Road-Kill

[Brownlie]

First Draft (probably not worth reading):

Note: I understand if you get bored before you finish the poem. If anyone has the time or energy I would love to see any metrical problems or places that seem padded.

On scraggly crooked paths that dizzy me
Are hares that dart in front of cars and wheels
When frantic panting hearts are seen in haste
The metal machines grind with clashing gears
Break-pads will wear and fade when endless roads
Are traveled without stopping. Metal rusts
And frantic hares will pay the price for ware.
The crunching fragile spines will snap so quick
The tragic deaths of running creatures reminds
Of organic costs for lost and searching wheels
Displaced drivers float in metal husks
That take away the drivers bodily feel
For floating metal machines move apart
From synapse strikes that guide the flesh to feel
When limbs are moved. Sadly crunching bones
Of rodents brittle bodies quick in fear
A fleeting feeling quickly passes me
But death is not a halting force to stop
A driver. Death is quick and fleeting fast
And sudden taking life away from beasts
That move in sudden grasps of blinding flight.
Emotion does guide a hare to doom by quick
And crushing wastrels. Lost on roads that wind
In spirals. Drunken furies brought the death
Of many frantic hares that beat with life.
Escape was never had for me. Lament
Consumes a wander lost like me that moves
In blind emotion. Sadly, I have crushed Kin
That dart and run on roads in fury’s grip.
Perhaps if we had known that life was quick
And heedless. Love would grow in barren wastes.
But now in quickly moving feet that press
Upon the gas of swiftly moving cars
The metal moving us takes us away
From each other. You may pass under wheels
And growing weeds that crack concrete are lost.
And metal takes the beating vibrant course
That flows within a beating chest and I
Will barely see a guiding light that shines
In burning bursts of flame that gleam a past
Gone by. The stars at night have cast their light
So long ago and cars get lost on roads
That spin in circles that we can chase
Until a dizzy haze consumes a lost
And running being such as I who veers
Into shadows and wanders blindfolded.
If I had known that frantic rattle you
Had pulsed wildly I could ease these eyes
That strain to find a path and maybe we
Would not be struck by fear and run into
The blaring lights of rushing cars that move
Without a thought to struggles you and I
Have seen while living life as chasing fools
Who dart in front of cars and feel the crush
Of crashing metal as gravity resists our course.
But death is quick as crushing road-kill is
In quickly jerking motions life is lost
And love will flicker quickly running past
To die and yield under a set of wheels.

[tectak]

Note: I understand if you get bored before you finish the poem. If anyone has the time or energy I would love to see any metrical problems or places that seem padded.
Hi brownlie,
Lots of language problems in this. You really should attempt to correct before posting...but you are an interesting crit so this is for you STOP capitalising every line. It is retro.

