The Descent

[cotidiano]

My intended goal is listed after the poem so that you may form your own interpretation before I put ideas in your head. I'm most curious about what you believe the poem is about before reading the background on it. In addition, please note which stanza you feel is the weakest and how it can be improved.

SECOND DRAFT
The Descent

The Descent

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”
Sitting on the porch, the worn man rambled,
reciting tales of colonization, abdication, integration--
the gravitation of a Southern Belle in blue lace.

Nowadays, things disappear and then re-materialize
in the couch, the dishwasher, the pots of forget-me-nots;
abandoned books scatter across the floor, the porch, the lawn.
“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”

Names also became...lost.
Today is...yesterday and yesterday...tomorrow.
Sitting on the porch, the...worn...man rambled,
reciting...tales...of...

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”
But the words morph into an unrecognizable clot--
resentment usurps fondness,
confusion chokes reason.

“Where is Mary Anne?
Isn’t it her birthday today?
Why don’t we throw a little party?
Son, why are you crying?”

Waking up to a wet, familiar stench
in a homely room that is not home.
Finding a place where soft, harmless words
wander and become lost.

Faces blend and blur,
melting into hazy watercolors.
Senses decay and dissolve,
vanishing.

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”


[I'm most unsure about these two parts:
"reciting tales of colonization, abdication, integration--"
This outlines the history of Tuscaloosa, which is why there is that pattern.

"resentment usurps fondness,
confusion chokes reason."
I'm trying to convey how the individual's personality changes for the worst (see notes at the bottom).


FIRST DRAFT
The Descent

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”
Sitting on the porch, the wizened man rambled,
Reciting tales of colonization, abdication, integration--
The gravitation of a Southern Belle in blue lace.

Nowadays, things disappear and then re-materialize
In the couch, the dishwasher, the pots of forget-me-nots;
Abandoned books scatter across the floor, the porch, the lawn.
“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”

Names would also become...lost.
Today is...yesterday and yesterday...tomorrow.
Sitting on the porch, the...wizened...man rambled,
Reciting...tales...of...

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”
But the words morph into an unrecognizable clot--
Resentment usurps fondness,
Confusion chokes reason.

“Where is Mary Anne?
Isn’t it her birthday today?
Why don’t we throw a little party?
Son, why are you crying?”

Waking up to a wet, familiar stench
In a homely room that is not home.
Finding a place where soft, comforting words
Tend to wander and become lost.

Faces blending, blurring,
Melting into hazy watercolor figures.
Senses decaying, dissolving,
Vanishing into nothingness.

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”






---
This poem is intended to outline the seven stages of Alzheimer's (http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_st...eimers.asp). A son is watching is father "descend" into madness, and each stanza represents one of the seven stages in some way. I wanted every section to have its own "quirk" or pattern (such as ellipses or questions). One of the symptoms of Alzheimer's is repeating the same stories over and over (hence the repetition of the first line throughout).

The ellipses are intentionally annoying as to replicate how Alzheimer's patients have trouble grasping words, which can be frustrating for their caretakers.

The last line is intended to be said by the son, who continues his father's legacy by reciting the story he used to tell. Please let me know how I can improve this piece.

Would it be a bad idea to number the stanzas to emphasize the seven stages?
Do you prefer "worn" to "wizened"?

[milo]

My intended goal is listed after the poem so that you may form your own interpretation before I put ideas in your head. I'm most curious about what you believe the poem is about before reading the background on it. In addition, please note which stanza you feel is the weakest and how it can be improved.

well, I didn't know what it was on the first read though I felt it was a doddering old man sinking into old age. I usually read a poem about 10 times before I comment, but I got to the end and read your explanation so who knows if I would have been able to figure it out.

