Death on our Roads

[wystan1000]

Edit 1

For cyclists, the threat of death is all-too real:
people make it all the time.

For instance, how we ask for it without a helmet
and when we’re told that surgeons call us “donors.”

One Sunday, 3am, this cop pursued me through three reds
round empty streets I know like country lanes.
He warned this late, some drunk would run me down.

Another one snapped: “Halt!” as I tried nosing round
a long, stopped truck of beams.
“A bit of common sense,” he said
“Or else you’ll end up under it.”

And so the cabby, apoplectic
that my junction turn was tighter than his cab’s
must win some prize for being actualised.
“I hope you die,” he snarled.
One day I will.

Original

For cyclists on our roads, the threat of death is all-too real:
people make it all the time.
Like how we ask for it without a helmet and
when the clown says how the surgeons call us “donors.”

One 3am, this cop pursued me through three reds
on empty City streets I know like lanes:
He said, this late, a drunk would run me down
if I got by with just my eyes and ears.

Another one, last midnight, shouted: “halt!”
as I tried nosing round a long, stopped truck
of steel bound for Molloch’s next erection.
“A bit of common sense” he said
“...or you'll go under it.”
“Like that?” I snapped, “comply or die?”

Freud said, “Every fear contains a wish.”
And so the cabbie raging at my U-turn tighter
than his cab’s must win some prize for
being actualised:
“I hope you die!"

[svanhoeven]

For cyclists on our roads, the threat of death is all-too real:
This line generated a hilarious image. I imagined it read with some generic mid-western accent typical to American educational filmstrips (google it). At the end of the line, I heard the ding. This could be good if that's where you're going.
people make it all the time.
That's not where you're going. Your "it" is troublesome. The obvious prior referent is "the threat of death". People "make the threat of death" all the time? OK, maybe this is about road rage. I live in Texas. Sometimes folk are tempted to grab the long gun hanging in their pickup's window rack.
Like how we ask for it without a helmet and
Oh, "make it" is to live, and "ask for it" is to tempt death. Both are ambiguous. Also, "and" is too feeble a word use at a line break.
when the clown says how the surgeons call us “donors.”
Unless you're talking specifically about Bozo or Krusty, you should say "a clown". Also drop the "the" before "surgeons".

One 3am, this cop pursued me through three reds
I suggest "Once, at 3am". I like the compression of "three reds".
on empty City streets I know like lanes:
Why capitalize "city"? Maybe this is a trans-Atlantic difference, but don't streets have lanes instead of being like lanes?
He said, this late, a drunk would run me down
if I got by with just my eyes and ears.
I'm confused here. Do you mean "If I functioned with just my eyes and ears?" Eyes and ears are a pretty good duet for cycling. I need a hint as to what else you need.

Another one, last midnight, shouted: “halt!”
as I tried nosing round a long, stopped truck
of steel bound for Molloch’s next erection.
It's "Moloch". Are children going to be a burnt sacrifice in there? This is an unnecessary bit of hyperbolic criticism in a poem about cycling. Also, the term "erection" is far too loaded unless you're making an joke, but I don't see that here.
“A bit of common sense” he said
“...or you'll go under it.”
Why would you end up under a stopped truck if you're just nosing around it?
“Like that?” I snapped, “comply or die?”
"Comply" is too strong a word here for the cop's suggestion. Did he draw his sidearm?

Freud said, “Every fear contains a wish.”
And so the cabbie raging at my U-turn tighter
than his cab’s must win some prize for
being actualised:
“I hope you die!"
Why does the cabbie fear your U-turn? In my experience, cabbies are pretty fearless.

[wystan1000]

For cyclists on our roads, the threat of death is all-too real:
This line generated a hilarious image. I imagined it read with some generic mid-western accent typical to American educational filmstrips (google it). At the end of the line, I heard the ding. This could be good if that's where you're going.
people make it all the time.
That's not where you're going. Your "it" is troublesome. The obvious prior referent is "the threat of death". People "make the threat of death" all the time? OK, maybe this is about road rage. I live in Texas. Sometimes folk are tempted to grab the long gun hanging in their pickup's window rack. no people make (raise) the threat of death all the time - so perhaps I should say people raise it all the time.
Like how we ask for it without a helmet and
Oh, "make it" is to live, and "ask for it" is to tempt death. Both are ambiguous. Also, "and" is too feeble a word use at a line break.
when the clown says how the surgeons call us “donors.”
Unless you're talking specifically about Bozo or Krusty, you should say "a clown". Also drop the "the" before "surgeons". Yeah, "a" "the" both work in English English. "The" because people always bring this hoary old urban myth up.

