Everything

[Smudge173]

Hello, this is my first attempt at a poem. Thought I'd take a stab at it, bit shabby but ah well.

I've called it Everything because it's a bit of everything. I do welcome any type of feedback and please be brutally honest!

Here it is:

"Everything that's around you is subject to change,
It's something I've learnt in this day and age,
But you've gotta take control and create the next page,
All that seems to matter is the sum of your wage.

With every opportunity there's a little to miss,
These past few years I've compiled a list:
Friends, family and the unknown of the mist,
I can be profound but I hope you get the jist.

4 walls, a floor, a door and a ceiling,
This is where I show how I'm really feeling,
When it's too much the outer layer starts peeling,
If you wanna help, be prepared for some heaving.

This society needs a bit of a fix,
There's young girls who aspire to be sticks.
A tummy tuck, boob job, maybe a face lift
None of that, be happy with what you were faced with."

Thanks for checking it out.

[rowens]

It's stiff sounding. The lines can be smoothed out, and some of the punctuation considered.

[Smudge173]

It's stiff sounding. The lines can be smoothed out, and some of the punctuation considered.

Thank you for the feedback! What do you mean by stiff sounding? And by smoothed out do you mean some words can be taken out, or to change the lines and sentences so it flows better?

[rowens]

The rhymes are forced in most places, they're forcing the content too much.

[Smudge173]

The rhymes are forced in most places, they're forcing the content too much.

Thanks for the feedback.

To be honest, I wasn't trying to create a refined poem that I would be over the moon with. I was just creating lines that mean something with rhymes, to see if I had any sort of 'skill' that I could build upon.

[milo]

Hello, this is my first attempt at a poem. Thought I'd take a stab at it, bit shabby but ah well.

I've called it Everything because it's a bit of everything. I do welcome any type of feedback and please be brutally honest!

I would think you would post your first attempt at a poem in the Novice section as that is where you would get the feedback most helpful to your skill level

Here it is:

"Everything that's around you is subject to change,
It's something I've learnt in this day and age,
But you've gotta take control and create the next page,
All that seems to matter is the sum of your wage.

Did you know that mathematically you can't sum 1 item, or rather you can and it is always 1? The first line is a generalisation and an overused cliche one at that. learnt is archaic. gotta isn't even a word. next page? what is that? All that seems to matter is prosaic and weak

With every opportunity there's a little to miss,
These past few years I've compiled a list:
Friends, family and the unknown of the mist,
I can be profound but I hope you get the jist.

you are not using any imagery, creative language or any poetic techniques other than rhyme throughout, and the rhyme is terrible. A little what to miss? What past few years? Why are you compliling this list? The "unknown of the mist"? Really?

4 walls, a floor, a door and a ceiling,
This is where I show how I'm really feeling,
When it's too much the outer layer starts peeling,
If you wanna help, be prepared for some heaving.

This society needs a bit of a fix,
There's young girls who aspire to be sticks.
A tummy tuck, boob job, maybe a face lift
None of that, be happy with what you were faced with."

Thanks for checking it out.

it kind of goes on in the least poetic way possible, listing some generalizations that seem to matter to some narrator in as disconnected a way as possible. There is never really anything new or interesting around the corner and the forced rhymes make the experience painful.

Keep at it, but start with the basics. Read some modern poetry and find out what works and what doesn't. It is not /what/ you say, poetry is not a message to be stated bald faced to readers but a journey and poets are wordsmiths - masters of language that construct word experiences as skillfully as possible.

milo

I thought you might know the "unknown of the mist"
but like me you just work for a wage.
For a moment, time stopped, and 2 strangers kissed -
I thought you might know. The unknown of the missed
opportunities, 2 strangers pass and then cease to exist
as another 2 exit the stage.
I thought you might know the unknown. Of the mist -
but like me you just work for a wage.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Hello, this is my first attempt at a poem. Thought I'd take a stab at it, bit shabby but ah well.

I've called it Everything because it's a bit of everything. I do welcome any type of feedback and please be brutally honest!

Here it is:

"Everything that's around you is subject to change,
It's something I've learnt in this day and age,

"learned" is better.

But you've gotta take control and create the next page,

This is vague, next page to what? life? a book?

All that seems to matter is the sum of your wage.

I see a vague rhythm and it isn't a set rhythm.

With every opportunity there's a little to miss,
little what to miss?
These past few years I've compiled a list:
Friends, family and the unknown of the mist,
I can be profound but I hope you get the jist.

don't really get it. I get your trying to rhyme but the depth just isnt here so far.

4 walls, a floor, a door and a ceiling,
should be "four"
This is where I show how I'm really feeling,
When it's too much the outer layer starts peeling,
If you wanna help, be prepared for some heaving.
still lacking a directional intent, I can get what your implying in a vague sense of things. But, I am really missing something that should be invoked by you.

This society needs a bit of a fix,
There's young girls who aspire to be sticks.
A tummy tuck, boob job, maybe a face lift
None of that, be happy with what you were faced with."

The direction isn't here and after reading, I don't really have a concrete connection with the piece.
Thanks for checking it out.

I believe you could keep your rhythm but, also convey a more potent message in what your saying. This piece lacks imagery or sense of surroundings. It doesn't really tell me anything except that everything around you is subject to change. The direction of the piece was exactly that. I believe You got potential to create some really good poetry if you can reach that depth and convey it. I would try posting in Novice for awhile and reading poetry in Novice, Mild and Serious before you write again. Maybe open your mind up to the possibilities of what you can do, and what you can add into your rhyme scheme to make it more efficient in rhyming and also giving it a concrete depth that sticks with the reader.
It is also proper etiquette to give feedback on poetry in either Novice, Mild or Serious before posting poetry for critique. Welcome to the forum and your poem felt a little like "Rage against the machine" to me.