On scraggly crooked paths that dizzy me
Are hares that dart in front of cars and wheels I don't know. Are they? These wheels(1)...are they fastened to anything? Comma after scraggly. Is this the right word? Not confident.
When frantic panting hearts are seen in haste Full stop after "wheels". Comma after frantic. How do you "see" a heart, of a hare, in haste? Not good imagery.
The metal machines grind with clashing gears MA-chines seems necessary. Emphasises wonky.
Break-pads will wear and fade when endless roads For goodness sake, BRAKE! Why would they wear (ware )if you never stopped. Nonsensense.
Are traveled without stopping. Metal rusts Basic spelling. Check if you cannot spell correctly BEFORE posting in serious
And frantic hares will pay the price for ware.WEAR! Repeats of frantic
The crunching fragile spines will snap so quick Syntax. Quickly
The tragic deaths of running creatures reminds A foot too long. Meter.
Of organic costs for lost and searching wheelsSyntax. Not reminds of. REMINDS US OF , but do not worry, the sentence makes no sense anyway. Wheels (2) again
Displaced drivers float in metal husks
That take away the drivers bodily feel Good but syntax buggered at line end.
For floating metal machines move apart Now you have lost it. READ IT LOUD. If you cannot see what is wrong with this you should repost in mild crit. I know exactly what you are trying to say but you are not articulating your thinking. The thought has become the all...but you are transmitting in Navaho
From synapse strikes that guide the flesh to feel
When limbs are moved. Sadly crunching bones Grammar confusion. Do you mean crunching bones is sad, (Sadly, crunching bones ..) or do you mean crunching is sad (sadly crunching) or do you mean either but specifically and oddly only the mastication of rodent's bones? It is all a muddle. Put it right.
Of rodents brittle bodies quick in fear Apostrophe. Basic error. Full stop after fear. Basic error. There are way too many of these mistakes for serious crit.
A fleeting feeling quickly passes me
But death is not a halting force to stop
A driver. Death is quick and fleeting fast I would fundamentally disagree if I could untangle your convoluted English. Sorry, brownlie, but it is becoming a lost cause. Irksome
And sudden taking life away from beasts
That move in sudden grasps of blinding flight.
Emotion does guide a hare to doom by quick This sentence does me force to say that it makes no sense does not. I should drink more water. Sorry. Personal remark...it does get me like that sometimes.
And crushing wastrels. Lost on roads that wind "Lost on roads that wind in spirals" is not a sentence. You do see that, don't you?
In spirals. Drunken furies brought the death
Of many frantic hares that beat with life.
Escape was never had for me. Lament Escape was never had for me? What the hell does this mean? I am now getting irritated
Consumes a wander lost like me that movesDrivel
In blind emotion. Sadly, I have crushed Kin
That dart and run on roads in fury’s grip.
Perhaps if we had known that life was quick
And heedless. Love would grow in barren wastes.
But now in quickly moving feet that press
Upon the gas of swiftly moving cars
The metal moving us takes us away
From each other. You may pass under wheels wheels(3)
And growing weeds that crack concrete are lost.
And metal takes the beating vibrant course
That flows within a beating chest and I
Will barely see a guiding light that shines
In burning bursts of flame that gleam a past
Gone by. The stars at night have cast their light
So long ago and cars get lost on roads
That spin in circles that we can chase
Until a dizzy haze consumes a lost
And running being such as I who veers
Into shadows and wanders blindfolded.
If I had known that frantic rattle you
Had pulsed wildly I could ease these eyes
That strain to find a path and maybe we
Would not be struck by fear and run into
The blaring lights of rushing cars that move
Without a thought to struggles you and I
Have seen while living life as chasing fools
Who dart in front of cars and feel the crush
Of crashing metal as gravity resists our course.
But death is quick as crushing road-kill is
In quickly jerking motions life is lost
And love will flicker quickly running past My hat! Talk about afterthoughts! Dreadfully gratuitous attempt to con the crits. Pathetic and insulting. Not worthy. See end where I unapologetically repeat myself.
To die and yield under a set of wheels.wheels(4)

This is unworthy of you. It says very little but takes the scenic route. Driving fast kills things. End.
You are expecting far too much of your ability...your muse left the building a long way back. Forget about meter. You have other things to attend to.
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