One 3am, this cop pursued me through three reds
I suggest "Once, at 3am". I like the compression of "three reds". I like this reification of a time
on empty City streets I know like lanes:
Why capitalize "city"? Maybe this is a trans-Atlantic difference, but don't streets have lanes instead of being like lanes? City of London takes a capital. Lanes is short for country lanes. Reckon most would get this over here. But noted.
He said, this late, a drunk would run me down
if I got by with just my eyes and ears.
I'm confused here. Do you mean "If I functioned with just my eyes and ears?" Eyes and ears are a pretty good duet for cycling. I need a hint as to what else you need. Traffic lights apparently!

Another one, last midnight, shouted: “halt!”
as I tried nosing round a long, stopped truck
of steel bound for Molloch’s next erection.
It's "Moloch". Are children going to be a burnt sacrifice in there? This is an unnecessary bit of hyperbolic criticism in a poem about cycling. Also, the term "erection" is far too loaded unless you're making an joke, but I don't see that here. Thanks for correction - shorthanded reference to Howl. There's loads of new skyscrapers going up in the City of London at the moment.
“A bit of common sense” he said
“...or you'll go under it.”
Why would you end up under a stopped truck if you're just nosing around it? Ask the cop!
“Like that?” I snapped, “comply or die?”
"Comply" is too strong a word here for the cop's suggestion. Did he draw his sidearm? This is the whole subtext of the poem. People imagine death for (threaten cyclists with) death if they don't follow the rules or behave in ways they can't. Anyway, that's what I said!

Freud said, “Every fear contains a wish.”
And so the cabbie raging at my U-turn tighter
than his cab’s must win some prize for
being actualised:
“I hope you die!"
Why does the cabbie fear your U-turn? In my experience, cabbies are pretty fearless. I'm suggesting the people are "worrying" about cyclists because they, in fact, despise them. They actually want cyclists to stop doing what they are doing or otherwise do it their way ... and be proved right in their misgivings.
In short, your uncertainty about the subject of the poem could either be because it's unclear or because we have such a different frame of reference.
I will certainly have a look and see if I can clarify without losing my rather polemical point. I'm just talking to my sister about it and she's confused about Freud and the taxi driver, so I will have to think if I'm being too clever clever.

thanks very much

Michael

[Brownlie]

For cyclists on our roads, the threat of death is all-too real:
people make it all the time.
Like how we ask for it without a helmet and
when the clown says how the surgeons call us “donors.”

One 3am, this cop pursued me through three reds
on empty City streets I know like lanes:
He said, this late, a drunk would run me down
if I got by with just my eyes and ears.

Another one, last midnight, shouted: “halt!”
as I tried nosing round a long, stopped truck
of steel bound for Molloch’s next erection.
“A bit of common sense” he said
“...or you'll go under it.”
“Like that?” I snapped, “comply or die?”

Freud said, “Every fear contains a wish.”
And so the cabbie raging at my U-turn tighter
than his cab’s must win some prize for
being actualised:
“I hope you die!"

I would provide more setting and more concrete description in general.

[tectak]

Hy wystan,
There is a whole lot wrong with this but I am careful not to offend what may be your vernacular approach. Now, that last line I wrote was deliberately incorrect. By intent, you knew what I meant; I did not wish to offend "you", but what I said was I did not wish to offend your approach. In your piece this kind of thing crops up too often to be by design. It rather seems as if you make errors.
We shall see.
Best,
tectak

For cyclists on our roads, the threat of death is all-too real: "all-too" is wordy. Superfluous. It is real or it is perceived erroneously.
people make it all the time. Here we go. What do people make. The threat, the roads, "the" death? Poor language control.Needs tightening up."
Like how we ask for it without a helmet and Skoolboy english like what is spoke. Appalling if you cannot see the errors. What is "like" what, innit? Do we take our helmet off to ask? That is what you say.
when the clown says how the surgeons call us “donors.” What clown? How DO the surgeons call us donors...and what is it like? I have forgotten what I am metaphorically linking to.You say that surgeons call us donors is like asking for it without a helmet. Huh? You MUST get your thoughts clear before committing to print...or at the very least, show respect for the forum by correcting before posting

One 3am, this cop pursued me through three reds
on empty City streets I know like lanes: I can only just squeeze meaning out of this. I believe you are speaking street. I hope you are but I cannot relate to knowing anything like a lane. You are trying for simile/metaphor but by blatancy you loose the subtle essence of clarification. I am left wondering if there is any gap in my knowledge which if only I knew a lane or two would suffice to fill.
He said, this late, a drunk would run me down
if I got by with just my eyes and ears. This lacks veracity because it is nonsense.