The Descent

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”
Sitting on the porch, the wizened man rambled,
Reciting tales of colonization, abdication, integration--
The gravitation of a Southern Belle in blue lace.

parts of this are pretty good. "wizened" should probably go. I would seriously consider replacing "colonization, abdication and integration" too


Nowadays, things disappear and then re-materialize
In the couch, the dishwasher, the pots of forget-me-nots;
Abandoned books scatter across the floor, the porch, the lawn.
“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”

most of this stanza is excellent. I particularly love the introduction of "forget-me-nots", it is one of those obvious choices that comes across as /perfect/. "Nowadays" has to go of course, but I am assuming this is a draft and you would have caught it anyways.

Names would also become...lost.
Today is...yesterday and yesterday...tomorrow.
Sitting on the porch, the...wizened...man rambled,
Reciting...tales...of...

you are losing some of the poetry here. I understand the intent with all of the elipses but in poetry they are annoying. You have changed tenses with "would" and not in a good way.

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”
But the words morph into an unrecognizable clot--
Resentment usurps fondness,
Confusion chokes reason.

you are relying way more on abstraction in this section - "resentment, fondness, confusion, reason" and as a result it is way less enjoyable to read

“Where is Mary Anne?
Isn’t it her birthday today?
Why don’t we throw a little party?
Son, why are you crying?”

I am back and forth on this section - on the one hand, it gets you r message across quite clearly and efficiently without "telling" although it does come across a bit prosey.

Waking up to a wet, familiar stench
In a homely room that is not home.
Finding a place where soft, comforting words
Tend to wander and become lost.

you could probably trim "tend". Did your want "homey" or "homely"? With soft you don't need comforting or vice-versa

Faces blending, blurring,
Melting into hazy watercolor figures.
Senses decaying, dissolving,
Vanishing into nothingness.


"too many "-ings" here. consider:

Faces blend and blur
melt into watercolors
senses decay and dissolve
vanishing.

says the same thing but much stronger.

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”

nice close






---
This poem is intended to outline the seven stages of Alzheimer's (http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_st...eimers.asp). A son is watching is father "descend" into madness, and each stanza represents one of the seven stages in some way. I wanted every section to have its own "quirk" or pattern (such as ellipses or questions). One of the symptoms of Alzheimer's is repeating the same stories over and over (hence the repetition of the first line throughout).

The last line is intended to be said by the son, who continues his father's legacy by reciting the story he used to tell. Please let me know how I can improve this piece.

I think you have a great start on a nice concept. It still feels "drafty" but there is plenty of obvious strength here.

Thanks for posting.

Good luck!

milo

[cotidiano]

My intended goal is listed after the poem so that you may form your own interpretation before I put ideas in your head. I'm most curious about what you believe the poem is about before reading the background on it. In addition, please note which stanza you feel is the weakest and how it can be improved.

well, I didn't know what it was on the first read though I felt it was a doddering old man sinking into old age. I usually read a poem about 10 times before I comment, but I got to the end and read your explanation so who knows if I would have been able to figure it out.

The Descent

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”
Sitting on the porch, the wizened man rambled,
Reciting tales of colonization, abdication, integration--
The gravitation of a Southern Belle in blue lace.

parts of this are pretty good. "wizened" should probably go. I would seriously consider replacing "colonization, abdication and integration" too


Nowadays, things disappear and then re-materialize
In the couch, the dishwasher, the pots of forget-me-nots;
Abandoned books scatter across the floor, the porch, the lawn.
“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”

most of this stanza is excellent. I particularly love the introduction of "forget-me-nots", it is one of those obvious choices that comes across as /perfect/. "Nowadays" has to go of course, but I am assuming this is a draft and you would have caught it anyways.

Names would also become...lost.
Today is...yesterday and yesterday...tomorrow.
Sitting on the porch, the...wizened...man rambled,
Reciting...tales...of...

you are losing some of the poetry here. I understand the intent with all of the elipses but in poetry they are annoying. You have changed tenses with "would" and not in a good way.

