Impossible choice

[TheLittleGuy]

This is basicly the first song I've ever written, so be gentle and let me know if I should continue writing



I have reached a moment where I had to choose
Whatever I choose I will always lose
I was walking in the road to happiness
But all I've ever got was sadness

I had to choose between a horribly bad fight
And a stinky breath of the night
While I am waiting for my death
I shall never happily breathe
Again…

I've chosen to struggle in a fight
But I wasn't able to acquire delight
And all I now hope is for someone to hug me tight..

Sometimes I wish that someone will find me one day
So they can save me before I decay
So they can save me before I decay...

[TheLittleGuy]

This is basicly the first song I've ever written, so be gentle and let me know if I should continue writing

[font=Arial]

I have reached a moment where I had to choose Not too sure of the tenses here. Try removing the word 'have'
Whatever I choose I will always lose Personally, I always try to avoid repeating words especially if they are back to back like 'choose' is in these two lines.
I was walking in the road to happiness'down the road' sounds better to me.
But all I've ever got was sadnessI'd try making this last line sound more mature. Maybe 'but what I saw only filled me with sadness'

I had to choose between a horribly bad fightHorribly and bad are pretty much the same. I'd switch out horribly with something that has a little more imagery
And a stinky breath of the nightnot sure what you mean by this.
While I am waiting for my death
I shall never happily breatheheads up this doesn't rhyme
Again…

I've chosen to struggle in a fight
But I wasn't able to acquire delight
And all I now hope is for someone to hug me tight..this is a really convoluted sentence. try reading it out loud and you'll hear what i mean

Sometimes I wish that someone will find me one day
So they can save me before I decay
So they can save me before I decay...

I would be interested to hear the music for these lyrics. I think it's great for your first time, and you can only get better the more you write.

thanks for the comment
I might write another poem soon.
Any more comments, anyone?

[billy]

no, this thread will be reopened when you give feedback elsewhere.
please read the rules.