Lines of Communication

[tectak]

We should be able to talk this one out, you and I.
In this space and time we move together;
but things in common? Well, we have nothing.
Will that do? I could talk to you about that.
I like the way you smile when you read,
I can’t help it. I could watch you until
you look up. Look at me. I’m not looking at you.
I’m looking at the window.

We should be able to say hello without suggesting more...
than one word should reasonably mean. I’ll start.
No. You start. It’s better if this process begins in your head.
Crazy people talk to strangers and I am not crazy;
but if you say hello, well, I think you should know
that I won’t think less of you.
I can see you in the window but now and then I lose you
to a tree or a black stone wall.

We can’t go on like this. We really must talk. I need you...
to tell me why you smile whenever you read your book;
but I shouldn’t ask. Hey, you did it again. I can see the corners
of your mouth out of the corner of my eye. You are not reading.
Hello is coming…I almost said it. A bridge just passed by.
Bridge and moment link and both are down the line.
Well, that’s just fine. Say nothing. We’ll just sit here.
“Hello”. “Oh, hello, I was just thinking….”


Tectak
June 2013

[wystan1000]

Yes, I like this a lot. A few things to be absolutely sure about... there is a feeling that you watch him or her read her book a lot, that this has happened more than once. Is this intended?
You have nothing in common - this seems very definite. Do you mean you don't know if you do have anything in common?
The last line ... I'm not sure whether this is really happening or not. Either way. I don't think it really adds anything. Also "well, that's just fine" - is this ironic? I'm guessing. It could take a exclamation mark. If not, it's not fine ... perhaps I am suggesting there could be more of an emotional direction, of discovery ... you notice him / her and gradually the silence / attraction fills the room (for you) until it's all you can think about (although you are projecting this onto him / her who is reading book) and then what ...? Does this make sense? Other than that I like the meter and flow and all.

[tectak]

Yes, I like this a lot. A few things to be absolutely sure about... there is a feeling that you watch him or her read her book a lot, that this has happened more than once. Is this intended?
You have nothing in common - this seems very definite. Do you mean you don't know if you do have anything in common?
The last line ... I'm not sure whether this is really happening or not. Either way. I don't think it really adds anything. Also "well, that's just fine" - is this ironic? I'm guessing. It could take a exclamation mark. If not, it's not fine ... perhaps I am suggesting there could be more of an emotional direction, of discovery ... you notice him / her and gradually the silence / attraction fills the room (for you) until it's all you can think about (although you are projecting this onto him / her who is reading book) and then what ...? Does this make sense? Other than that I like the meter and flow and all.

Thanks for this wystan,
I never try to fathom other people's poems but say if I think it is rubbish... I guess that's me in a minority. To let les autres concentrate on the grammar, syntax etc I should say that this is an asexual couple in a train carriaige (that dates me!) who have never met. Complete strangers. Pick your sex.
Best,
tectak
PS I added ellipses end of L1, S3. I felt you made a point for me.

---

Yes, I like this a lot. A few things to be absolutely sure about... there is a feeling that you watch him or her read her book a lot, that this has happened more than once. Is this intended? Yes. It seems to me to be quintessential to emphasise the poverty of the relationship. See end
You have nothing in common - this seems very definite. Do you mean you don't know if you do have anything in common? Again...up for grabs. Nothing in common EXCEPT they have nothing in common. I thought about this as an opening gambit once...and tried it. I have been married to her now for 32 years!
The last line ... I'm not sure whether this is really happening or not. Either way. I don't think it really adds anything. Also "well, that's just fine" - is this ironic? I'm guessing. It could take a exclamation mark. If not, it's not fine ... perhaps I am suggesting there could be more of an emotional direction, of discovery ... you notice him / her and gradually the silence / attraction fills the room (for you) until it's all you can think about (although you are projecting this onto him / her who is reading book) and then what ...? Does this make sense? Other than that I like the meter and flow and all. lines of Communication was a clue...it failed

[Brownlie]

We should be able to talk this one out, you and I. -We do not know anything about the narrator or the "you."
In this space and time we move together; - So this is in a train why not mention some details about the train.
but things in common? Well, we have nothing. - What are things in common that you could be sharing?
Will that do? I could talk to you about that.
I like the way you smile when you read, - I think you can say this more creatively I know you have the potential lexicon.
I can’t help it. I could watch you until
you look up. Look at me. I’m not looking at you.
I’m looking at the window. - What do you see out the window are there objects you're seeing that could explain the narrator's mental state.

We should be able to say hello without suggesting more
than one word should reasonably mean. I’ll start.
No. You start. It’s better if this process begins in your head.
Crazy people talk to strangers and I am not crazy;
but if you say hello, well, I think you should know
that I won’t think less of you.
I can see you in the window but now and then I lose you
to a tree or a black stone wall. - I lose you to a tree or a black stone wall-- that I like.

