I want to be a poet

[bonevil]

I want to be a poet
I want to be read by millions
and understood by few
I want the voice of my ancestors to strengthen the hue
and without a clue
or a penny in my pocket
or a picture in my locket
or a drip from my faucet
I want to be a poet

I want to paint the town blue
drown it in water to wash away the blood
for all the men in the mud that have been chewed to cud
its time for a new flower to bud
and i say to my brothers and sisters that
I want to be a poet

I want you to hold my hand
and stand for this fight and bathe in this light
and with our wings in flight and with no plight
or polite terminology or reverse physiology or physical biology
I want to follow this pathology
and understand my thoughts properly because
I want to be a poet

I want to make a statement about racism
is it a crime to be black?
no, it's a crime to look back
and blame a man i never knew for the things that happened to you
to say the white man kept you down
when i held my hand firmly to the ground
because racism is like the skewed perception
of a ticking bomb in the palm of an island
surrounded by hate that simply negates
situational awareness and scares us in to thinking we're the enemy
but envy you i do because if i were to blame you
that would make a racist; but I
want to be a poet

I want every girl and boy to know
that the cost of freedom is the power of reading
and greeting every human as your brother
and loving him like no other
because tomorrow he might be gone
and in the heart of this song and all that is wrong
has been created and debated but always evaded the real issue
that we misuse and deduce that this fuse of our economy is everlasting
but we should be fasting so that our next generation
isnt left unmasking that nightmare right there
to determine that this is one life and one knife never sharpened
and a dull blade makes for a poor slave
to the mind numbing number crunching realities of today because
I want to be a poet

I want you to read this in awe
and when i stand ten feet tall
and look back on this moment
know that i as a showman
took the right number of bows
because without applause
it's like purpose without a cause
a cut without gauze
a cat without claws
a poet without a pen
a thought without an ounce of zen
or a sentence without a period to end
because
I am a poet

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hi bonevile

I want to be a poet

Me too! It's a welcome break from my physics, to say the least. Anyway... I mostly want to comment on S4, but I'd generally advise (for what it's worth) to get rid of everything after S3, though I found “or a sentence without a period” funny, given the lack of punctuation (I assume this humor was intentional?). I'll leave the language alone, except to obviously point out that you're not very consistent with your “I”s. Generally, you should watch for clichés. Here's what I see in the first 3 stanzas: read by millions, without a clue, penny in my pocket, paint the town, in the mud, I want you to hold my hand (though I appreciate the inadvertent Beatles reference), and wings in flight. Also, watch for forced rhymes: how do the voices of ancestors strengthen the hue? They don't: hue just rhymes with clue. Ok, now a rant on S4.

Why, in the middle of a poem about poetry, am I suddenly thrust into a discourse (if it can be called that) on American race relations? Nothing wrong with a poem about race, but the way it's introduced makes me think you've only done so to get a shock out of the readers (mission accomplished, I suppose). As to the substance... there isn't any!, just some talking points that have been bandied about over the last, what, 20, 30, 50 years? This isn't a criticism of you, the poet, but of the poem, which suffers from a case of cliché overload. Alright, think I'll stop it there. Anyway, hope it's helpful...

p&p

[bonevil]

It is helpful. But you have to realize the style of my writing is not meant to be so structured and configured to be what a standard poem would look like. I do write to rhyme and my flow is more rapesk. I literally write the first thing that pops in my head and I keep it. Normally the capitalization is corrected. The Beatles reference you found was never one. You give me too much credit. Haha. You have to think more abstractly and less structured with my writing. The point of the racism was not to shock, it's point was to inform. Each stanza is a new thought. A new story. I generally perform this aloud and when heard the flow and delivery add a lot that you couldn't know just reading it yourself. Also, i will never and have never used punctuation. I never liked how overbearingly structured that made writing. I appreciate the feedback and I will work on some things.

