Opening Up to What Once Was a Scary World

[fim]

At His Core

The little boy sat in his 3rd grade Art class
Hand-drawing circles on the paper on his desk
The challenge was to create an impression of layers
And an illusion of maximum depth

It was like stacking slices of Swiss cheese
Manipulating their hole alignment
So from a bird’s eye view you could see each layer
The top slice and through its holes the slices behind it

That circle-within-a-circle art project eventually
Became a metaphor that helped me better understand my life
It was an abstract analogy that provided insight
Into the mechanism I used to deal with strife

People who knew me when I was younger are puzzled
“Your pain wasn’t evident.”
They are right of course, it wasn’t shared
It was very effectively masked

You see, my inner core is well camouflaged
By “layers” that successively reduce
The amount of “me” that the world gets to see
Limiting exposure to rejection and abuse

The “layers” provide most excellent protection
Much like a safe room designed to prevent
Any threat from penetrating its barrier
Expression and freedom the cost of the rent

Layers can be distractions
Masquerading interests or activities
The concealment of associations and relationships
The sleight of hand of college degrees

The dissimulation of impressive designations
The dupery of accolades … or notoriety
Misleading distinctions and acknowledgements
Have for years masked the core of me

________________________________________

Older and wiser … and now disillusioned
At how little of “me” I am able to share
The “layers” protected me from a scary, harsh world
But now the cost seems a trifle unfair

You see … at my core (beneath the many layers)
That shaped the world’s view of who I am
Was a loathsome fear that I know would have changed
How the world viewed me as a man

At the first unfettered sight of my inner being
An unrestricted view of my unmasked core
I know any observer would instantly recognize
My fear of fear … and nothing more

Except maybe they might catch the subtle hues
Of an adaptation that over the years has restored
A semblance of personal dignity … the melding of compassion
With my fear of fear … and nothing more

Except a more discerning eye might also detect
(Though visually elusive and easy to ignore)
An almost transparent coating of unconditional love
Now covering my fear of fear … and nothing more

Except an even less evident aspect of my being
A “cancer” that has infiltrated the fear of fear’s core
A malignant infestation of forgiveness
That … and nothing more

Except for a relatively recent development
One might sense more-so than see
A glow emanating from my innermost essence
The radiance of acceptance … of the world … and me
______________________________________

I don’t know if a lifetime of accumulated misdirection
Can ever diminish … or dissipate
Or if is my lifelong destiny
To remain disguised beneath so many layers

I just know now that my genuine essence has transformed
I am no longer afraid to be afraid
And a more accepting and joyful me wishes to engage
A world I once only sought to evade

[serge gurkski]

Hello FIM,

Yes! ;-) Totally get the message.
Stylewise I have no nits.
Only one thing:

conveyed to you by me who loves Swiss cheese
and in defense of Gruyere:
Not every Swiss cheese is from Emmental. ;-)

I find this a witty poem and enjoyed the read.

cheers
serge

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hi fim. I'll say that the topic of, if I can paraphrase, “layers as defense mechanisms”, is over used (think of Shrek if you've seen it: onions have layers, ogres have layers) but not pointless if you can pull it off. Right now I'm reading “Women in Love” by D. H. Lawrence (true story), and I feel that half the characters would agree that they put up layers to present a picture of themselves (certainly Hermione, but not Ursula... but I digress, and am only 100 pages in). Anyway, some comments on part one.

The little boy sat in his 3rd grade Art class art lower case
Hand-drawing circles on the paper on his desk hand-drawing bit unnecessary: I'd venture to say that ALL drawing is by hand (or at any rate, all drawing done in 3rd grade...feet drawing?). Also, two on's don't make a right (sorry, I'm feeling a bit sarcastic at the moment).
The challenge was to create an impression of layers
And an illusion of maximum depth These two could be phrased differently? Less words, more sexy.

It was like stacking slices of Swiss cheese
Manipulating their hole alignment this line does more to bog me down than to add anything; first I thought you mis-spelled whole, then “hole alignment”, while not a common phrase, sounds a bit awkward. Maybe just me; at any rate, you use hole again two lines down; nix one of 'em.
So from a bird’s eye view you could see each layer bird's eye view a cliché
The top slice and through its holes the slices behind it
This stanza isn't that interesting; you're just describing what you've basically already stated.

That circle-within-a-circle art project eventually
Became a metaphor that helped me better understand my life
It was an abstract analogy that provided insight
Into the mechanism I used to deal with strife
I wouldn't state this stanza outright. The reader can put together that drawing layers can be a metaphor for people stuff without it explained to them.