We can’t go on like this. We really must talk. I need you...
to tell me why you smile whenever you read your book;
but I shouldn’t ask. Hey, you did it again. I can see the corners
of your mouth out of the corner of my eye. You are not reading.
Hello is coming…I almost said it. A bridge just passed by.
Bridge and moment link and both are down the line.-A bridge just passed by, Bridge and moment link and both are down the line. -- this is one of the better parts of the poem.
Well, that’s just fine. Say nothing. We’ll just sit here.
“Hello”. “Oh, hello, I was just thinking….”


Tectak
June 2013

Hello Tectak,

This poem reminds me of the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot. Though I am not indicting the narrator here. It seems two people are sitting at a train and neither have the courage to start up a conversation. I'd like to see more details on the train, more creative language and less abstract language. I had some trouble critiquing this one. I wish I could give you some more.

[wystan1000]

Now I am totally confused ... ! Is this you writing about your wife, sitting in silence, thinking one of you should speak (I recognise this feeling!) or is it a complete stranger?

[Brownlie]

The ambiguity could be a strength or weakness of the poem depending on what the writer wants others to read.

[wystan1000]

I agree but I think (I believe) the writer must choose ... but yes, indeed. I think it would be stronger (personally) to identify the aspects of long relationships that are like one has just met ... I think it has more resonance for me, who understands this. Perhaps harking back to the time one first approached them, fearing a no. Just another emotional layer that the poet may or may not go with.

[tectak]

Now I am totally confused ... ! Is this you writing about your wife, sitting in silence, thinking one of you should speak (I recognise this feeling!) or is it a complete stranger?

Not about wife. It is a poem. I made it up.
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

We should be able to talk this one out, you and I. -We do not know anything about the narrator or the "you."
In this space and time we move together; - So this is in a train why not mention some details about the train. well, it's not about the train
but things in common? Well, we have nothing. - What are things in common that you could be sharing?see previous comment re things in common
Will that do? I could talk to you about that.
I like the way you smile when you read, - I think you can say this more creatively I know you have the potential lexicon.Sure. I try here to keep the thing at the narrator's level...which may not be the same as mine(or yours)
I can’t help it. I could watch you until
you look up. Look at me. I’m not looking at you.
I’m looking at the window. - What do you see out the window are there objects you're seeing that could explain the narrator's mental state. Not looking out...looking at..ahaaa!

We should be able to say hello without suggesting more
than one word should reasonably mean. I’ll start.
No. You start. It’s better if this process begins in your head.
Crazy people talk to strangers and I am not crazy;
but if you say hello, well, I think you should know
that I won’t think less of you.
I can see you in the window but now and then I lose you
to a tree or a black stone wall. - I lose you to a tree or a black stone wall-- that I like.

We can’t go on like this. We really must talk. I need you...
to tell me why you smile whenever you read your book;
but I shouldn’t ask. Hey, you did it again. I can see the corners
of your mouth out of the corner of my eye. You are not reading.
Hello is coming…I almost said it. A bridge just passed by.
Bridge and moment link and both are down the line.-A bridge just passed by, Bridge and moment link and both are down the line. -- this is one of the better parts of the poem.
Well, that’s just fine. Say nothing. We’ll just sit here.
“Hello”. “Oh, hello, I was just thinking….”


Tectak
June 2013

Hello Tectak,

This poem reminds me of the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot. Though I am not indicting the narrator here. It seems two people are sitting at a train and neither have the courage to start up a conversation. I'd like to see more details on the train, more creative language and less abstract language. I had some trouble critiquing this one. I wish I could give you some more.

Yes to Prufrockian. This is very much a cutie. Not heavyweight stuff and could even be banal...but isn't that apposite? Thanks brownlie. I note that you are very much in to concept and translational crit so appreciate your thinking time.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

I actually loved the line "I like the way you smile when you read" for a number of reasons.

1. It says a /ton/ without using a lot of words.
2. It is perfect ip
3. I bet I could turn it into a sonnet.

A lot of the rest felt too flakey and loose for my taste but there were a number of other bright spots as well so I bet if you used some spray starch and spent a couple hours at the ironing boards you could straighten it out.

[billy]

there feels to be some redundancies in the poem but i'm not sure if they need to be removed, the you and i in the first line make it more specifically a couple in a relationship as opposed to being merely friends.
the way the poem is set up makes the wordiness work much better than it should. while i got the feeling of strangers (the looking out the window when she looks up) it does feel like there's a relationship at play and after reading you comment i'm not sure that's what you intended.
it gave me a sense of being bored and in a long term silence that comes when you know everything about someone.

thanks for the read.

