you'll grab a chair and smash that flat screen,
then hurl to the ground, yelling
“I didn't mean it! I'll put you back together!”.
Cradling plastic shards,
you'll rip out your heart,
slam it down,
and draw sobbing, coagulated crystal circles.

Don't cry, Gary! You'll be reincarnated as a moth...
zapped by porch lights.


*TV references are 1) Law and order: SVU, and 2) Modern Marvels, a documentary show (still running?) on the history channel.

[billy]

no need for a warning unless it's out and out rude dirty or obnoxious.
i enjoyed the read. an odd cliche in the poem but the good images you threaded throughout the poem made it a nit instead of warthog.

wish i could have been more constructive feedback wise but it's hard when you like a poem the way it is. (almost)

thanks for the read.

Love in a box: press power
with that quivering finger. is [that] needed?
Rub genitals in angst as technology hums. excellent
Gasp ecstasy as pictures zoom on:
an hour of SVU, i miss the meaning after reading below i now get it so disregard
half with enterprising rednecks,
then competing chefs,
then a zombie cavalcade.
Leave your work, put off that report:
outdated tasks in a world of Modern Marvels. feels like filler
You'll always have your window without an outside:
open up to the skies of far, far away. is [up] needed?

Swivel a chair and stream laptop series.
Hours framed by clicks and food runs. good image, insight into the pc user.
Sail fast to realms of knights and dragons;
your soul reaches out a useless body [your soul] feels to cheesy
towards translucent emanations from a screen:
a merger more perfect than fucking. solid last two lines. it feels like an extremely personal act

In a scum gathering apartment,
heaven's cum: you, curled in a ball, rocking on the carpet,
rubbing an iPad on your bare chest. feels unnatural (i that it's not something people would do) that said there are some kinky bastards out there
Scratch at it, back and forth, back and forth, i like how you make this feel sexual
until the plastic wears through.
Hiss at passerbys:
click the next video. this stanza feels a little gollum-like me precious.

One day, you'll grab a chair and smash that flat screen,
then hurl to the ground, yelling hurl what, the flat screen, yourself? need
“I didn't mean it! I'll put you back together!”.
Cradling plastic shards,
you'll rip out your heart, too cliche
slam it down,
and draw sobbing, coagulated crystal circles.

Don't cry, Gary! You'll be reincarnated as a moth...
zapped by porch lights. the end made me guffaw

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hi billy, thanks for the crit. I removed the warning. I think I'm still mostly uncomfortable with cus words in my poetry... alas, I feel I've led a sheltered existence . Modern Marvels is also a TV show reference, I've added an asterisks. You're right, the 3rd stanza is too gollum-y... might be the hissing bringing it over the top. And the next stanza should read like "hurl yourself to the ground". Thanks again,

p&p

[samfish]

judgmental!
loving as i read it

[billy]

judgmental!
loving as i read it

this is in no way serious crit in any way shape or form :J: /admin

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Love in a box: press power
with that quivering finger.
Rub genitals in angst as technology hums.
Gasp ecstasy as pictures zoom on:
an hour of SVU*,
half with enterprising rednecks,
then competing chefs,
then a zombie cavalcade.
Leave your work, put off that report:
outdated tasks in a world of Modern Marvels*.
You'll always have your window without an outside:
open up to the skies of far, far away.I think "open up to skies far away" would work as an alternative.

Swivel a chair and stream laptop series.
Hours framed by clicks and food runs.
Sail fast to realms of knights and dragons;
your soul reaches out a useless body
Maybe "your spirit"
towards translucent emanations from a screen:
a merger more perfect than fucking. like it

In a scum gathering apartment,
heaven's cum: you, curled in a ball, rocking on the carpet,
rubbing an iPad on your bare chest.
Scratch at it, back and forth, back and forth,
until the plastic wears through.
Hiss at passerbys:
click the next video.

One day, you'll grab a chair and smash that flat screen,
then hurl to the ground, yelling
“I didn't mean it! I'll put you back together!”.
Cradling plastic shards,
you'll rip out your heart,
slam it down,
I think "you'll rip out your heart" isn't needed. we get that
implied above from the "I didnt mean it! Ill put you back together!"
maybe "Cradling plastic shards, slam it down" That seem more engaging.[/b]
and draw sobbing, coagulated crystal circles.

Don't cry, Gary! You'll be reincarnated as a moth...
zapped by porch lights.[/b]like[b]


*TV references are 1) Law and order: SVU, and 2) Modern Marvels, a documentary show (still running?) on the history channel.

I liked it, only a few suggestions from me. I got all the TV references but, I also live in America.