Shitty Villanelle

[Brownlie]

This thing has got some problems but I worked pretty damn hard at it if anyone can help me salvage it or give me some pointers on how to improve my writing I would be grateful. I post it in this section, because most people don't even know what a villanelle is. I think the refrain may be the problem here.

A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel
It rouses hunting dogs that growl at Harts
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

Above the mantle antlers hang as ghouls
The heads of bucks that hounds have torn apart
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel

The sound of Martial trumpets signals drool
From trained beasts with shining purple hearts
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

He barks at heaven hunting life. A fool
Whose unquenched hunger gnaws him apart.
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel

Actaeon turned stag when by the pool
Where naked beauty seen was not a tart
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

We men do covet Jewels, shining hearts
That glint a light that smarts the hunting fool
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

[milo]

we do actually have a practice thread for villanelles. First things first - your 2 refrains. The first has an inversion, the second a grammar error and neither has the meter right. Fix those first, then move on. (Also, get rid of shrilly)

[Brownlie]

we do actually have a practice thread for villanelles. First things first - your 2 refrains. The first has an inversion, the second a grammar error and neither has the meter right. Fix those first, then move on. (Also, get rid of shrilly)

Ay, thank you. Get rid of shrilly rofl.

[billy]

3. A Villanelle has a fixed meter. Today iambic pentameter is the most popular but there was a time iambic tetrameter was.

pick a meter and stay with it.

one of the big problems for me is that you use no punctuation yet cap every line making me use a longer pause than i need to on certain lines.
it's not a bad effort but i think milo is correct when he advises you to try these things out in poetry practice first. get the meter as right as you can and then post them in here. what pisses me off a little is that you yourself call it shitty. unless it's about shit why should people bother giving it feedback if the poet thinks it that bad?

anyway, the shitty part aside, it isn't that bad. i do like the two main refrains, if you didn't use caps on every line you could play with the refrains a bit. ie;

The heads of bucks that hounds have torn apart,
a bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel.

the next use of the refrain could be

Whose unquenched hunger gnaws him apart.
A bugle plays, a hunter’s tune that’s cruel.

thanks for the read

This thing has got some problems but I worked pretty damn hard at it if anyone can help me salvage it or give me some pointers on how to improve my writing I would be grateful. I post it in this section, because most people don't even know what a villanelle is. I think the refrain may be the problem here.

A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel
It rouses hunting dogs that growl at Harts
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

Above the mantle antlers hang as ghouls
The heads of bucks that hounds have torn apart
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel

The sound of Martial trumpets signals the drool meter problem, a suggestion would be [cause] instead of [signals]
From trained beasts that earn purple hearts meter problem, missing a foot
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

He barks at heaven cursing limits. A fool meter problems a suggestion would be to lose[limits] and relace it with [what] use the correct puntuation if taking suggestion to hart oops heart.
Whose unquenched hunger gnaws him apart. meter problem, end rhyme problem, (it's already been used and is not a refrain ) no suggestion except rewrite the line
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel

Actaeon turned stag when by the pool meter problem, missing half a foot.
Where naked beauty proved not a tart meter problem and it reads awkwardly rewrite the end part of line adding half a foot
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

We men do covet Jewels, shining hearts meter problem (missing half a foot) why the use of archaic language [do covet]
That glint a light that smarts the hunting fool
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

[Brownlie]

3. A Villanelle has a fixed meter. Today iambic pentameter is the most popular but there was a time iambic tetrameter was.

pick a meter and stay with it.

one of the big problems for me is that you use no punctuation yet cap every line making me use a longer pause than i need to on certain lines.
it's not a bad effort but i think milo is correct when he advises you to try these things out in poetry practice first. get the meter as right as you can and then post them in here. what pisses me off a little is that you yourself call it shitty. unless it's about shit why should people bother giving it feedback if the poet thinks it that bad?

anyway, the shitty part aside, it isn't that bad. i do like the two main refrains, if you didn't use caps on every line you could play with the refrains a bit. ie;

The heads of bucks that hounds have torn apart,
a bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel.

the next use of the refrain could be

Whose unquenched hunger gnaws him apart.
A bugle plays, a hunter’s tune that’s cruel.

thanks for the read

This thing has got some problems but I worked pretty damn hard at it if anyone can help me salvage it or give me some pointers on how to improve my writing I would be grateful. I post it in this section, because most people don't even know what a villanelle is. I think the refrain may be the problem here.