[milo]

It is helpful. But you have to realize the style of my writing is not meant to be so structured and configured to be what a standard poem would look like. I do write to rhyme and my flow is more rapesk. I literally write the first thing that pops in my head and I keep it. Normally the capitalization is corrected. The Beatles reference you found was never one. You give me too much credit. Haha. You have to think more abstractly and less structured with my writing. The point of the racism was not to shock, it's point was to inform. Each stanza is a new thought. A new story. I generally perform this aloud and when heard the flow and delivery add a lot that you couldn't know just reading it yourself. Also, i will never and have never used punctuation. I never liked how overbearingly structured that made writing. I appreciate the feedback and I will work on some things.

They don't have to realise it at all, you have to realise that your writing needs to stand on its own. If it needs you to guard it or explain it away, it probably needs a lot of work. In this case it could use some serious study time by its author on what does and doesn't work in poetry. You need to separate yourself from your writing and learn to take critique properly if you want to improve. The serious critique section is for work shopping, not showcasing

[wystan1000]

Yes, we poets scribble and scribble and carve and whistle through our teeth and read it out and scribble some more. No one says it's sanity. But if you do want to be a poet rather than a preacher, then that's what you'll have to do. Good luck with whatever you choose. You've got something.

Takooba

[R.C. KITCHENS]

I want to be a poet
I want to be read by millions
and understood by few
cliche
I want the voice of my ancestors to strengthen the hue
and without a clue
or a penny in my pocket
or a picture in my locket
or a drip from my faucet
I want to be a poet

I want to paint the town bluepaint the town is cliche
drown it in water to wash away the blood
for all the men in the mud that have been chewed to cud
its time for a new flower to bud
and i say to my brothers and sisters that
I want to be a poet

I feel like all of this is to simple for the sake of saving the rhyme scheme.

I want you to hold my handcliche
and stand for this fight and bathe in this light
and with our wings in flight and with no plightto many "ands"
or polite terminology or reverse physiology or physical biology
I want to follow this pathology
and understand my thoughts properly because
I want to be a poet

I want to make a statement about racism
is it a crime to be black?
no, it's a crime to look back
and blame a man i never knew for the things that happened to you
to say the white man kept you down
when i held my hand firmly to the ground
because racism is like the skewed perception
of a ticking bomb in the palm of an island
surrounded by hate that simply negates
situational awareness and scares us in to thinking we're the enemy
but envy you i do because if i were to blame you
that would make a racist; but I
want to be a poet

I dont know what happened it got strange going from wanting to be a poet with aspiration to wanting to make a statement about racism where it completely changes tune of the poem.

I want every girl and boy to know
that the cost of freedom is the power of reading
and greeting every human as your brother
and loving him like no other
because tomorrow he might be gone
and in the heart of this song and all that is wrong
has been created and debated but always evaded the real issue
that we misuse and deduce that this fuse of our economy is everlasting
but we should be fasting so that our next generation
isnt left unmasking that nightmare right there
to determine that this is one life and one knife never sharpened
and a dull blade makes for a poor slave
to the mind numbing number crunching realities of today because
I want to be a poet
I got a bit lost in the part above
I want you to read this in awe
and when i stand ten feet tallcliche
and look back on this moment
know that i as a showman
took the right number of bows
because without applause
it's like purpose without a cause
a cut without gauze
a cat without claws
a poet without a pen
a thought without an ounce of zen
or a sentence without a period to end
because
I am a poet

All in All, I think if you open up with some solid images or keep a train of thought that you might have a good poem. You just got to take this work youve started and build on it. It is full of cliches and a rhyming scheme that isnt consistent enough for it to maintain rhythm. I think if you work on it a bit it could read better and probably flow more consistently.

[Todd]

Hi bonevil, welcome to the site!

Let's get this workshopping thing out of the way first. If you post in a critique forum you need to critique first in that particular forum. I'm going to move the post to a forum that doesn't have that rule.

