captaintigernelson
Unregistered
You passed out, and I
Carried you home
And then you slept for two whole days
You awoke and said "don't worry,
I've been dreaming of you,
And we danced in circles around all the dead orchids"
And that's all there was
Their persistent tongues softly whither me away
As I silently protest the stars
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
You have some nice lines in this (Their persistent tongues softly whither me away)I was hooked by its quirky opening and it conveys a sense of loss but I'm afraid some of the meaning was lost on me. but I did enjoy it. TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
I really liked the imagery in this and the graceful way you have of putting words together. It was melancholy without being overly dramatic, which I enjoyed. My one question to you is about the use of the comma in the title, since it doesn't appear when the line is repeated later on. "silently, protest the stars" and "I silently protest the stars" seem to have very different meanings, which could be intentional or not. Either way, I enjoy your writing and hope to read more!
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
Not sure about the placement of your end-quote. Did you want it on the line before?
You have a lot of "Ands" and not enough punctuation. Capitalizing the beginning of every line doesn't mean it's a new thought.
"And that's all there was
Their persistent tongues softly whither me away
As I silently protest the stars"
This is a bad ending. To me it reads like a poem that is being mocked for trying too hard.
I'll be there in a minute.
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
(06-19-2013, 11:24 AM)captaintigernelson Wrote: You passed out, and I
Carried you home
And then you slept for two whole days
You awoke and said "don't worry,
I've been dreaming of you,
And we danced in circles around all the dead orchids"
And that's all there was
Their persistent tongues softly whither me away
As I silently protest the stars
beautiful! congrats!
serge