Another one, last midnight, shouted: “halt!” Another WHAT? Another drunk? Another eye,ear or throat? Huge disconnect. And why whisper "halt!", Halt is a complete sentence so needs the benefit of a capital letter. You should not make basic errors in Serious Crit.
as I tried nosing round a long, stopped truck
of steel bound for Molloch’s next erection. Hmm. Anywhere near Viagra Falls
“A bit of common sense” he said
“...or you'll go under it.”
“Like that?” I snapped, “comply or die?” To attempt dialogue this late comes as a shock until the errors jump out. Better avoid if you are unsure how to punctuate. Maybe repost in mild?

Freud said, “Every fear contains a wish.” No. He didn't. "When we fear things I think that we wish for them ... every fear hides a wish." DAVID MAMET, Edmond

And so the cabbie raging at my U-turn tighter
than his cab’s must win some prize for
being actualised: I would bin the previous stanzas and just post this. I am though, informed by the use of "actualised" in this way...but you do not give me confidence so I shall look it up....as I assume you did I looked it up. It is a good word but the wrong word. What ARE you trying to say? Help.
“I hope you die!"

....and well I might.

Best,
tectak

[wystan1000]

Hy wystan,
There is a whole lot wrong with this but I am careful not to offend what may be your vernacular approach. Now, that last line I wrote was deliberately incorrect. By intent, you knew what I meant; I did not wish to offend "you", but what I said was I did not wish to offend your approach. In your piece this kind of thing crops up too often to be by design. It rather seems as if you make errors.
We shall see.
Best,
tectak


For cyclists on our roads, the threat of death is all-too real: "all-too" is wordy. Superfluous. It is real or it is perceived erroneously.
people make it all the time. Here we go. What do people make. The threat, the roads, "the" death? Poor language control.Needs tightening up." "all-too" is a deliberate cliche, see below.
Like how we ask for it without a helmet and Skoolboy english like what is spoke. Appalling if you cannot see the errors. What is "like" what, innit? Do we take our helmet off to ask? That is what you say. "Like" completes the modification of the "threat" as what meets us on the road, into the threats people make ("it" is death, "you're asking for it" is an actual threat ... another example being ...
when the clown says how the surgeons call us “donors.” What clown? How DO the surgeons call us donors...and what is it like? I have forgotten what I am metaphorically linking to.You say that surgeons call us donors is like asking for it without a helmet. Huh? You MUST get your thoughts clear before committing to print...or at the very least, show respect for the forum by correcting before posting If you are a cyclist people make the same joke about how surgeons call cyclists "donors." I hear it all the time. Always hilarious, obviously.

One 3am, this cop pursued me through three reds
on empty City streets I know like lanes: I can only just squeeze meaning out of this. I believe you are speaking street. I hope you are but I cannot relate to knowing anything like a lane. You are trying for simile/metaphor but by blatancy you loose the subtle essence of clarification. I am left wondering if there is any gap in my knowledge which if only I knew a lane or two would suffice to fill. As in "know like country lanes." I can stick country in.
He said, this late, a drunk would run me down
if I got by with just my eyes and ears. This lacks veracity because it is nonsense. He told me that I would get knocked down by a car if I jumped the lights on empty roads. Arrogantly, being an annoying cyclist, that's what I hear.


Another one, last midnight, shouted: “halt!” Another WHAT? Another drunk? Another eye,ear or throat? Huge disconnect. And why whisper "halt!", Halt is a complete sentence so needs the benefit of a capital letter. You should not make basic errors in Serious Crit. Another policeman.
as I tried nosing round a long, stopped truck
of steel bound for Molloch’s next erection. Hmm. Anywhere near Viagra Falls
“A bit of common sense” he said
“...or you'll go under it.”
“Like that?” I snapped, “comply or die?” To attempt dialogue this late comes as a shock until the errors jump out. Better avoid if you are unsure how to punctuate. Maybe repost in mild?

