First post "Clearing"

[Malcom_]

I expect tough comments on all my work, but will always be appreciating the constructive criticism. I look forward to being a regular to the community.

My first piece is called "Clearing"
the premise : a man with his life crumbling commits a crime against our "victim" which i expect you will relate to someone close to you.

Smoke clearing
Bottom of the stomach feeling
Got caught peering down the sight now he's fearing
Seeing now how his victim was appearing
Bullets cleaning open space threw his head now he's tearing
Victims life up in lights victims walking on the ceiling
Seeing now the man concealing had wife and shes leaving
With a baby boy who isn't gonna make it past first feeding
But the man concealing has no knowledge now hes screaming
Dropping on his knees tears heavy as hes kneeling
Feeling god was his only way out he misread him
He walked up to a random man ,damn now he's squeezing
Homicide or a man slaughter i don't know there still appealing
Shit and unlike the other blacks he wasn't even dealing
I don't get the deal only crime he did was stealing
And he only stole some chips from work every other evening
Back to the topic story's only thing im keeping
Icing on the cake it's the Holiday season

now daylight over shadows night
His son died never saw the light and his wife committed suicide with a knife
As the smoke clears the man the realizes right
Just an everyday man living life on the couch
The jury gave the easy way out




Thanks il be greatly appreciating your feedback

[milo]

I'm really looking for everyone to be hard on me . This is my first post and will be posting .I'm looking forward to being in this community and getting to know everyone here .

maybe there are others posting here that are also looking for comments?

[newsclippings]

Best thing I ever read. Brought me to tears. Give us more so we can praise it all.

[Malcom_]

I'm really looking for everyone to be hard on me . This is my first post and will be posting .I'm looking forward to being in this community and getting to know everyone here .

maybe there are others posting here that are also looking for comments?

i honestly don't know what i was trying to say

*********I expect tough comments on all my work, but will always be appreciating the constructive criticism. I look forward to being a regular to the community.********

thanks i didn't even notice that man

sorry about that

---

Best thing I ever read. Brought me to tears. Give us more so we can praise it all.

Please if you find anything wrong with it please tell me .

Thank you for your words of encouragement!

-Underscore

[billy]

no point telling us what the poem is about, now we have no need to read the poem.

the poem has tomes of race hate in it. (reminds me of the zimmerman trial that's ongoing.) you need to do a lot of work with the punctuation. he's, i'm, she's, etc. i still wonder why people cap new lines when there's no preceding period. while it reads as half decent rap. because the trials ongoing, changing tack at the end and saying the jury decided doesn't feels that good. it feels forced.
as a poem some of the wording actually reads pretty badly.

Seeing now how his victim was appearing

I expect tough comments on all my work, but will always be appreciating the constructive criticism. I look forward to being a regular to the community. same with telling us "you're first piece is called ..." the title on it's own is enough
"Clearing"


Smoke clearing
Bottom of the stomach feeling
Got caught peering down the sight now he's fearing
Seeing now how his victim was appearing
Bullets cleaning open space threw his head now he's tearing through
Victims life up in lights victims walking on the ceiling needs punctuation
Seeing now the man concealing had wife and shes leaving
With a baby boy who isn't gonna make it past first feeding
But the man concealing has no knowledge now hes screaming
Dropping on his knees tears heavy as hes kneeling
Feeling god was his only way out he misread him
He walked up to a random man ,damn now he's squeezing
Homicide or a man slaughter i don't know there still appealing
Shit and unlike the other blacks he wasn't even dealing
I don't get the deal only crime he did was stealing
And he only stole some chips from work every other evening
Back to the topic story's only thing im keeping
Icing on the cake it's the Holiday season

now daylight over shadows night
His son died never saw the light and his wife committed suicide with a knife
As the smoke clears the man the realizes right bad syntax
Just an everyday man living life on the couch
The jury gave the easy way out




Thanks il be greatly appreciating your feedback

[Malcom_]

no point telling us what the poem is about, now we have no need to read the poem.

the poem has tomes of race hate in it. (reminds me of the zimmerman trial that's ongoing.) you need to do a lot of work with the punctuation. he's, i'm, she's, etc. i still wonder why people cap new lines when there's no preceding period. while it reads as half decent rap. because the trials ongoing, changing tack at the end and saying the jury decided doesn't feels that good. it feels forced.
as a poem some of the wording actually reads pretty badly.

