Sun-wise (Re-post from misc to get crit)

[Keith]

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fire's wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

[billy]

i can oly leave the same feedback here

i think this is excellent.
everything about it.
the stressed start of most of the lines works really well
i'm not sure what the form is called but its a solid example

it's image rich and i'm struggling to express how much i like it. for me this is the best poem of yours i've read to date.

[Brownlie]

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fires wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

It sounds good when I read it out loud but I'm missing something on the meaning. Is this some pagan society celebrating the sun and the harvest?

[Keith]

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fires wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

It sounds good when I read it out loud but I'm missing something on the meaning. Is this some pagan society celebrating the sun and the harvest?

Mid-summer, thanks for stopping by.

---

i can oly leave the same feedback here

i think this is excellent.
everything about it.
the stressed start of most of the lines works really well
i'm not sure what the form is called but its a solid example

it's image rich and i'm struggling to express how much i like it. for me this is the best poem of yours i've read to date.

Thanks Billy that means a lot coming from you, I'm not sure what the form is either so that probably means there aint non. In fact having just read it back its all over the place, still I like things messy. Thanks Keith

[tectak]

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fires wheel. "fire's wheel" or "fire wheel" or "fired wheel"

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

Hi TOMH,
We are risk of becoming seen as members of a mutual admiration society...for which I hold you responsible
This is good poetry....though not an acceptable crit, and so I will expand.
What you have done is condense. The words are compact and dense without becoming over-adjectival or clever. The balance is excellent. There are bits I do not "like" but I cannot deny that having a personal opinion of a piece is what tells me that I like it enough to care.
In S1, for example, there is a beacon of need in the singularly turned phrase "Beasts of burden down from field" which has an at once "unnatural" and yet colloquial "feel" to it (...Beasts of burden down from't field.) For me, though, it is a lubricated rhyme which slips in without too much force. The hyphenated "all-fathers" is also enigmatic. Is it a term I am unaware of in this pagan portrait? If not, why?
S3 loses nothing by breaking the at best tenuous rhyme scheme but it does not stamp intent on the verse. In other words, it could be accidental. You could firm it up by saying "stop" at the end of L3. A full stop would isolate the closing line and definitively declare that you are not trying for rhyme in this stanza. There are other ways but who am I to suggest alternatives?
By the way, last line. "prose" rhymes with "rose". Oh, bugger. I just can't help myself.
Very Best,
tectak

[Keith]

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fires wheel. "fire's wheel" or "fire wheel" or "fired wheel"

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

Hi TOMH,
We are risk of becoming seen as members of a mutual admiration society...for which I hold you responsible:)
This is good poetry....though not an acceptable crit, and so I will expand.
What you have done is condense. The words are compact and dense without becoming over-adjectival or clever. The balance is excellent. There are bits I do not "like" but I cannot deny that having a personal opinion of a piece is what tells me that I like it enough to care.
In S1, for example, there is a beacon of need in the singularly turned phrase "Beasts of burden down from field" which has an at once "unnatural" and yet colloquial "feel" to it (...Beasts of burden down from't field.) For me, though, it is a lubricated rhyme which slips in without too much force. The hyphenated "all-fathers" is also enigmatic. Is it a term I am unaware of in this pagan portrait? If not, why?
S3 loses nothing by breaking the at best tenuous rhyme scheme but it does not stamp intent on the verse. In other words, it could be accidental. You could firm it up by saying "stop" at the end of L3. A full stop would isolate the closing line and definitively declare that you are not trying for rhyme in this stanza. There are other ways but who am I to suggest alternatives?
By the way, last line. "prose" rhymes with "rose". Oh, bugger. I just can't help myself.:)
Very Best,
tectak

Hi tectak, don't worry about mutual appreciation normal service will resume and I'll be back to writing crap, he says twirling his cap....see.
From the start, I will thank you for your considered crit and I will come clean, I didn't notice and wasn't trying for a rhyming scheme the mess you see is just how it fell but I did consider down from the field and I got stuck on it, so took it out then thought down from field sounded a bit light from yonder window or erm down from field he was but then though it sounds ok, leave it. I also considered from't but not the language I was going for so nuff said.

