A Dark Mind

[Cyferz]

I seldom write when not depressed,
a hopeless muse but I digress.
When hopes once held fall to the ground
comes time my skill with words is found.

---
Mania today, darkness in a while
Alabaster days, dressing shoes in style
The grass is never green, the other side is brown
Sleep and wake for routines sake
Turn smiles into frowns

---

This chaos runs amok in droves
Choices you made, no longer chose
A river runs, and life streams by
To live a life, till death to die

A little boy, a little girl
Run up a hill, and to a stream
To fill their cups with the stuff of dreams
The chaos sifts through torrent streams
A mind of lies and broken dreams

So tumble now,
Unrestrained laughter
Down the hill, Jill tumbling after
Fret not today, tomorrow's next
Chaos and dreams
And hedged bets

---

Let's leave this world of miserable grey and
Enter a world of hopes and dreams
Where life is fun and every day
Breathes life into this dull routine

There's some for you and some for me
Where we can be what we will be
Kay sera and c'est la vie to
Live inside my world of dreams

We'll live and dance the night away and
Laugh for all is well and good
The world is now just how it should,
If only it remained for good

Run away with me inside my head,
Away from painful life of dread.
Take my hand though we've just met,
And leave this life with no regrets.
To live inside my world of dreams,
Is harder than it is to dream,
but easy when you're dead.

---

A flower seeds a desolate patch
Surrounded by oaks that touch the sky
A single ray peaks through the thatch
The flower blooms like it always knew
That life was more than a barren patch
In the shade of something great
Yet unreachable

Night comes and takes the shining rays
It’s true that nothing gold can stay
The right seldom outweighs the wrong
For surely soon, the light is gone
The flower retreats into the throng
Of thorns and bristles it did create
To shield itself from hazy haze
To leave the blight in hopes that soon
That moonlit moon can sooth the wounds
A familiar place, this place can be
A shaded patch underneath a tree

[tectak]

I seldom write when not depressed, a hopeless muse but I digress. When hopes once held fall to the ground, comes time my skill with words is found.Sure not am I that true this is

---
Mania today, darkness in a while
Alabaster days, dressing shoes in style
The grass is never green, the other side is brownBeware the cliche. It infects
Sleep and wake for routines sake
Turn smiles into frownsPunctuate...it is therapeutic. Do not capitalise evey line. You must have seen it somewhere. Oh yes. 1892.

---

This chaos runs amok in droves
Choices you made, no longer chose
A river runs, and life streams by
To live a life, till death to dieFrankly, your muse is depressed. Forced rhymes and yet more cliches. Don't worry too much about rhyming if you find it difficult.
It is better to not rhyme at all,
but if you must life is a ball................Yikes. It is just so easy when you do not work at it.

A little boy, a little girl
Run up a hill, and to a stream
To fill their cups with the stuff of dreams
The chaos sifts through torrent streams
A mind of lies and broken dreamsNo. Better to leave this rhyming thing alone. If stream, dream, streams, dreams is the best you can come up with, no wonder you get depressed

So tumble now,
Unrestrained laughter
Down the hill, Jill tumbling after
Fret not today, tomorrow's next
Chaos and dreams
And hedged bets

---

Let's leave this world of miserable grey and
Enter a world of hopes and dreams
Where life is fun and every day
Breathes life into this dull routine

There's some for you and some for me
Where we can be what we will be
Kay sera and c'est la vie to Que sera
Live inside my world of dreams

We'll live and dance the night away and
Laugh for all is well and good
The world is now just how it should,
If only it remained for good

Run away with me inside my head,
Away from painful life of dread.
Take my hand though we've just met,
And leave this life with no regrets.
To live inside my world of dreams,
Is harder than it is to dream,
but easy when you're dead.

---

A flower seeds a desolate patch
Surrounded by oaks that touch the sky
A single ray peaks through the thatch
The flower blooms like it always knew
That life was more than a barren patch
In the shade of something great
Yet unreachable

Night comes and takes the shining rays
It’s true that nothing gold can stay
The right seldom outweighs the wrong
For surely soon, the light is gone
The flower retreats into the throng
Of thorns and bristles it did create
To shield itself from hazy haze
To leave the blight in hopes that soon
That moonlit moon can sooth the wounds
A familiar place, this place can be
A shaded patch underneath a tree etc, See end.