Freud said, “Every fear contains a wish.” No. He didn't. "When we fear things I think that we wish for them ... every fear hides a wish." DAVID MAMET, Edmond hides, contains.

And so the cabbie raging at my U-turn tighter
than his cab’s must win some prize for
being actualised: I would bin the previous stanzas and just post this. I am though, informed by the use of "actualised" in this way...but you do not give me confidence so I shall look it up....as I assume you did I looked it up. It is a good word but the wrong word. What ARE you trying to say? Help. I'm saying that the other folks mentioned throughout the poem were also wishing me dead, but were veiling their threats under a) humour (surgeon) and b) authoritarianism.
“I hope you die!"

....and well I might.

Best,
tectak

Thanks for your comments. I realise you still might not understand this poem and perhaps it needs clarifying a little, so I will have a look. It's not the best thing I've written.
But just because something is hard to understand doesn't make it nonsense. I like the idea of people trying to work out which verb goes with which subject and trying to follow complex ideas written in simple language. The poem is a sort of puzzle and it does make sense. I know because I have checked! Robert Frost does similar things a deal as well (not that I would compare myself to him, but he's definitely an inspiration.) Apart from errors, other things that crop up regularly are stylistic elements.

Wystan

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this post has been removed

Thanks. See my response to tectak.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

For cyclists on our roads, the threat of death is all-too real:

people make it all the time.

I feel like "trip" is needed in here somewhere to add substance. People make what? a "trip"

Like how we ask for it without a helmet and
when the clown says how the surgeons call us “donors.”

I get what your saying in a whole, but, the endind seems to lose translation. I really dont get the clown reference unless a reference to the cops?

One 3am, this cop pursued me through three reds
on empty City streets I know like lanes:

I see "Once, at three a.m." as a better choice of wording. I also see the second qouted line going before and the first following it.

He said, this late, a drunk would run me down
if I got by with just my eyes and ears.

I believe there needs to be more here than just "if i get by with just my eyes and ears"

Another one, last midnight, shouted: “halt!”
as I tried nosing round a long, stopped truck
of steel bound for Molloch’s next erection.

I dont believe the imagery here with the truck and mollochs erection is really clear.

“A bit of common sense” he said
“...or you'll go under it.”
“Like that?” I snapped, “comply or die?”

I get mixed up with who is sating what, does the cop say comply or die?

Freud said, “Every fear contains a wish.”
And so the cabbie raging at my U-turn tighter
than his cab’s must win some prize for
being actualised:

I didnt get the ending. what is "tighten than"? referring to and then I reread it and realise what your talking about but it is confusing in the wording.

“I hope you die!"
[/quote]

[wystan1000]

I think you are bang on in this. Basically the poem is hard enough to understand to not really take much extra vagueness and confusion (the Moloch truck, the problems with the ending) The only thing I would defend is the beginning.

"People make it all the time" people make the threat all the time. It's real.

thanks so much. A lot to work with.

Michael

[R.C. KITCHENS]

I think you are bang on in this. Basically the poem is hard enough to understand to not really take much extra vagueness and confusion (the Moloch truck, the problems with the ending) The only thing I would defend is the beginning.

"People make it all the time" people make the threat all the time. It's real.

thanks so much. A lot to work with.

Michael

Yeah Man, I got what you were saying it just took a good read to get certain parts of it in its entirety. It seems like it'd be better spoken versus being read. Some work and it will be better.

[wystan1000]

I think you are bang on in this. Basically the poem is hard enough to understand to not really take much extra vagueness and confusion (the Moloch truck, the problems with the ending) The only thing I would defend is the beginning.

"People make it all the time" people make the threat all the time. It's real.

thanks so much. A lot to work with.

Michael

Yeah Man, I got what you were saying it just took a good read to get certain parts of it in its entirety. It seems like it'd be better spoken versus being read. Some work and it will be better.

Thanks - I'm told that not all poetry is immediately understandable on first read through (!) But that's no reason not to clarify the bits that are overcomplicated.

Michael

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New edit. Thanks everyone. This is hardly the most profound poem in the world. All the more reason for it to be easier to understand.