You're writing a poem about wanting to be a poet. For that to work you've got to seriously nail this. I think the inconsistent structure you seem to disdain, and the forced rhyme for the sake of rhyme is stopping you from accomplishing that. Here are some notes below:

I want to be a poet
I want to be read by millions--This is just a flat statement, not very interesting
and understood by few--Just a point of content, then you won't be read by millions
I want the voice of my ancestors to strengthen the hue--strengthen the hue only appears to be there for the rhyme. It feels forced
and without a clue
or a penny in my pocket
or a picture in my locket
or a drip from my faucet--These three lines are interesting, and you they tend to work better than the repetions of "I want" If you're going to keep the I want to be a poet refrain try to minimize the other I wants the poem. L2 for instance could be shortened "to be read by millions".
I want to be a poet

I want to paint the town blue--You switch up the color but the phrasing is still predictable
drown it in water to wash away the blood
for all the men in the mud that have been chewed to cud--Again forced rhyme for the sake of rhyme, not content.
its time for a new flower to bud
and i say to my brothers and sisters that--That is a weak word to break a line on. It would be better to cut it and break on sisters perhaps. It isn't really needed
I want to be a poet

I want you to hold my hand
and stand for this fight and bathe in this light
and with our wings in flight and with no plight
or polite terminology or reverse physiology or physical biology
I want to follow this pathology--This wasn't a bad sequence. I still think you need to cut and rephrase the other I wants
and understand my thoughts properly because--this sort of works in oppostion to the not having a clue line
I want to be a poet

I want to make a statement about racism--Flat, boring line. Look what Strange Fruit did with its imagery. That's how to make a statement. Telling us you want to make a statement is a bad, bad lead in
is it a crime to be black?
no, it's a crime to look back
and blame a man i never knew for the things that happened to you--Maybe break the line after knew. The things..vague...specific detail would be much better
to say the white man kept you down--Again vague no detail. When you write this way it steals the confidence from the reader that you have anything to say on the issue
when i held my hand firmly to the ground--Didn't get this. It felt like it was there mostly for the rhyme not the content
because racism is like the skewed perception--The skewed perception part doesn't word. If you say racism is a skewed perception and than build with imagery maybe. When you try to make it a simile in this way it feels weak. You should probably consider just going to "racism is a ticking bomb..."
of a ticking bomb in the palm of an island--palm of an island...no idea?
surrounded by hate that simply negates--Again more imagery less statement. You can't make an emotional investment in statement
situational awareness and scares us in to thinking we're the enemy--A little wordy but not a bad direction to explore. It is a bit of a mixed metaphor with your earlier bomb. You probably need to consider committing to a path here
but envy you i do because if i were to blame you--lower case i's are odd here
that would make a racist; but I--did you want to include "me" after make. Also, breaking the line on but is not strong. Racist is the better break. You also may want to do a hard return after racist and put a blank line between the poet line to add punch and possibly irony to the line
want to be a poet

I want every girl and boy to know
that the cost of freedom is the power of reading
and greeting every human as your brother
and loving him like no other
because tomorrow he might be gone
and in the heart of this song and all that is wrong
has been created and debated but always evaded the real issue--evaded is there for the rhyme but should be evading as you have it. So, it comes off forced
that we misuse and deduce that this fuse of our economy is everlasting--Misuse feels off here. The fuse of our economy is a good image. Here's the thing you may want to take the bomb earlier and tie it in with the fuse imagery here, and spread more of that throughout. It makes me think you may want to end the poem with an explosion of some sort
but we should be fasting so that our next generation
isnt left unmasking that nightmare right there--Agian the internal rhyme feels forced
to determine that this is one life and one knife never sharpened
and a dull blade makes for a poor slave--Too wordy
to the mind numbing number crunching realities of today because--again less statement more image
I want to be a poet

I want you to read this in awe--Then you have to deliver more, more surprise, more imagery
and when i stand ten feet tall
and look back on this moment
know that i as a showman
took the right number of bows
because without applause
it's like purpose without a cause
a cut without gauze
a cat without claws
a poet without a pen
a thought without an ounce of zen
or a sentence without a period to end
because
I am a poet

I hope some of that is helpful.

Best,

Todd