on lightbulbs

[Bunx]

i climbed this spiral staircase,
i climbed it all night.
when i got to the to top
i was, so fried.

bulbs of light,
ideas so bright with correction,
so friendly with human relation.

machines are machines that grow
big and strong. machines grow
fingers and eyes with pure
disguise. but lightbulbs
this magic i do not know.

Franklin, the man behind the tube.
A screaming loop, never hid his true intent.
light is light for all and never forget. The
climax of lighting is burning.
Burning, a fire that is never content.

[newsclippings]

i climbed this spiral staircase,
i climbed it all night.
when i got to the to top
i was, so fried.

I thought I was the only one who didn't capitalize i's. I sever my ties with punctuation when my message is apathetic. I don't know if that's what you're going for here.

bulbs of light,
ideas so bright with connotation, you don't need "with connotation"
so friendly with human relation.

machines are machines that grow
big and strong. machines grow
fingers and eyes with pure
disguise. but lightbulbs, peculiar punctuation, once again. If you're going to ditch the rules of the English language, make your use of punctuation a little more interesting. Also what is a pure disguise?
hmmm i do not know.

I don't like the last line. You have a way with repeating words that could either infuriate or placate people.

Edison the man behind the tube, Screw Edison. Tesla was the true genius. I hate that Edison gets any recognition at all. Dumbass almost lost his eyesight due to his fiddling with x-ray machines. He was a dirty businessman, and the only reason we don't have free electricity is because of him.
a screaming loop, never hid his true intent.
light is light for all and never forget. the
climax is the light burning out. I don't know about this last line.

[Volaticus]

Hi Bunx,
Just a few thoughts on your poem.

i climbed this spiral staircase,
i climbed it all night.
when i got to the to top It should be 'when i got to the top'
i was, so fried. Because of your rhyming in L2 and L4, I felt this line needed one more syllable and then the stanza reads better. And you don't need the comma here.

bulbs of light,
ideas so bright with connotation, Already covered by newsclippings.
so friendly with human relation.

machines are machines that grow I'm just curious here. Was it your intention to make the lines increasingly shorter, when your narrator talks about the opposite; growth?
big and strong. machines grow
fingers and eyes with pure
disguise. but lightbulbs,
hmmm i do not know. I'm not sure about this line. I don't think it adds much.

Edison the man behind the tube, I think a comma after 'Edison' would make it read better.
a screaming loop, never hid his true intent.
light is light for all and never forget. the
climax is the light burning out.

This is just my humble opinion, to be used or scrapped as you like.
I think this is one of the best poems I've read from you so far. It still needs some work, maybe a few edits, but I like where you're going with it.

Best,
-LB

[Ian James]

i climbed this spiral staircase,
i climbed it all night.
when i got to the to top
i was, so fried.

[/b] "climbed" "climbed" readers aren't getting a depiction of the climb by the mere word being used twice.

bulbs of light,
ideas so bright with connotation,
so friendly with human relation.

the word "so" doesn't do much here, and you set up a one-line rhyme which is lazy Especially with the syllables "-ation," you will improve and be able to set up a rapid paced rhyme scheme with that word ending with ease if that is what you wish to employ.

machines are machines that grow
big and strong. machines grow
fingers and eyes with pure
disguise. but lightbulbs,
hmmm i do not know.

cut out the "hmmm" you'll come to find that you want to elicit those reactions from the reader by earning it, not spelling it

Edison the man behind the tube,
a screaming loop, never hid his true intent.
light is light for all and never forget. the
climax is the light burning out.

[b] i think something that will help you (given the ideas/imagery you are scraping at through this depiction) is blackout writing: throw the pen on the pad and just run it, run it, run it. You'll find out how much fluidity will emerge from these thoughts you are having, and build a stronger command over word play. cheers. and repetition isn't necessarily a bad thing- when it bounces in a hypnotic way as you get yourself going. investigate these beautiful, mysterious thoughts/feelings you are having. If the use of Language is a pursuit you have then get into the cypher: mesh your prose with your rhyming meter, let them play together, and when you take to a short piece your mind will contain the paradoxical wit that is necessary for creating immediate illusion.

[Bunx]

hey for the feedback!
@news - i agree edision is a crouch of boneless jive. took your suggestion and modified a few lines for edit 2
@Vol- thanks for point out grammar and rhythm inconsistencies. hopefully, with this the are corrected.
@Ian thanks so much for the advice, like a breath of fresh air i must say...ahhhh...fresh air i liked you critique s3 and s4.
and thanks for the writing advise. one of my favorite things to do is write poem for random people at coffee shops. i love the act of writing and creating on paper

[Volaticus]

Hi Bunx,
Good to see you edited your poem. But I noticed a few things you missed, if you'd like me to point them out to you?
Best,
LB

[Brownlie]

i climbed this spiral staircase,
i climbed it all night.
when i got to the to top
i was, so fried.-- A pun?

bulbs of light,
ideas so bright with correction,
so friendly with human relation.

machines are machines that grow
big and strong. machines grow
fingers and eyes with pure
disguise. but lightbulbs
this magic i do not know.

Franklin, the man behind the tube.
A screaming loop, never hid his true intent.
light is light for all and never forget. The
climax of lighting is burning.
Burning, a fire that is never content.

I think your upping your game here Bunx. You mention Franklin, I'd love to see you delve deeper into American history though that can be boring at times. Remember, if you ever want to check which parts of a word are stressed you can check the dictionary online.

[Bunx]

hahaha tubes get fried too brownlie and thanks man! i am a very historically minded person, it would be fun to write more poems in a historical context