Note: I understand if you get bored before you finish the poem. If anyone has the time or energy I would love to see any metrical problems or places that seem padded.
Hi brownlie,
Lots of language problems in this. You really should attempt ti correct before posting...but you are an interesting crit so this is for you STOP capitalising every line. It is retro.
On scraggly crooked paths that dizzy me
Are hares that dart in front of cars and wheels These wheels...are they fastened to anything? Comma after scraggly. Is this the right word? Not confident.
When frantic panting hearts are seen in haste Full stop after "wheels". Comma after frantic. How do you "see" a heart, of a hare, in haste? Not good imagery.
The metal machines grind with clashing gears MA-chines seems necessary. Emphasises wonky.
Break-pads will wear and fade when endless roads For goodness sake, BRAKE! Why would they wear (ware )if you never stopped. Nonsensense.
Are traveled without stopping. Metal rusts Basic spelling. Check if you cannot spell correctly BEFORE posting in serious
And frantic hares will pay the price for ware. Repeats of frantic
The crunching fragile spines will snap so quick Syntax. Quickly
The tragic deaths of running creatures reminds A foot too long. Meter.
Of organic costs for lost and searching wheels Syntax. Not reminds of. REMINDS US OF , but do not worry, the sentence makes no sense anyway. Wheels again
Displaced drivers float in metal husks
That take away the drivers bodily feel Good but syntax buggered at line end.
For floating metal machines move apart Now you have lost it. READ IT LOUD. If you cannot see what is wrong with this you should repost in mild crit. I know exactly what you are trying to say but you are not articulating your thinking. The thought has become the all...but you are transmitting in Navaho
From synapse strikes that guide the flesh to feel
When limbs are moved. Sadly crunching bones Grammar confusion. Do you mean crunching bones is sad, (Sadly, crunching bones ..) or do you mean crunching is sad (sadly crunching) or do you mean either but specifically and oddly only the mastication of rodent's bones? It is all a muddle. Put it right.
Of rodents brittle bodies quick in fear Apostrophe. Basic error. Full stop after fear. Basic error. There are way too many of these mistakes for serious crit.
A fleeting feeling quickly passes me
But death is not a halting force to stop
A driver. Death is quick and fleeting fast I would fundamentally disagree if I could untangle your convoluted English. Sorry, brownlie, but it is becoming a lost cause. Irksome
And sudden taking life away from beasts
That move in sudden grasps of blinding flight.
Emotion does guide a hare to doom by quick This sentence does me force to say that it makes no sense does not. I should drink more water. Sorry. Personal remark...it does get me like that sometimes.
And crushing wastrels. Lost on roads that wind "Lost on roads that wind in spirals" is not a sentence. You do see that, don't you?
In spirals. Drunken furies brought the death
Of many frantic hares that beat with life.
Escape was never had for me. Lament Escape was never had for me? What the hell does this mean? I am now getting irritated
Consumes a wander lost like me that moves
In blind emotion. Sadly, I have crushed Kin
That dart and run on roads in fury’s grip.
Perhaps if we had known that life was quick
And heedless. Love would grow in barren wastes.
But now in quickly moving feet that press
Upon the gas of swiftly moving cars
The metal moving us takes us away
From each other. You may pass under wheels
And growing weeds that crack concrete are lost.
And metal takes the beating vibrant course
That flows within a beating chest and I
Will barely see a guiding light that shines
In burning bursts of flame that gleam a past
Gone by. The stars at night have cast their light
So long ago and cars get lost on roads
That spin in circles that we can chase
Until a dizzy haze consumes a lost
And running being such as I who veers
Into shadows and wanders blindfolded.
If I had known that frantic rattle you
Had pulsed wildly I could ease these eyes
That strain to find a path and maybe we
Would not be struck by fear and run into
The blaring lights of rushing cars that move
Without a thought to struggles you and I
Have seen while living life as chasing fools
Who dart in front of cars and feel the crush
Of crashing metal as gravity resists our course.
But death is quick as crushing road-kill is
In quickly jerking motions life is lost
And love will flicker quickly running past My hat! Talk about afterthoughts! Dreadfully gratuitous attempt to con the crits. Pathetic and insulting. Not worthy. See end where I unapologetically repeat myself.
To die and yield under a set of wheels.

This is unworthy of you. It says very little but takes the scenic route. Driving fast kills things. End.
You are expecting far too much of your ability...your muse left the building a long way back. Forget about meter. You have other things to attend to.
Best,
tectak

Hmm... I disagree with you about the meter but you make good points on the syntax. Perhaps you have to capture a more natural speech when using blank verse but ending a line with quickly would be a metrical error. Good point on the brake pads. Also you make some other good points. Thanks for commenting. But it is spelled Navajo... What a Fucking mess.

[tectak]