Hi, shorten this and get as much as you can out of as little as you can. The whole thing is cantilevered out way past its base...it is about to collapse. Please, read your work OUT LOUD and then tell yourself the truth.
More later. Busy being cheerful.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

try and post one poem at a time please :J:

[tectak]

try and post one poem at a time please :J:

hOLY CADWALLADER.....is this more than one poem!

---

try and post one poem at a time please :J:

hOLY CADWALLADER.....is this more than one poem?

---

try and post one poem at a time please :J:

hOLY CADWALLADER.....is this more than one poem?

[Cyferz]

A little boy, a little girl
Run up a hill, and to a stream
To fill their cups with the stuff of dreams
The chaos sifts through torrent streams
A mind of lies and broken dreamsNo. Better to leave this rhyming thing alone. If stream, dream, streams, dreams is the best you can come up with, no wonder you get depressed

Wasn't going to say anything until this. There's this thing called alliteration; you might've learned about it in grade 10. All your other critiques are facetious at best. Also I don't know if you're familiar with a homonym but that is used here as well.

And it is more than one poem every ellipsis marks a new beginning, but the overall theme comes from the same place and it was written in chronological order.

There's a story here if you're skilled enough to see it. I'll give you a hint the muse is a girl, the voice is depression.

[tectak]

A little boy, a little girl
Run up a hill, and to a stream
To fill their cups with the stuff of dreams
The chaos sifts through torrent streams
A mind of lies and broken dreamsNo. Better to leave this rhyming thing alone. If stream, dream, streams, dreams is the best you can come up with, no wonder you get depressed

Wasn't going to say anything until this. There's this thing called alliteration; you might've learned about it in grade 10. All your other critiques are facetious at best. Also I don't know if you're familiar with a homonym but that is used here as well.

And it is more than one poem every ellipsis marks a new beginning, but the overall theme comes from the same place and it was written in chronological order.

There's a story here if you're skilled enough to see it. I'll give you a hint the muse is a girl, the voice is depression.

Nope...I don't see it. This deep stuff is way beyond my skill level. A homonym you say, and what was it, alliteration. Sheesh, something new every day. Oh yes. I see it now. Dreams...that's a homonym for, er, dreams. Alliteration? Yes. I'll look out for that, too,too,too,too.
Seriously, toughen up. Just note the smilies. Believe, me, when I'm not being facetious I get really irritating...critting does that to you.

Once a new member has 5 pieces of reasonable feedback (outside of the Newly Registered Forum) under their belt they'll be able to start threads willy nilly all over the place. Give a piece of feedback elsewhere before posting a post poem here. Forum rules
Best,
tectak

[Todd]

Hi Cyferz, here are some comments on your poem:

I seldom write when not depressed, a hopeless muse but I digress. When hopes once held fall to the ground, comes time my skill with words is found.

---
Mania today, darkness in a while
Alabaster days, dressing shoes in style
The grass is never green, the other side is brown
Sleep and wake for routines sake
Turn smiles into frowns

--This has a clipped, jerky flow to it. The problem also is that the symbols you use are too personal. It feels like a clunky way to say the speaker is manic depressive.

---

This chaos runs amok in droves--This is really an abstract phrase that should be replaced by concrete imagery.
Choices you made, no longer chose--filler, too telling
A river runs, and life streams by--by is an awful word for a line break just to force a rhyme. "life streams by" is cliche we've heard that before
To live a life, till death to die

A little boy, a little girl
Run up a hill, and to a stream
To fill their cups with the stuff of dreams--The stuff is dreams is vague
The chaos sifts through torrent streams
A mind of lies and broken dreams--again sounds poetic but doesn't say anything

So tumble now,
Unrestrained laughter
Down the hill, Jill tumbling after
Fret not today, tomorrow's next
Chaos and dreams
And hedged bets

--The Jack and Jill thing could be developed. Right now, I think you're mentally adding a lot of personal subtext to the lines. The subtext needs better, more cohesive imagery to come through

---

Let's leave this world of miserable grey and--Line breaks on conjunctions are almost always wrong.
Enter a world of hopes and dreams--Vague
Where life is fun and every day--This needs imagery to work. If you said life was a carnival for example, had cotton candy clouds (candy floss if you're from the UK) that would even be better. I'm not making the suggestion just attempting to explain my meaning
Breathes life into this dull routine--show this with an image

There's some for you and some for me
Where we can be what we will be
Kay sera and c'est la vie to
Live inside my world of dreams--Again, not a lot here

We'll live and dance the night away and
Laugh for all is well and good
The world is now just how it should,--Don't leave words out for the sake of rhyme and rhythm. Just is a filler word. There should be a "be" at the end of this
If only it remained for good

Run away with me inside my head,
Away from painful life of dread.--again not that I like this line, but if it's going to be here an "a" before painful.
Take my hand though we've just met,
And leave this life with no regrets.
To live inside my world of dreams,
Is harder than it is to dream,--Dream is used so many times and the repetition doesn't help. Show the specific dream maybe but don't remain so vague.
but easy when you're dead.