We should be able to talk this one out, you and I.
In this space and time we move together;
but things in common? Well, we have nothing.
Will that do? I could talk to you about that.
I like the way you smile when you read,
I can’t help it. I could watch you until
you look up. Look at me. I’m not looking at you.
I’m looking at the window. the first line of the stanza feels weak, i was wondering if this line would make a better starting point, above the able to talk line?

We should be able to say hello without suggesting more
than one word should reasonably mean. I’ll start. the the enjambment doesn't work well for me, a suggestion would be putting 'any' in from or 'more' [any more] or maybe another way.
No. You start. It’s better if this process begins in your head.
Crazy people talk to strangers and I am not crazy;
but if you say hello, well, I think you should know is but needed?
that I won’t think less of you.
I can see you in the window but now and then I lose you
to a tree or a black stone wall. i like these last two line because they place you in something that's moving, i like the images of the last line and how it could be city and countryside.

We can’t go on like this. We really must talk. I need you...
to tell me why you smile whenever you read your book;
but I shouldn’t ask. Hey, you did it again. I can see the corners
of your mouth out of the corner of my eye. You are not reading.
Hello is coming…I almost said it. A bridge just passed by. hello is coming; is it a place or an utterance? can it be said in a more defined way?, another reference that lets us know you're both travelling.
Bridge and moment link and both are down the line.
Well, that’s just fine. Say nothing. We’ll just sit here.
“Hello”. “Oh, hello, I was just thinking….”


Tectak
June 2013

[tectak]

there feels to be some redundancies in the poem but i'm not sure if they need to be removed, the you and i in the first line make it more specifically a couple in a relationship as opposed to being merely friends.
the way the poem is set up makes the wordiness work much better than it should. while i got the feeling of strangers (the looking out the window when she looks up) it does feel like there's a relationship at play and after reading you comment i'm not sure that's what you intended.
it gave me a sense of being bored and in a long term silence that comes when you know everything about someone.

thanks for the read.

We should be able to talk this one out, you and I.
In this space and time we move together;
but things in common? Well, we have nothing.
Will that do? I could talk to you about that.
I like the way you smile when you read,
I can’t help it. I could watch you until
you look up. Look at me. I’m not looking at you.
I’m looking at the window. the first line of the stanza feels weak, i was wondering if this line would make a better starting point, above the able to talk line?

We should be able to say hello without suggesting more...
than one word should reasonably mean. I’ll start. the the enjambment doesn't work well for me, a suggestion would be putting 'any' in from or 'more' [any more] or maybe another way.
No. You start. It’s better if this process begins in your head.
Crazy people talk to strangers and I am not crazy;
but if you say hello, well, I think you should know is but needed?
that I won’t think less of you.
I can see you in the window but now and then I lose you
to a tree or a black stone wall. i like these last two line because they place you in something that's moving, i like the images of the last line and how it could be city and countryside.

We can’t go on like this. We really must talk. I need you...
to tell me why you smile whenever you read your book;
but I shouldn’t ask. Hey, you did it again. I can see the corners
of your mouth out of the corner of my eye. You are not reading.
Hello is coming…I almost said it. A bridge just passed by. hello is coming; is it a place or an utterance? can it be said in a more defined way?, another reference that lets us know you're both travelling.
Bridge and moment link and both are down the line.
Well, that’s just fine. Say nothing. We’ll just sit here.
“Hello”. “Oh, hello, I was just thinking….”


Tectak
June 2013

Ahaaa! No where do I say looking out the window!
This is a cameo billy. Two people, total strangers. Sitting in a railway carriage. Probably male and female....but these days, who knows. This is the soliloquy of one.
Do we sit in silence for the journey or do we talk throughout? I know nothing about you, you know nothing about me....we have that in common. I am looking at you but I don't want you to know that. I watch your in the window reflection as objects pass by outside. Without any feedback, the relationship builds in the mind of the narrator. Questions, commonalities, even slight irritation, unreasonable behaviour, impotent dominating tendencies, self doubt etc

At least, that's my take.
I will take heed of your comments and modify.
Best,
tectak
PS I snuck in ellipses after the enjambment comment. Leanne snucks things in, too. I caught her at it last week with a semicolon. Hrmph!

[billy]

okay looking at the window and yeah i get what you're getting at tom, specially if you tell me what you're getting at

i got it without you telling me as well. what i'm saying is this, at present it's understandable if the reader doesn't see the two people as strangers, as from my reading it can swing either way.

[wystan1000]

Isn't it more interesting if the people have been married for ages but he feels like they have just met sometimes? Oh, did I already say this? ;-)

[serge gurkski]

I like it.

(I originally intended to leave it at that. Just to provoke Leanne a bit. ,-) I want her red lipstick all over m.. my text. Well, it won't do. The lipstick must wait. I must tell you why I like this somewhat copious angst-driven pseudo-dialogue

I like it because of: " A bridge just passed by."

(Could do without the rest. It is implied by the title and this half-line of S3 just quoted.)

cheers
serge