Seeing now how his victim was appearing

I expect tough comments on all my work, but will always be appreciating the constructive criticism. I look forward to being a regular to the community. same with telling us "you're first piece is called ..." the title on it's own is enough
"Clearing"


Smoke clearing
Bottom of the stomach feeling
Got caught peering down the sight now he's fearing
Seeing now how his victim was appearing
Bullets cleaning open space threw his head now he's tearing through
Victims life up in lights victims walking on the ceiling needs punctuation
Seeing now the man concealing had wife and shes leaving
With a baby boy who isn't gonna make it past first feeding
But the man concealing has no knowledge now hes screaming
Dropping on his knees tears heavy as hes kneeling
Feeling god was his only way out he misread him
He walked up to a random man ,damn now he's squeezing
Homicide or a man slaughter i don't know there still appealing
Shit and unlike the other blacks he wasn't even dealing
I don't get the deal only crime he did was stealing
And he only stole some chips from work every other evening
Back to the topic story's only thing im keeping
Icing on the cake it's the Holiday season

now daylight over shadows night
His son died never saw the light and his wife committed suicide with a knife
As the smoke clears the man the realizes right bad syntax
Just an everyday man living life on the couch
The jury gave the easy way out




Thanks il be greatly appreciating your feedback

Thanks man! I appreciate your feedback. The reason I joined a forum devoted to poetry is to have my work critiqued on every level. Thank you for reading my piece, I would like to thank you more for your insight and respectful specification of the errors.Your insight will ultimately help me become a more prominent writer.

-underscore_

[cidermaid]

Hi whilst this had much to be appreciated in terms of internal rhymes and overall smoothness of the read, it left me a bit cold in respect of images that i could relate to in that you told me a story but did not offer me many pictures or images with which i could use my imagination to get into the picture. it feels like it is told with no hidden suggestions or wriggle room in the interpretation and as such felt just two dimentional.
I won't re-state the same comments as Billy about gramma errors and spoilers that he mentions, but I would encourage you to try the workshopping aspects of recieving feedback. If you are serious(as you mentioned) about developing your skills, I can recommend no better place to be than in one of the workshopping threads on this site.

All the best AJ.

[Malcom_]

Hi whilst this had much to be appreciated in terms of internal rhymes and overall smoothness of the read, it left me a bit cold in respect of images that i could relate to in that you told me a story but did not offer me many pictures or images with which i could use my imagination to get into the picture. it feels like it is told with no hidden suggestions or wriggle room in the interpretation and as such felt just two dimentional.
I won't re-state the same comments as Billy about gramma errors and spoilers that he mentions, but I would encourage you to try the workshopping aspects of recieving feedback. If you are serious(as you mentioned) about developing your skills, I can recommend no better place to be than in one of the workshopping threads on this site.

All the best AJ.

Thanks AJ, I really appreciate your feedback and will defiantly work to improve what you mentioned.

My next post will surely be submitted in the thread you've stated!

---

Hi whilst this had much to be appreciated in terms of internal rhymes and overall smoothness of the read, it left me a bit cold in respect of images that i could relate to in that you told me a story but did not offer me many pictures or images with which i could use my imagination to get into the picture. it feels like it is told with no hidden suggestions or wriggle room in the interpretation and as such felt just two dimentional.
I won't re-state the same comments as Billy about gramma errors and spoilers that he mentions, but I would encourage you to try the workshopping aspects of recieving feedback. If you are serious(as you mentioned) about developing your skills, I can recommend no better place to be than in one of the workshopping threads on this site.

All the best AJ.

Thanks AJ, I really appreciate your feedback and will defiantly work to improve what you mentioned.

My next post will surely be submitted in the thread you've stated!

[R.C. KITCHENS]

I expect tough comments on all my work, but will always be appreciating the constructive criticism. I look forward to being a regular to the community.

My first piece is called "Clearing"
the premise : a man with his life crumbling commits a crime against our "victim" which i expect you will relate to someone close to you.