People who knew me when I was younger are puzzled
“Your pain wasn’t evident.”
They are right of course, it wasn’t shared
It was very effectively masked
The last line's ok, but again, you don't need to state this stuff. Tell a story, and have faith in your readers to understand what you mean.

You see, my inner core is well camouflaged camouflaged in this context also sounds cliché.
By “layers” that successively reduce
The amount of “me” that the world gets to see
Limiting exposure to rejection and abuse

The “layers” provide most excellent protection
Much like a safe room designed to prevent
Any threat from penetrating its barrier
Expression and freedom the cost of the rent

Layers can be distractions
Masquerading interests or activities
The concealment of associations and relationships
The sleight of hand of college degrees

The dissimulation of impressive designations
The dupery of accolades … or notoriety
Misleading distinctions and acknowledgements
Have for years masked the core of me
So lastly I'll say that it would help if you were a bit more concrete, or at least tell a story (not just go on about how you feel) that eludes to an angst felt by, say, a narrator. For example, you later say "except for a relatively recent development"... what development? I certainly can't know. Ok, I'll stop talking. Good luck!

p&p

[fim]

Hi fim. I'll say that the topic of, if I can paraphrase, “layers as defense mechanisms”, is over used (think of Shrek if you've seen it: onions have layers, ogres have layers) but not pointless if you can pull it off. Right now I'm reading “Women in Love” by D. H. Lawrence (true story), and I feel that half the characters would agree that they put up layers to present a picture of themselves (certainly Hermione, but not Ursula... but I digress, and am only 100 pages in). Anyway, some comments on part one.

The little boy sat in his 3rd grade Art class art lower case
Hand-drawing circles on the paper on his desk hand-drawing bit unnecessary: I'd venture to say that ALL drawing is by hand (or at any rate, all drawing done in 3rd grade...feet drawing?). Also, two on's don't make a right (sorry, I'm feeling a bit sarcastic at the moment).
The challenge was to create an impression of layers
And an illusion of maximum depth These two could be phrased differently? Less words, more sexy.

It was like stacking slices of Swiss cheese
Manipulating their hole alignment this line does more to bog me down than to add anything; first I thought you mis-spelled whole, then “hole alignment”, while not a common phrase, sounds a bit awkward. Maybe just me; at any rate, you use hole again two lines down; nix one of 'em.
So from a bird’s eye view you could see each layer bird's eye view a cliché
The top slice and through its holes the slices behind it
This stanza isn't that interesting; you're just describing what you've basically already stated.

That circle-within-a-circle art project eventually
Became a metaphor that helped me better understand my life
It was an abstract analogy that provided insight
Into the mechanism I used to deal with strife
I wouldn't state this stanza outright. The reader can put together that drawing layers can be a metaphor for people stuff without it explained to them.

People who knew me when I was younger are puzzled
“Your pain wasn’t evident.”
They are right of course, it wasn’t shared
It was very effectively masked
The last line's ok, but again, you don't need to state this stuff. Tell a story, and have faith in your readers to understand what you mean.

You see, my inner core is well camouflaged camouflaged in this context also sounds cliché.
By “layers” that successively reduce
The amount of “me” that the world gets to see
Limiting exposure to rejection and abuse

The “layers” provide most excellent protection
Much like a safe room designed to prevent
Any threat from penetrating its barrier
Expression and freedom the cost of the rent

Layers can be distractions
Masquerading interests or activities
The concealment of associations and relationships
The sleight of hand of college degrees

The dissimulation of impressive designations
The dupery of accolades … or notoriety
Misleading distinctions and acknowledgements
Have for years masked the core of me
So lastly I'll say that it would help if you were a bit more concrete, or at least tell a story (not just go on about how you feel) that eludes to an angst felt by, say, a narrator. For example, you later say "except for a relatively recent development"... what development? I certainly can't know. Ok, I'll stop talking. Good luck!

p&p

p&p,
thank you much. Edit 1 will be forthcoming. General take-aways: strive for economy of words, trust the reader more - don't explain so much, clichés should be used sparingly (if at all). Two of you critique items puzzle me. Don't understand about suggest to make more concrete or tell story ... the poem is a story about a personal transformation. Not saying you are wrong, just saying I don't understand that item yet. Don't understand final comment and question, "'except for a relatively recent development'.. what development?" the development is described in the remainder of the stanza - "A glow emanating ... "
Want to close with "thank you" again ... but that would be redundant!
Really valuable critique.
fim