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There is magnificence in her purity,
in her power and dominance.
And despite the risks inherent
there are those who lack the sense
to steer a course clear and safe
from the tempest and her mystical allure.
Adventurers, often irresistibly,
to her fitful fury are drawn.
To the twirling wisps of atmosphere
that succumb to the tempest's demand,
to the enticing energy that draws them close
'till they join in the frantic dance.
A tumultuous twirling of one's senses,
apprehension that grows in one's core,
the presence of awe-inspiring power,
near the gateway to the evermore.
Yet those who sail from tranquil seas
toward pummeling main veiled in foreboding mist,
compelled by an irrepressible attraction
that disregards the clearly-evident risks.
Forgoing calm, gravitating toward calamity,
abandoning security for inevitable threat,
turning one's back on the what is safe and serene
for a wager far more than one should bet.
What provokes a man to entertain the notion
that he could join with the tempest and survive,
or could it be that the lure of the tempest
provides the moments he feels most alive?
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Joined: Mar 2013
(07-01-2013, 01:20 AM)fim Wrote: The Allure of the Tempest
fim 7/4/12
there is magnificence in her purity I like this first line. it is forward and gives a clear sense of what the piece is about.
in her power and dominance
and despite the risks inherent
the are those who lack the sense Is 'the are' a typo?
to steer a course far and wide A tad cliche
from the tempest and her mystical allure
adventurers, most commonly sailors I was a little confused at this line for a moment... you might want to consider using periods & capitalization?
to the fitful fury are drawn
to the twirling wisps of atmosphere interesting!!
that succumb to the tempest's demand
that anything (and anyone) that ventures to close the repetition of 'that' in this line is bothersome; 'to' should grammatically be 'too'
must join in the frantic dance I definitely like 'frantic' here
a tumultuous twirling of one senses 'one senses'... hmm? maybe you meant 'one's senses'? I'm not sure how it could make sense otherwise
apprehension that grows in one's core
the presence of awe-inspiring power
near the gateway to the evermore A truly powerful vision!
yet those so inclined sail from tranquil seas
toward pummeling main veiled in foreboding mist Very good imagery
compelled by an irrepressible attraction I like the use of 'irrepressible
that disregards the clearly-evident risks
from calm to calamity Nice play on words.
from security to inevitable threat
from routine and ordinary
to a wager far more than he should bet
what provokes a man to entertain the notion
that he could join with the tempest and survive I might suggest adding a '?' here
or could it be that the lure of the tempest
provides the moments he feels most alive? Very cool way to end the piece
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece  There is a lot of good imagery and vocabulary. I think the meter and rhyme scheme could use some work, however. But those kind of critiques would probably be more appropriate in a 'mild' or 'serious' critique thread. Anyway, I thought you did a good job of conveying the mysterious attraction to danger that many of us can relate to... and I liked how this danger was set at sea. Great job!
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(07-01-2013, 02:57 PM)allykat727 Wrote: (07-01-2013, 01:20 AM)fim Wrote: The Allure of the Tempest
fim 7/4/12
there is magnificence in her purity I like this first line. it is forward and gives a clear sense of what the piece is about.
in her power and dominance
and despite the risks inherent
the are those who lack the sense Is 'the are' a typo?
to steer a course far and wide A tad cliche
from the tempest and her mystical allure
adventurers, most commonly sailors I was a little confused at this line for a moment... you might want to consider using periods & capitalization?
to the fitful fury are drawn
to the twirling wisps of atmosphere interesting!!
that succumb to the tempest's demand
that anything (and anyone) that ventures to close the repetition of 'that' in this line is bothersome; 'to' should grammatically be 'too'
must join in the frantic dance I definitely like 'frantic' here
a tumultuous twirling of one senses 'one senses'... hmm? maybe you meant 'one's senses'? I'm not sure how it could make sense otherwise
apprehension that grows in one's core
the presence of awe-inspiring power
near the gateway to the evermore A truly powerful vision!
yet those so inclined sail from tranquil seas
toward pummeling main veiled in foreboding mist Very good imagery
compelled by an irrepressible attraction I like the use of 'irrepressible
that disregards the clearly-evident risks
from calm to calamity Nice play on words.
from security to inevitable threat
from routine and ordinary
to a wager far more than he should bet
what provokes a man to entertain the notion
that he could join with the tempest and survive I might suggest adding a '?' here
or could it be that the lure of the tempest
provides the moments he feels most alive? Very cool way to end the piece
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece There is a lot of good imagery and vocabulary. I think the meter and rhyme scheme could use some work, however. But those kind of critiques would probably be more appropriate in a 'mild' or 'serious' critique thread. Anyway, I thought you did a good job of conveying the mysterious attraction to danger that many of us can relate to... and I liked how this danger was set at sea. Great job!
thank you allykat727! you not only helped my poem be better, you helped me understand how to give a better critique!