Smoke clearing
Bottom of the stomach feeling
Got caught peering down the sight now he's fearing
Seeing now how his victim was appearing
Bullets cleaning open space threw his head now he's tearing
Victims life up in lights victims walking on the ceiling
Seeing now the man concealing had wife and shes leaving
With a baby boy who isn't gonna make it past first feeding
But the man concealing has no knowledge now hes screaming
Dropping on his knees tears heavy as hes kneeling
Feeling god was his only way out he misread him
He walked up to a random man ,damn now he's squeezing
Homicide or a man slaughter i don't know there still appealing
Shit and unlike the other blacks he wasn't even dealing
I don't get the deal only crime he did was stealing
And he only stole some chips from work every other evening
Back to the topic story's only thing im keeping
Icing on the cake it's the Holiday season

now daylight over shadows night
His son died never saw the light and his wife committed suicide with a knife
As the smoke clears the man the realizes right
Just an everyday man living life on the couch
The jury gave the easy way out




Thanks il be greatly appreciating your feedback

This seemed more like a rap lyric to me. It lacks definitive imagery to really get me focused on the intent. To be honest, I didn't understand some of it because it lacked that pertinent detail. I think portions of it was for rhyme sake. I think you could hone the story a little bit more so it is more cohesive as a whole.

Also, It is proper etiquette to give feedback/ critique before posting your own work. You have visited and re-visited the site to reply to your thread. Please take some time to also leave feedback to others.
Welcome to the site.

[tectak]

no point telling us what the poem is about, now we have no need to read the poem.

the poem has tomes of race hate in it. (reminds me of the zimmerman trial that's ongoing.) you need to do a lot of work with the punctuation. he's, i'm, she's, etc. i still wonder why people cap new lines when there's no preceding period. while it reads as half decent rap. because the trials ongoing, changing tack at the end and saying the jury decided doesn't feels that good. it feels forced.
as a poem some of the wording actually reads pretty badly.

Seeing now how his victim was appearing

I expect tough comments on all my work, but will always be appreciating the constructive criticism. I look forward to being a regular to the community. same with telling us "you're first piece is called ..." the title on it's own is enough
"Clearing"


Smoke clearing
Bottom of the stomach feeling
Got caught peering down the sight now he's fearing
Seeing now how his victim was appearing
Bullets cleaning open space threw his head now he's tearing through
Victims life up in lights victims walking on the ceiling needs punctuation
Seeing now the man concealing had wife and shes leaving
With a baby boy who isn't gonna make it past first feeding
But the man concealing has no knowledge now hes screaming
Dropping on his knees tears heavy as hes kneeling
Feeling god was his only way out he misread him
He walked up to a random man ,damn now he's squeezing
Homicide or a man slaughter i don't know there still appealing
Shit and unlike the other blacks he wasn't even dealing
I don't get the deal only crime he did was stealing
And he only stole some chips from work every other evening
Back to the topic story's only thing im keeping
Icing on the cake it's the Holiday season

now daylight over shadows night
His son died never saw the light and his wife committed suicide with a knife
As the smoke clears the man the realizes right bad syntax
Just an everyday man living life on the couch
The jury gave the easy way out




Thanks il be greatly appreciating your feedback

I normally do not comment in this forum but this requires some input. Here it is.
You are stuck up Gerund Avenue. If you are think-ing it is border-ing on cool to use the -ing end-ing for every-thing requir-ing rhym-ing, then think again.
You might like to try the "-ion" vers-ion for inclus-ion in your delus-ion; in conclus-ion your profus-ion of cheap rhymes, the sole currency of the dumb rapper, is frankly unworthy of you.
If you can think a thought you can write about it. If you feel the need to rhyme, put another thought in to doing it well. Potential poets get wasted following this derisory genre, to over-distinguish it; yet regularly I see some deep purpose/meaning in work such as yours becoming diminished by the puerile rhyming.
Write it again. This time, try to AVOID -ing or -ion. You might enjoy the experience.
Best,
tectak

[Heartafire]

Hi there, I enjoyed reading this. I found it a bit abstract, but it clearly brought to mind our ongoing case here in Florida, The State of Florida vs
Zimmerman. Zimmerman being the white man who shot a young black man,
Travon Martin supposedly in self defense. I could read about this tragedy in these lines. I think you could do a better job of clarifying what you are actually trying to get across and perhaps lend some poetic devices to this to make it easier on the eyes and ears. Thank you for sharing this.
Heart

[samfish]

a literal style of being poetic

[Leanne]

a literal style of being poetic

Please familiarise yourself with what we expect on this site in terms of feedback. This is not it.

[cidermaid]

Please leave some feedback on other poems before posting any more of your own. You will not be asked a second time. Read the site rules for posting