Note: I understand if you get bored before you finish the poem. If anyone has the time or energy I would love to see any metrical problems or places that seem padded.
Hi brownlie,
Lots of language problems in this. You really should attempt ti correct before posting...but you are an interesting crit so this is for you STOP capitalising every line. It is retro.
On scraggly crooked paths that dizzy me
Are hares that dart in front of cars and wheels These wheels...are they fastened to anything? Comma after scraggly. Is this the right word? Not confident.
When frantic panting hearts are seen in haste Full stop after "wheels". Comma after frantic. How do you "see" a heart, of a hare, in haste? Not good imagery.
The metal machines grind with clashing gears MA-chines seems necessary. Emphasises wonky.
Break-pads will wear and fade when endless roads For goodness sake, BRAKE! Why would they wear (ware )if you never stopped. Nonsensense.
Are traveled without stopping. Metal rusts Basic spelling. Check if you cannot spell correctly BEFORE posting in serious
And frantic hares will pay the price for ware. Repeats of frantic
The crunching fragile spines will snap so quick Syntax. Quickly
The tragic deaths of running creatures reminds A foot too long. Meter.
Of organic costs for lost and searching wheels Syntax. Not reminds of. REMINDS US OF , but do not worry, the sentence makes no sense anyway. Wheels again
Displaced drivers float in metal husks
That take away the drivers bodily feel Good but syntax buggered at line end.
For floating metal machines move apart Now you have lost it. READ IT LOUD. If you cannot see what is wrong with this you should repost in mild crit. I know exactly what you are trying to say but you are not articulating your thinking. The thought has become the all...but you are transmitting in Navaho
From synapse strikes that guide the flesh to feel
When limbs are moved. Sadly crunching bones Grammar confusion. Do you mean crunching bones is sad, (Sadly, crunching bones ..) or do you mean crunching is sad (sadly crunching) or do you mean either but specifically and oddly only the mastication of rodent's bones? It is all a muddle. Put it right.
Of rodents brittle bodies quick in fear Apostrophe. Basic error. Full stop after fear. Basic error. There are way too many of these mistakes for serious crit.
A fleeting feeling quickly passes me
But death is not a halting force to stop
A driver. Death is quick and fleeting fast I would fundamentally disagree if I could untangle your convoluted English. Sorry, brownlie, but it is becoming a lost cause. Irksome
And sudden taking life away from beasts
That move in sudden grasps of blinding flight.
Emotion does guide a hare to doom by quick This sentence does me force to say that it makes no sense does not. I should drink more water. Sorry. Personal remark...it does get me like that sometimes.
And crushing wastrels. Lost on roads that wind "Lost on roads that wind in spirals" is not a sentence. You do see that, don't you?
In spirals. Drunken furies brought the death
Of many frantic hares that beat with life.
Escape was never had for me. Lament Escape was never had for me? What the hell does this mean? I am now getting irritated
Consumes a wander lost like me that moves
In blind emotion. Sadly, I have crushed Kin
That dart and run on roads in fury’s grip.
Perhaps if we had known that life was quick
And heedless. Love would grow in barren wastes.
But now in quickly moving feet that press
Upon the gas of swiftly moving cars
The metal moving us takes us away
From each other. You may pass under wheels
And growing weeds that crack concrete are lost.
And metal takes the beating vibrant course
That flows within a beating chest and I
Will barely see a guiding light that shines
In burning bursts of flame that gleam a past
Gone by. The stars at night have cast their light
So long ago and cars get lost on roads
That spin in circles that we can chase
Until a dizzy haze consumes a lost
And running being such as I who veers
Into shadows and wanders blindfolded.
If I had known that frantic rattle you
Had pulsed wildly I could ease these eyes
That strain to find a path and maybe we
Would not be struck by fear and run into
The blaring lights of rushing cars that move
Without a thought to struggles you and I
Have seen while living life as chasing fools
Who dart in front of cars and feel the crush
Of crashing metal as gravity resists our course.
But death is quick as crushing road-kill is
In quickly jerking motions life is lost
And love will flicker quickly running past My hat! Talk about afterthoughts! Dreadfully gratuitous attempt to con the crits. Pathetic and insulting. Not worthy. See end where I unapologetically repeat myself.
To die and yield under a set of wheels.

This is unworthy of you. It says very little but takes the scenic route. Driving fast kills things. End.
You are expecting far too much of your ability...your muse left the building a long way back. Forget about meter. You have other things to attend to.
Best,
tectak

Hmm... I disagree with you about the meter but you make good points on the syntax. Perhaps you have to capture a more natural speech when using blank verse but ending a line with quickly would be a metrical error. Good point on the brake pads. Also you make some other good points. Thanks for commenting. But it is spelled Navajo... What a Fucking mess.

Zounds! What a time to start spelling correctly!
Nav·a·jo also Nav·a·ho (nv-h, näv-)
n. pl. Navajo or Nav·a·jos also Navaho or Nav·a·hos
1.
a. A Native American people inhabiting extensive reservation lands in Arizona, New Mexico, and southeast Utah. The most populous of contemporary Native American groups in the United States, the Navajo are noted as stockbreeders and skilled weavers, potters, and silversmiths.
b. A member of this people.
2. The Apachean language of the Navajo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Very best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

This is unworthy of you. It says very little but takes the scenic route. Driving fast kills things. End.
You are expecting far too much of your ability...your muse left the building a long way back. Forget about meter. You have other things to attend to.
Best,
tectak

Hmm... I disagree with you about the meter but you make good points on the syntax. Perhaps you have to capture a more natural speech when using blank verse but ending a line with quickly would be a metrical error. Good point on the brake pads. Also you make some other good points. Thanks for commenting. But it is spelled Navajo... What a Fucking mess.