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(07-01-2013, 08:54 PM)fim Wrote: thank you allykat727! you not only helped my poem be better, you helped me understand how to give a better critique!
That's awesome! I am happy to help
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Joined: Nov 2012
Hi fim, I enjoyed reading this one, but do feel that your poem would be helped by adding in some punctuation. (Is there a reason or personal preferance as to why you do not use punctuation?). I'll leave a couple of thoughts on individual lines.
All the best AJ.
(07-01-2013, 01:20 AM)fim Wrote: there is magnificence in her purity
in her power and dominance
and despite the risks inherent
there are those who lack the sense
to steer a course clear and safe
from the tempest and her mystical allure
adventurers, most commonly sailors,
to the fitful fury are drawn This line feels awkward.
to the twirling wisps of atmosphere This is a lovely vivid image
that succumb to the tempest's demand
to the enticing energy that draws them close
'till they join in the frantic dance Overall a lovely stanza
a tumultuous twirling of one's senses
apprehension that grows in one's core
the presence of awe-inspiring power
near the gateway to the evermore
yet those so inclined sail from tranquil seas
toward pummeling main veiled in foreboding mist
compelled by an irrepressible attraction
that disregards the clearly-evident risks This stanza is not working for me the second line in particular - I don't get the main veiled referance, but the use of pummeling and foreboding mist are good strong words / images
from calm to calamity
from security to inevitable threat
from routine and ordinary
to a wager far more than he should bet Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think this stanza feels like it is just padding and could perhaps be taken out without loosing anything from the message of the poem....but this is just my opinion, wait and see if anyone else has a comment
what provokes a man to entertain the notion
that he could join with the tempest and survive
or could it be that the lure of the tempest
provides the moments he feels most alive? Nice ending
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(07-06-2013, 02:50 AM)cidermaid Wrote: Hi fim, I enjoyed reading this one, but do feel that your poem would be helped by adding in some punctuation. (Is there a reason or personal preferance as to why you do not use punctuation?). I'll leave a couple of thoughts on individual lines.
All the best AJ.
[quote='fim' pid='131029' dateline='1372609233']
there is magnificence in her purity
in her power and dominance
and despite the risks inherent
there are those who lack the sense
to steer a course clear and safe
from the tempest and her mystical allure
adventurers, most commonly sailors,
to the fitful fury are drawn This line feels awkward.
to the twirling wisps of atmosphere This is a lovely vivid image
that succumb to the tempest's demand
to the enticing energy that draws them close
'till they join in the frantic dance Overall a lovely stanza
a tumultuous twirling of one's senses
apprehension that grows in one's core
the presence of awe-inspiring power
near the gateway to the evermore
yet those so inclined sail from tranquil seas
toward pummeling main veiled in foreboding mist
compelled by an irrepressible attraction
that disregards the clearly-evident risks This stanza is not working for me the second line in particular - I don't get the main veiled referance, but the use of pummeling and foreboding mist are good strong words / images
from calm to calamity
from security to inevitable threat
from routine and ordinary
to a wager far more than he should bet Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think this stanza feels like it is just padding and could perhaps be taken out without loosing anything from the message of the poem....but this is just my opinion, wait and see if anyone else has a comment
what provokes a man to entertain the notion
that he could join with the tempest and survive
or could it be that the lure of the tempest
provides the moments he feels most alive? Nice ending Cidermaid,
thank you for taking the time to critique The Allure of the Tempest. I am going to take your comments (and allykat727's) and go into rewrite. As soon as I get done I will post it. I am going to try to salvage the "padding" stanza, it was one that I really liked... but your input will have me reevaluating its merits and contribution. Thanks to PigPenPoetry critiques I am starting to realize that the old adage, "Less is more" often applies to my poetry. Again, thanks!
fim
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Joined: Dec 2012
perfect title. later more. you rock! serge gurkski!