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”
But the words morph into an unrecognizable clot--
Resentment usurps fondness,
Confusion chokes reason.

you are relying way more on abstraction in this section - "resentment, fondness, confusion, reason" and as a result it is way less enjoyable to read

“Where is Mary Anne?
Isn’t it her birthday today?
Why don’t we throw a little party?
Son, why are you crying?”

I am back and forth on this section - on the one hand, it gets you r message across quite clearly and efficiently without "telling" although it does come across a bit prosey.

Waking up to a wet, familiar stench
In a homely room that is not home.
Finding a place where soft, comforting words
Tend to wander and become lost.

you could probably trim "tend". Did your want "homey" or "homely"? With soft you don't need comforting or vice-versa

Faces blending, blurring,
Melting into hazy watercolor figures.
Senses decaying, dissolving,
Vanishing into nothingness.


"too many "-ings" here. consider:

Faces blend and blur
melt into watercolors
senses decay and dissolve
vanishing.

says the same thing but much stronger.

“Let me tell you the story of Old Tuscaloosa.”

nice close






---
This poem is intended to outline the seven stages of Alzheimer's (http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_st...eimers.asp). A son is watching is father "descend" into madness, and each stanza represents one of the seven stages in some way. I wanted every section to have its own "quirk" or pattern (such as ellipses or questions). One of the symptoms of Alzheimer's is repeating the same stories over and over (hence the repetition of the first line throughout).

The last line is intended to be said by the son, who continues his father's legacy by reciting the story he used to tell. Please let me know how I can improve this piece.

I think you have a great start on a nice concept. It still feels "drafty" but there is plenty of obvious strength here.

Thanks for posting.

Good luck!

milo

Thank you so much for your constructive feedback! I will keep working on it.

[tanglefoot]

I am truly a novice at this whole poetry thing, but to any one who has ever been touched by Alzheimer's, it is very apparent what this poem is about. By the fifth line I was sure. I found your poem touching and sad and true. thankyou. x

[wystan1000]

Hi - this is, as tanglefoot says, a great topic. There is much that is good in the poem. However, I'm afraid the fact that it is meant to represent seven stages of Alzheimer's doesn't mitigate the fact that the poem is too long and diffuse. It is technically very difficult to write a poem that runs to a strict formula. The nature of the beast suggests each stanza must be the same in some way but slightly different. All your stanzas are very different - different speech acts, subjects.
Remember this is a poem and poems work best with a concentration - of ideas, of characters, of time and place - so at your stage of development, I would look at a character study or a monologue. The strongest would be inside the man's head - or there is also the interaction between child and parent.
Additionally, poems should be unique (art has to have a reason to be created), so this is in some ways a rather too straightforward description of an illness that is recognisable. A list of symptoms isn't a poem. It doesn't really bring much that is new. Often the poem comes when we connect one idea to another.
What I do, is I have a bunch of ideas in my head that could be part of a poem and then I live my life and wait for another one that might have something to do with the first - help explain the first. Like for example, I am working on a poem that considers alcoholism to be somewhat like a tsunami because of the ways it casually wipes out the things that one has come to recognise and rely on in one's life.

Hope this helps, doesn't hinder.

Keep writing

Takooba (Michael)

[milo]

I am truly a novice at this whole poetry thing, but to any one who has ever been touched by Alzheimer's, it is very apparent what this poem is about. By the fifth line I was sure. I found your poem touching and sad and true. thankyou. x

what about the flow? Would you say that it had good flow?

[wystan1000]

I am truly a novice at this whole poetry thing, but to any one who has ever been touched by Alzheimer's, it is very apparent what this poem is about. By the fifth line I was sure. I found your poem touching and sad and true. thankyou. x

what about the flow? Would you say that it had good flow?

Yeah, I think you are right. I might have been a bit harsh in the first instance. Anyway, the point is this is a really solid start at writing poetry showing a clear understanding of what's needed and involved. On that we agree.