Zounds! What a time to start spelling correctly!
Very best,
tectak

This poem was a serious bummer man... but I'm glad you read the whole thing and were honest.

[tectak]

Hmm... I disagree with you about the meter but you make good points on the syntax. Perhaps you have to capture a more natural speech when using blank verse but ending a line with quickly would be a metrical error. Good point on the brake pads. Also you make some other good points. Thanks for commenting. But it is spelled Navajo... What a Fucking mess.

Zounds! What a time to start spelling correctly!
Very best,
tectak

This poem was a serious bummer man... but I'm glad you read the whole thing and were honest.

Yep...a car crash. It happens to us all....but usually we don't post the failures. I only stick up one in twenty and still write shit with regularity.
billy has made an art form of it. Clever bastard. All we moron's love him
Best,
tectak

[milo]

Hmm... I disagree with you about the meter but you make good points on the syntax. Perhaps you have to capture a more natural speech when using blank verse but ending a line with quickly would be a metrical error. Good point on the brake pads. Also you make some other good points. Thanks for commenting. But it is spelled Navajo... What a Fucking mess.

ending with "quickly" is not a metrical error. Please see "Milo's rules for acceptable ip"

Rules for ip:

Lines should have 5 iambs and nothing else.

Exceptions:

there are some acceptable substituions in ip. Substitutions should be used to add emphasis or add to the reading. Substituions should NOT be used because the author cannot find an acceptable iamb.

acceptable sub:

1. Trochees can be substituted for any of the first 4 feet though earlier is better.

2. Double iambs (pyrrhic-trochee) should be used SPARINGLY.

3. Headless iambs can be used for first foot (9 syllable iambic line starting with a hard accent). NOT to be used in first line.

4. Fem endings.

5. Spondees can be used as a sub for any foot although shouldn't occur in the first line and no more than 1 per line. Also, shouldn't occur in line with a troche.


rule #4 - fem endings.

[milo]

Hmm... I disagree with you about the meter but you make good points on the syntax. Perhaps you have to capture a more natural speech when using blank verse but ending a line with quickly would be a metrical error. Good point on the brake pads. Also you make some other good points. Thanks for commenting. But it is spelled Navajo... What a Fucking mess.

ending with "quickly" is not a metrical error. Please see "Milo's rules for acceptable ip"

Rules for ip:

Lines should have 5 iambs and nothing else.

Exceptions:

there are some acceptable substituions in ip. Substitutions should be used to add emphasis or add to the reading. Substituions should NOT be used because the author cannot find an acceptable iamb.

acceptable sub:

1. Trochees can be substituted for any of the first 4 feet though earlier is better.

2. Double iambs (pyrrhic-trochee) should be used SPARINGLY.

3. Headless iambs can be used for first foot (9 syllable iambic line starting with a hard accent). NOT to be used in first line.

4. Fem endings.

5. Spondees can be used as a sub for any foot although shouldn't occur in the first line and no more than 1 per line. Also, shouldn't occur in line with a troche.


rule #4 - fem endings.

Milo doesn't allow anapests? Strict bugger!

As for the poem. I agree with tec on all points, to give you a consensus.

There should be no 3-beat feet in ip. Some consider a fem ending amphabric. I don't.

[milo]

Milo doesn't allow anapests? Strict bugger!

As for the poem. I agree with tec on all points, to give you a consensus.

There should be no 3-beat feet in ip. Some consider a fem ending amphabric. I don't.

Nor do I. Nor do really think anapests work. Fems followed by headless are worthy of mentioning though.

see # 3

[milo]

But # 3 makes no mention of the combination of #4 and #3, or #4 and #1 i.e.

/ LOOK in/ the GLASS/ and TELL/ the FACE/ thou VIEW/ [est]
/ NOW is/ the TIME/ that FACE/ should FORM/ an OTH/ [er]

You can always use feminine endings. You can always use headless iambs (except first line) Obviously you can use them in conjunction.

[milo]

Yes, but using them in conjunction makes a smoother transition between lines, avoiding the SOUND of an anapest. I guess I didn't really explain my point.

The set of rules for ip is just what you can and cannot do, there are no recommendations. Using a feminine ending and then a iamb has a specific purpose as well (usually forces an implied caesura in the reading) but those are just techniques.