A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel
It rouses hunting dogs that growl at Harts
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

Above the mantle antlers hang as ghouls
The heads of bucks that hounds have torn apart
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel

The sound of Martial trumpets signals the drool meter problem, a suggestion would be [cause] instead of [signals]
From trained beasts that earn purple hearts meter problem, missing a foot
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

He barks at heaven cursing limits. A fool meter problems a suggestion would be to lose[limits] and relace it with [what] use the correct puntuation if taking suggestion to hart oops heart.
Whose unquenched hunger gnaws him apart. meter problem, end rhyme problem, (it's already been used and is not a refrain ) no suggestion except rewrite the line
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel

Actaeon turned stag when by the pool meter problem, missing half a foot.
Where naked beauty proved not a tart meter problem and it reads awkwardly rewrite the end part of line adding half a foot
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

We men do covet Jewels, shining hearts meter problem (missing half a foot) why the use of archaic language [do covet]
That glint a light that smarts the hunting fool
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

Damn Billy Thanks A lot I'll try not to abuse this section of the forum in the future.

[tectak]

This thing has got some problems but I worked pretty damn hard at it if anyone can help me salvage it or give me some pointers on how to improve my writing I would be grateful. I post it in this section, because most people don't even know what a villanelle is. I think the refrain may be the problem here.

A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel
It rouses hunting dogs that growl at Harts harts, or it's Tortoises always. I'm watching. tectak
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

Above the mantle antlers hang as ghouls
The heads of bucks that hounds have torn apart
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel

The sound of Martial trumpets signals drool
From trained beasts with shining purple hearts
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

He barks at heaven cursing limits. A fool
Whose unquenched hunger gnaws him apart.
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel

Actaeon turned stag when by the pool
Where naked beauty seen was not a tart
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

We men do covet Jewels, shining hearts
That glint a light that smarts the hunting fool
A bugle plays a hunter’s tune that’s cruel
In conquest men attempt to hunt and rule

[Vistaldust]

Brownie, you just gave me an education on what a villanelle is. I looked up the definition, then pieced it to your poem. It seems like a pretty tough gig to nail down. Kudos for effort! I like the idea of the bugle signifying man's need to kill, destroy, rule. In fact, is there any room for a line that links the bugle sound directly to a military event as well? That might enhance the use of the bugle as a simple sounding instrument that we use to annoint so much devastation.

[Brownlie]

Brownie, you just gave me an education on what a villanelle is. I looked up the definition, then pieced it to your poem. It seems like a pretty tough gig to nail down. Kudos for effort! I like the idea of the bugle signifying man's need to kill, destroy, rule. In fact, is there any room for a line that links the bugle sound directly to a military event as well? That might enhance the use of the bugle as a simple sounding instrument that we use to annoint so much devastation.

Thanks for the read and suggestions. I suggest looking at
The Villanelle "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" It can be found here. http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5796

[milo]

Brownie, you just gave me an education on what a villanelle is. I looked up the definition, then pieced it to your poem. It seems like a pretty tough gig to nail down. Kudos for effort! I like the idea of the bugle signifying man's need to kill, destroy, rule. In fact, is there any room for a line that links the bugle sound directly to a military event as well? That might enhance the use of the bugle as a simple sounding instrument that we use to annoint so much devastation.

Thanks for the read and suggestions. I suggest looking at
The Villanelle "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" It can be found here. http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5796

You can also find a villanelle practice thread along with definitions and examples here:

http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=10115

[Heartafire]

No, this is not shitty! Though it is not "go gentle" either. I like this very much, I am not confident enough to say how close you have come in your effort to compose a villanelle. I may have written a villanelle without knowing it...;-) I must research. Kudos on your fine poem.
My best,
Heart

[Vistaldust]

Brownie, you just gave me an education on what a villanelle is. I looked up the definition, then pieced it to your poem. It seems like a pretty tough gig to nail down. Kudos for effort! I like the idea of the bugle signifying man's need to kill, destroy, rule. In fact, is there any room for a line that links the bugle sound directly to a military event as well? That might enhance the use of the bugle as a simple sounding instrument that we use to annoint so much devastation.

Thanks for the read and suggestions. I suggest looking at
The Villanelle "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" It can be found here. http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5796

Dylan Thomas. I'm a fan of talented alcoholics!!! Thanks.

[Brownlie]

Thank you of your encouragement heart.

As for Thomas being an alcoholic, that certainly makes his personal life more compelling.