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I agree that the 5th stanza needs work to flow with the rest of the piece. If you don't remove it, perhaps enhance it. It's very vague and general where the rest feels vivid to me. Also the second stanza veers from the rhyming scheme and perhaps could be rearranged so it matches. Maybe rewrite the line "adventurers, most commonly sailors". That feels like a line from a textbook, not a poem and I think you could capture the same message with stronger words.
The first line and the last stanza were my favorite. Very relatable. Obviously felt by the writer and the perfect way to tie it all together. Thanks for sharing!!!
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(07-12-2013, 12:56 PM)c.gutzwiller Wrote: I agree that the 5th stanza needs work to flow with the rest of the piece. If you don't remove it, perhaps enhance it. It's very vague and general where the rest feels vivid to me. Also the second stanza veers from the rhyming scheme and perhaps could be rearranged so it matches. Maybe rewrite the line "adventurers, most commonly sailors". That feels like a line from a textbook, not a poem and I think you could capture the same message with stronger words.
The first line and the last stanza were my favorite. Very relatable. Obviously felt by the writer and the perfect way to tie it all together. Thanks for sharing!!! Thanks for your critique c.g.!
I agree with you! The line you identified as needing work was the one I wrestled with the most. I will persevere ... and post the edit!
Thanks again!
fim
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Quote:there is magnificence in her purity
in her power and dominance
and despite the risks inherent
there are those who lack the sense
to steer a course clear and safe
from the tempest and her mystical allure
adventurers, most commonly sailors,
to the fitful fury are drawn nice alliteration
to the twirling wisps of atmosphere
that succumb to the tempest's demand
to the enticing energy that draws them close
'till they join in the frantic dance
a tumultuous twirling of one's senses
apprehension that grows in one's core
the presence of awe-inspiring power
near the gateway to the evermore what exactly is this gateway to evermore? or is it just for the rhyme?
yet those so inclined sail from tranquil seas
toward pummeling main veiled in foreboding mist
compelled by an irrepressible attraction
that disregards the clearly-evident risks
from calm to calamity
from security to inevitable threat
from routine and ordinary
to a wager far more than he should bet [/b] very nice [/b]
what provokes a man to entertain the notion
that he could join with the tempest and survive
or could it be that the lure of the tempest The word tempest is starting to get repetitive
provides the moments he feels most alive?
I thought it was well done. I'm a little jealous.
Posts: 64
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Joined: Jun 2013
(07-16-2013, 11:48 AM)carassiusauratus Wrote: Quote:there is magnificence in her purity
in her power and dominance
and despite the risks inherent
there are those who lack the sense
to steer a course clear and safe
from the tempest and her mystical allure
adventurers, most commonly sailors,
to the fitful fury are drawn nice alliteration
to the twirling wisps of atmosphere
that succumb to the tempest's demand
to the enticing energy that draws them close
'till they join in the frantic dance
a tumultuous twirling of one's senses
apprehension that grows in one's core
the presence of awe-inspiring power
near the gateway to the evermore what exactly is this gateway to evermore? or is it just for the rhyme?
yet those so inclined sail from tranquil seas
toward pummeling main veiled in foreboding mist
compelled by an irrepressible attraction
that disregards the clearly-evident risks
from calm to calamity
from security to inevitable threat
from routine and ordinary
to a wager far more than he should bet [/b] very nice [/b]
what provokes a man to entertain the notion
that he could join with the tempest and survive
or could it be that the lure of the tempest The word tempest is starting to get repetitive
provides the moments he feels most alive?
I thought it was well done. I'm a little jealous. carassiusauratus,
thank you for your jealousy ... 
that didn't sound right
I used "the gateway to the evermore" to represent what ever lies before us after our physical existence is over ...
post some poems so I can read them!
For me it was scary at first ... come to think of it, it still is a little ... but I sense we are among friends ... friends we can relate too.
fim
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Joined: Jul 2013
This is really well written! It puts all of my poems to shame. I liked the imagery and your word choice. And of course, as others have said, your ending is awesome!
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