---

A flower seeds a desolate patch
Surrounded by oaks that touch the sky
A single ray peaks through the thatch
The flower blooms like it always knew
That life was more than a barren patch
In the shade of something great
Yet unreachable--This strophe you might be able to develop more. I like this more than what's come before

Night comes and takes the shining rays
It’s true that nothing gold can stay
The right seldom outweighs the wrong
For surely soon, the light is gone
The flower retreats into the throng
Of thorns and bristles it did create
To shield itself from hazy haze
To leave the blight in hopes that soon
That moonlit moon can sooth the wounds--Moonlit moon seems odd and redundant
A familiar place, this place can be--again bad line in an otherwise better section of the poem
A shaded patch underneath a tree

The last two strophes have some moments you can develop. I don't know if any of these comments will be helpful as you consider what you've written. I hope they are.

Best,

Todd

[Cyferz]

Where have they gone, the laughs and fears
The tears are weallowed by the years.
Life lies in youth, yet at what cost
Then life steals youth, and something's lost.

----

---

Hi Cyferz, here are some comments on your poem:

I seldom write when not depressed, a hopeless muse but I digress. When hopes once held fall to the ground, comes time my skill with words is found.

---
Mania today, darkness in a while
Alabaster days, dressing shoes in style
The grass is never green, the other side is brown
Sleep and wake for routines sake
Turn smiles into frowns

--This has a clipped, jerky flow to it. The problem also is that the symbols you use are too personal. It feels like a clunky way to say the speaker is manic depressive.

---

This chaos runs amok in droves--This is really an abstract phrase that should be replaced by concrete imagery.
Choices you made, no longer chose--filler, too telling
A river runs, and life streams by--by is an awful word for a line break just to force a rhyme. "life streams by" is cliche we've heard that before
To live a life, till death to die

A little boy, a little girl
Run up a hill, and to a stream
To fill their cups with the stuff of dreams--The stuff is dreams is vague
The chaos sifts through torrent streams
A mind of lies and broken dreams--again sounds poetic but doesn't say anything

So tumble now,
Unrestrained laughter
Down the hill, Jill tumbling after
Fret not today, tomorrow's next
Chaos and dreams
And hedged bets

--The Jack and Jill thing could be developed. Right now, I think you're mentally adding a lot of personal subtext to the lines. The subtext needs better, more cohesive imagery to come through

---

Let's leave this world of miserable grey and--Line breaks on conjunctions are almost always wrong.
Enter a world of hopes and dreams--Vague
Where life is fun and every day--This needs imagery to work. If you said life was a carnival for example, had cotton candy clouds (candy floss if you're from the UK) that would even be better. I'm not making the suggestion just attempting to explain my meaning
Breathes life into this dull routine--show this with an image

There's some for you and some for me
Where we can be what we will be
Kay sera and c'est la vie to
Live inside my world of dreams--Again, not a lot here

We'll live and dance the night away and
Laugh for all is well and good
The world is now just how it should,--Don't leave words out for the sake of rhyme and rhythm. Just is a filler word. There should be a "be" at the end of this
If only it remained for good

Run away with me inside my head,
Away from painful life of dread.--again not that I like this line, but if it's going to be here an "a" before painful.
Take my hand though we've just met,
And leave this life with no regrets.
To live inside my world of dreams,
Is harder than it is to dream,--Dream is used so many times and the repetition doesn't help. Show the specific dream maybe but don't remain so vague.
but easy when you're dead.

---

A flower seeds a desolate patch
Surrounded by oaks that touch the sky
A single ray peaks through the thatch
The flower blooms like it always knew
That life was more than a barren patch
In the shade of something great
Yet unreachable--This strophe you might be able to develop more. I like this more than what's come before

Night comes and takes the shining rays
It’s true that nothing gold can stay
The right seldom outweighs the wrong
For surely soon, the light is gone
The flower retreats into the throng
Of thorns and bristles it did create
To shield itself from hazy haze
To leave the blight in hopes that soon
That moonlit moon can sooth the wounds--Moonlit moon seems odd and redundant
A familiar place, this place can be--again bad line in an otherwise better section of the poem
A shaded patch underneath a tree

The last two strophes have some moments you can develop. I don't know if any of these comments will be helpful as you consider what you've written. I hope they are.

