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I walked a ladder up to the light
the light was shining and amazing
i walked the ladder up to this so wanted sight
and all the time up i was gazing
The ladder moaned under me but i didn't care
i knew that all this pain will be gone when im up there
the ladder pleaded me to stop
but i ignored its sad sob
I'm almost up, up there
taking my beautiful light
of happiness i'm grabbing my hair
and than i see its hellish fire and not my amazing sight
The way it's put together isn't very effective. The talker does sound more sinister because of the simplicity and the weakness of the poem. And that is a bit effective. But is that what you want? Or do you want a stronger poem?
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hi konstantin.
cut out all the repetition and substitute other words or phrases.
be less obvious, be less literal, say one thing to mean something else. use some poetic devices such as alliteration, consonance etc. at present the poem is telling us you went up to a light you thought was good and it was bad. the reader needs more depth.
(06-30-2013, 01:41 AM)konstantin27 Wrote: I walked a ladder up to the light
the light was shining and amazing
i walked the ladder up to this so wanted sight
and all the time up i was gazing
The ladder moaned under me but i didn't care
i knew that all this pain will be gone when im up there
the ladder pleaded me to stop
but i ignored its sad sob
I'm almost up, up there
taking my beautiful light
of happiness i'm grabbing my hair
and than i see its hellish fire and not my amazing sight
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Threads: 22
Joined: Jun 2013
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(06-30-2013, 01:41 AM)konstantin27 Wrote: I walked a ladder up to the light
the light was shining and amazing
i walked the ladder up to this so wanted sight
and all the time up i was gazing
The ladder moaned under me but i didn't care
i knew that all this pain will be gone when im up there
the ladder pleaded me to stop
but i ignored its sad sob
I'm almost up, up there
taking my beautiful light
of happiness i'm grabbing my hair
and than i see its hellish fire and not my amazing sight
Very clever!
Posts: 8
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thanks everybody, ill try better with my next poem
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if it seems there's a lot to put right, just do a stanza or verse at a time in an edit. editing will help you when you come to do more poems.
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its just not a poem i care about enough to edit
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(06-30-2013, 02:57 PM)konstantin27 Wrote: its just not a poem i care about enough to edit
thank god I didn't waste my time commenting on it . . .
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i would say if your close to a lightbulb, going up that hot ladder. you might want to think about that light bulbs existence. and far as your poem goes. i would make sure to use full stops indicated by commas, and periods. i did enjoy this poem even though it is clearly about trying to reach a heavenly existence, i think
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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(06-30-2013, 01:41 AM)konstantin27 Wrote: I walked a ladder up to the light
the light was shining and amazing
i walked the ladder up to this so wanted sight
and all the time up i was gazing
The ladder moaned under me but i didn't care
i knew that all this pain will be gone when im up there
the ladder pleaded me to stop
but i ignored its sad sob
I'm almost up, up there
taking my beautiful light
of happiness i'm grabbing my hair
and than i see its hellish fire and not my amazing sight
The first stanza is a bit mundane. But I love "the ladder moaned under me but I didn't care." It is a beautifully written allusion to your determination in the climb. The last stanza gives a nice surprise that shows what we think will make us happy can often be quite wrong. Someone else can explain it better than me, but I think the last stanza can also be packaged a little better.