I will pick, fire's wheel, thanks for pointing that out will edit.

The All-fathers is linked to the crops being a strong yield and made so by playing manly games, hence the comma, today the Highland games still has its roots here. All-fathers is the Sunday before Summer solstice we now it as fathers day and we still play our manly games when allowed too.

I am trying to rhyme in the last stanza, leaf, lease, belief. I'm just not following a scheme. There was a belief that if you slept with these powerful flowers under your pillow then you would dream of your future lover or obtain the power of the bard or go mad and be taken by the fairies...sound familiar.

Thanks tectak much appreciated, my new feedback line is "Lubricated rhyme that slips in without too much force":D best Keith

---

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fires wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

Hello TimeOnMyHands,

This is a little Emily Dickinson, a little early King Crimson. Those are meant as compliments.

Obviously you understand meter, and I sense the liberties you took are intentional. That slight askew-ness and odd scheme in S3 are why I like it. It flirts with precision, but doesn't totally commit. Hence, the Dickinson comparison.

The oblique, almost psychedelic references are just out there enough, and still allow the poem an air of accessibility. Hence, the King Crimson comparison.

In short, I like this very much.

Hello Fogglethorpe
If Crimson and ED are on the list I must have someone else's ticket by mistake, but for now I'll take the compliment. Alas I fear the liberties are just that and my most received crit phrase is Lubric....no not that one, is "the meter needs some work" and it usually does.

The last stanza does seem a bit flower power now you mention it but that was never my intention, however I was trying to tell a tale so to speak. Many thanks for your feedback and kind comments. Keith

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fire's wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

I cant see anything to point out except that I like "masculine" instead of "manly" feels to me the word masculine adds a stronger depth. It reads very well and has a good rhythm. I think "new" in this line "sleep to dream of lovers new lease" stresses the rhythm. All in all good poem.

[milo]

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fire's wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

I have read this about 30 times now and I keep refraining from commenting. I like the sonics at work. I love the density of the language. I am having a real problem though with your choice to sometimes use articles and sometimes not.

"down from field", "onto leaf", "reclaims belief" in a poem where you use many articles all feel very awkward to me.

Also, I loved the ballad meter you started in the first 2 lines and, for me (and probably only me) I would love to read a version done in all ballad meter (4-3-4-3) because I feel instinctively it might work very nicely here.

Still, I loved the read overall, the imagery and density were fantastic.

[Keith]

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fire's wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

I cant see anything to point out except that I like "masculine" instead of "manly" feels to me the word masculine adds a stronger depth. It reads very well and has a good rhythm. I think "new" in this line "sleep to dream of lovers new lease" stresses the rhythm. All in all good poem.

Thanks very much RC I will have a think about the manly substitution. Cheers TOMH

---

Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fire's wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

I have read this about 30 times now and I keep refraining from commenting. I like the sonics at work. I love the density of the language. I am having a real problem though with your choice to sometimes use articles and sometimes not.

"down from field", "onto leaf", "reclaims belief" in a poem where you use many articles all feel very awkward to me.

Also, I loved the ballad meter you started in the first 2 lines and, for me (and probably only me) I would love to read a version done in all ballad meter (4-3-4-3) because I feel instinctively it might work very nicely here.

Still, I loved the read overall, the imagery and density were fantastic.

Hi Milo, you have some interesting ideas here and I will consider them for the edit and maybe the ballad. Thanks TOMH

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[Feele='TimeOnMyHands' pid='130358' dateline='1372031964']
Stone grinds out a diamond arc,
trilithons frame the heel.
Beasts of burden down from field,
parade around the fire's wheel.

Rural beacons blind the night,
leapers launch above the flames,
marking out the crops new height,
all-fathers play their manly games.

Sun passes power onto leaf,
vervain, trefoil, rue and rose
sleep to dream of loves new lease,
the bard within reclaims belief.

This is great, the rhymes feel natural, and musical. S1 is brilliant, especially L1-2, but L 3 is a mystery beyond me, it may just be a missing article that had me thrown. Lyrically it's good work, with strong imagery.
[/quote]

Thanks Trueenigma, its ok no one else seems to get S1 L3 so I need to have a look I just cant make things fit at the moment so will work out an edit. best TOMH