time seriously... guys

[Bunx]

EDIT
RE: time seriously... guys
It is time to go, seriously guys.
My mom wants me to be
home by nine, or she will crack
my spine; and buy a new plane to fly.

Guys, come on it is time to roll.
We have to be there before
another show. Another girl seeing
another world. Before her eyes.

Girls don't need. They give me
the only thing I ever want, smiling
hugging. Kissing is good, but so
is a mood made out of beautiful oak.
Oak petrified by love for man.
Love for child, and love for me.

Some days I wish I could be
an oak tree. But than....................
I could not love you back.


ORIGINAL
It is time to go, seriously guys.
My mom wants be home by nine,
or she will crack my spine;
and buy a new plane to fly.

Guys, come on it is time to roll.
We have all be there before
another show. Another girl seeing
another world. Before her eyes.

Girls don't need. They give me
the only thing I ever want, smiling
hugging. Kissing is good, but so
is a mood made out of beautiful oak.
Oak petrified by love for man.
Love for child, and love for me.

Some days I wish I could be
an oak tree. But than....................
I could not love you back.

[tectak]

It is time to go, seriously guys.
My mom wants be home by nine, "be" to me
or she will crack my spine;
and buy a new plane to fly.

Guys, come on it is time to roll. comma after on.
We have all be there before We have to all be there beforeWe have all to be there before
another show. Another girl seeing
another world. Before her eyes. another another. Find another word

Girls don't need. They give me
the only thing I ever want, smiling
hugging. Kissing is good, but so
is a mood made out of beautiful oak.suggest semicolon or the next phrase is incomplete
Oak petrified by love for man. comma or the next phrase is incomplete
Love for child, and love for me.

Some days I wish I could be You can. What you mean is "Some days I wish that I could be "...or..."Some days I wish that I was an oak tree"
an oak tree. But than....................[b] then
I could not love you back.

Interesting use of oak as a metaphor for an emotion. I get a little confused in verse three with what the rhythm, is it supposed to feel like broken up thoughts? Overall very intriguing poem!

but not suitable for serious crit until checked by the writer for basic errors. See forum rules.
tectak

[Robbie Reaper]

It is time to go, seriously guys.
My mom wants be home by nine,
or she will crack my spine;
and buy a new plane to fly.

Guys, come on it is time to roll.
We have all be there before
another show. Another girl seeing
another world. Before her eyes.

Girls don't need. They give me
the only thing I ever want, smiling
hugging. Kissing is good, but so
is a mood made out of beautiful oak.
Oak petrified by love for man.
Love for child, and love for me.

Some days I wish I could be
an oak tree. But than....................
I could not love you back.

I agree. This composition has errors that need to be corrected. Also, I do not think it should remain uploaded here in the serious critique section. (It does not seem to be a very serious poem...) Other than that, I'm glad to see that you've taken an interest in writing and I hope you continue to grow as a writer.

Best wishes,
Robbie Reaper

[Bunx]

It is time to go, seriously guys.
My mom wants to be home by nine,
or she will crack my spine;
and buy a new plane to fly.

Guys, come on it is time to roll.
We have to all be there before
another show. Another girl seeing
another world. Before her eyes.

Girls don't need. They give me
the only thing I ever want, smiling
hugging. Kissing is good, but so
is a mood made out of beautiful oak.
Oak petrified by love for man.
Love for child, and love for me.

Some days I wish I could be
an oak tree. But then....................
I could not love you back.

---

prose tech robbie. thanks for the comments. come suggestions taken. again i am a noobie at this. see novice poetry

---

again thanks for the serious critque. this poem is pretty a serious poem about what we all got.

---

time seriously...
guys
It is time to go,
seriously guys.
My mom wants be home by nine,
or she will crack my spine;
and buy a new plane to fly.

Guys,
come on it is time to roll.
We have all be there before
another show. Another girl,
she is seeing
another world.
Before her eyes.

Girls don't need. They give me
the only thing I ever want, smiling
hugging. Kissing is good, but so
is a mood made out of beautiful oak.
Oak petrified by love for man.
Love for child, and love for me.

Some days I wish I could be
an oak tree. But than....................
I could not love you back.

---

fucked around with the structure as well
edit 3

---

It is time to go, seriously guys.
My mom wants be home by nine, "be" to me
or she will crack my spine;
and buy a new plane to fly.

Guys, come on it is time to roll.
We have all be there before We have to all be there before
another show. Another girl seeing
another world. Before her eyes.

Girls don't need. They give me
the only thing I ever want, smiling
hugging. Kissing is good, but so
is a mood made out of beautiful oak.
Oak petrified by love for man.
Love for child, and love for me.

Some days I wish I could be
an oak tree. But than....................
I could not love you back.

Interesting use of oak as a metaphor for an emotion. I get a little confused in verse three with what the rhythm, is it supposed to feel like broken up thoughts? Overall very intriguing poem!

[serge gurkski]

It is time to go, seriously guys.
My mom wants be home by nine,
or she will crack my spine;
and buy a new plane to fly.

Guys, come on it is time to roll.
We have all be there before
another show. Another girl seeing
another world. Before her eyes.

Girls don't need. They give me
the only thing I ever want, smiling
hugging. Kissing is good, but so
is a mood made out of beautiful oak.
Oak petrified by love for man.
Love for child, and love for me.

Some days I wish I could be
an oak tree. But than....................
I could not love you back.

love it.

[Bunx]

ya!!! haven't been on in a min. loved all the positive feedback on this one.

[Bunx]

It is time to go, seriously guys.
My mom wants me to be
home by nine, or she will crack
my spine; and buy a new plane to fly.

Guys, come on it is time to roll.
We have to be there before
another show. Another girl seeing
another world. Before her eyes.

Girls don't need. They give me
the only thing I ever want, smiling
hugging. Kissing is good, but so
is a mood made out of beautiful oak.
Oak petrified by love for man.
Love for child, and love for me.

Some days I wish I could be
an oak tree. But than....................
I could not love you back.

[Bunx]

serge! thanks man

[serge gurkski]

yw! ;-)
post your revision above your origina post.

cheers
serge