Best,

Todd

Very helpful. These were all just scribbles I wrote down on my notebook while I was suppose to be listening to lecture. No thought of structure or respect to the viewership, I just let the emotion and motif flow out.

Dough to be molded into something with a more shape. As of now, I agree that most of it is flowery words that say absolutely nothing.

To the poster previous. Saying something like "This line sucks no wonder your depressed" isnt constructive criticism. Stay off my thread.

[tectak]

Where have they gone, the laughs and fears
The tears are weallowed by the years.
Life lies in youth, yet at what cost
Then life steals youth, and something's lost.

----

---

Hi Cyferz, here are some comments on your poem:

I seldom write when not depressed, a hopeless muse but I digress. When hopes once held fall to the ground, comes time my skill with words is found.

---
Mania today, darkness in a while
Alabaster days, dressing shoes in style
The grass is never green, the other side is brown
Sleep and wake for routines sake
Turn smiles into frowns

--This has a clipped, jerky flow to it. The problem also is that the symbols you use are too personal. It feels like a clunky way to say the speaker is manic depressive.

---

This chaos runs amok in droves--This is really an abstract phrase that should be replaced by concrete imagery.
Choices you made, no longer chose--filler, too telling
A river runs, and life streams by--by is an awful word for a line break just to force a rhyme. "life streams by" is cliche we've heard that before
To live a life, till death to die

A little boy, a little girl
Run up a hill, and to a stream
To fill their cups with the stuff of dreams--The stuff is dreams is vague
The chaos sifts through torrent streams
A mind of lies and broken dreams--again sounds poetic but doesn't say anything

So tumble now,
Unrestrained laughter
Down the hill, Jill tumbling after
Fret not today, tomorrow's next
Chaos and dreams
And hedged bets

--The Jack and Jill thing could be developed. Right now, I think you're mentally adding a lot of personal subtext to the lines. The subtext needs better, more cohesive imagery to come through

---

Let's leave this world of miserable grey and--Line breaks on conjunctions are almost always wrong.
Enter a world of hopes and dreams--Vague
Where life is fun and every day--This needs imagery to work. If you said life was a carnival for example, had cotton candy clouds (candy floss if you're from the UK) that would even be better. I'm not making the suggestion just attempting to explain my meaning
Breathes life into this dull routine--show this with an image

There's some for you and some for me
Where we can be what we will be
Kay sera and c'est la vie to
Live inside my world of dreams--Again, not a lot here

We'll live and dance the night away and
Laugh for all is well and good
The world is now just how it should,--Don't leave words out for the sake of rhyme and rhythm. Just is a filler word. There should be a "be" at the end of this
If only it remained for good

Run away with me inside my head,
Away from painful life of dread.--again not that I like this line, but if it's going to be here an "a" before painful.
Take my hand though we've just met,
And leave this life with no regrets.
To live inside my world of dreams,
Is harder than it is to dream,--Dream is used so many times and the repetition doesn't help. Show the specific dream maybe but don't remain so vague.
but easy when you're dead.

---

A flower seeds a desolate patch
Surrounded by oaks that touch the sky
A single ray peaks through the thatch
The flower blooms like it always knew
That life was more than a barren patch
In the shade of something great
Yet unreachable--This strophe you might be able to develop more. I like this more than what's come before

Night comes and takes the shining rays
It’s true that nothing gold can stay
The right seldom outweighs the wrong
For surely soon, the light is gone
The flower retreats into the throng
Of thorns and bristles it did create
To shield itself from hazy haze
To leave the blight in hopes that soon
That moonlit moon can sooth the wounds--Moonlit moon seems odd and redundant
A familiar place, this place can be--again bad line in an otherwise better section of the poem
A shaded patch underneath a tree

The last two strophes have some moments you can develop. I don't know if any of these comments will be helpful as you consider what you've written. I hope they are.

Best,

Todd

Very helpful. These were all just scribbles I wrote down on my notebook while I was suppose to be listening to lecture. No thought of structure or respect to the viewership, I just let the emotion and motif flow out.

Dough to be molded into something with a more shape. As of now, I agree that most of it is flowery words that say absolutely nothing.

To the poster previous. Saying something like "This line sucks no wonder your depressed" isnt constructive criticism. Stay off my thread.

Please do not misquote me, note the emoticons, and roger.
Best,
tectak