Once were

[Leanne]

Edit 6/10/2013

In this twisted menagerie
I awake with stripes
finger-painted on my hide;
the sort that only appear
the morning after,
when my eyes are closed.

Shouts and flashes built my box
and I am independent of the floor
I once commanded,

a transportable label that others know
by osmosis rather than effort. I am the moan
that passes complacent lips.

Fragments of me leave
in iMemories. Collected and centrifuged,
they would yield nothing but sludge:

omitto tacitus

Original Version

I awoke with different stripes
finger-painted on my hide,
the sort that only show when your eyes are closed.

Shouts and flashes built my box
and I am independent of the floor
I once commanded,

a transportable label that others know
by osmosis rather than effort, as they
absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill.

Fragments of me leave
in iMemories. Collected and centrifuged,
they would yield nothing but sludge:

omitto tacitus

[Brownlie]

I awoke with different stripes
finger-painted on my hide,
the sort that only show when your eyes are closed.

Shouts and flashes built my box
and I am independent of the floor
I once commanded,

a transportable label that others know
by osmosis rather than effort, as they
absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill.

Fragments of me leave
in iMemories. Collected and centrifuged,
they would yield nothing but sludge:

omitto tacitus

I have a rather pompous and longwinded response to your poem. The word “identity” creates an instant paradox that implies a being is singular and independent. David Hume applied time as the medium to unify identity in our imaginations. A recent candidate for the American Presidency, Mitt Romney, used the mythic figure of Steve Jobs as an American Paradigm in one of his speeches. Romney seemed to revere Job's as one would revere Henry Ford who we all know is credited with the idea of the assembly line. Romney’s running mate advertised the songs on his ipod to appeal to the youth. Imemories seems to imply a branding from capitalistic forces and an identity in an artificial world. The FBI categorizes “Cyber Space” as a new plane of warfare. If we look to history the narratives received are largely those of Caucasians. We also have to consider the fact that some of our oldest examples of poetry are translated and come from authors that we may have trouble pinpointing. I.E. “The Homeric entity.” Can we express universal truth in a word that exceeds the truth of a tautology? Centrifuged is a rough word suggesting artificial forces that move rapidly circular I can see how a sludge can be made from artificial forces that can exceed the strength of gravity. I don't know what the latin your using means in english...

[Leanne]

Interesting... nowhere near what I was thinking about at the time, but poetry isn't a trick to guess what's in the writer's head, so wherever it took you is fine... omitto tacitus translates as something like "I disappear/leave/pass over in silence". Thanks for having a look.

[billy]

I think as it it is, only you will know the real intent and what the content mean . but the poem does give a feel of past experiences, a not so healthy feel. i would have liked a bit more understanding on my part and possibly a little more from the poem, no constructive feedback as such except to say i'm not sure if what i got was what you gave

I awoke with different stripes
finger-painted on my hide,
the sort that only show when your eyes are closed. i get the feeling this is a memory, a bad one, mainly because stripes are often associated with whippings which is a synonym for beating.

Shouts and flashes built my box for me this reinforces the thought that the 1st person is as she/he is because of conditioning, probably violent conditioning.
and I am independent of the floor i'm not sure what this means unless it means you've moved on
I once commanded,

a transportable label that others know
by osmosis rather than effort, as they
absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill. again, the quiddity, the real price or hidden charge makes me think that someone got more than they bargained for

Fragments of me leave
in iMemories. Collected and centrifuged, i have no idea what imemories are.
they would yield nothing but sludge: im not sure if this is saying you've cut the bad bits away or can't get away from them.

omitto tacitus does this translate as 'don't touch'?

---

i just saw what omitus tacitus means

[Leanne]

I like your reading, billy, it's probably closer to the truth than what I had in mind when I wrote it. Sometimes that happens

My original thought was that the "floor" is a stage. I don't know whether that's important anymore.

[Keith]

I awoke with different stripes
finger-painted on my hide, scratch marks ?
the sort that only show when your eyes are closed. very sensual if scratch marks

Shouts and flashes built my box fame
and I am independent of the floor
I once commanded, treading the boards

a transportable label that others know
by osmosis rather than effort, as they spongers on the fame
absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill. nice line once the free lunches have gone you find real friends

Fragments of me leave
in iMemories. Collected and centrifuged, web down loads, sound bites, poetry collected and made pure ?
they would yield nothing but sludge: although I like the line it implies that its all just sludge so you must be talking about someone else
omitto tacitus

Very much enjoyed Leanne if I'm way off then I like my version better than yours. Best Keith

[cidermaid]

Hi Leanne, this one has had me going back and forth as I change my mind about what is within here. I also got a similar image to Billy as one of my musings, but then I also got an image of motherhood! (Oh and then I thought that TOMH also had a good take. Who knows what you were thinking as you wrote this but this does not detract from my pleasure of the read. As we already have the other two ideas set out I'll offer up the motherhood thought lines.

I awoke with different stripes The first two lines put me in mind of waking up after the birth of my first. Suddenly I was a new person (I had changed my spots - I now had stripes).
finger-painted on my hide, Thinking stretch marks as well as the inevitable fun but messy stages of child play.
the sort that only show when your eyes are closed. This has sad and distant overtones for me. It seems to speak of times past - memories that can only be conjoured when your eyes are closed. I think this stanza is a memory play of a time that seems another life time ago. It feels like a mixture of good and bad recollections because as Billy said in his read notes the stripe also would indicate the stripes of beatings. So I'm getting a mix of images within the same memory tape....But for me this works as this is exactly how memories come. Joy. regret. Pain.

Shouts and flashes built my box
and I am independent of the floor
I once commanded, Again as with my thoughts on the first stanza this seems to build on the image ideas I have going in my head. shouts and flashes speak of anger to me. The box speaks of a containment and in this context I read marriage...but then this is firmly place in the past context as it was once commanded but the speaker is now independant of this. I read the floor as TOMH does in the form of a stage, this being a performance that is put on for a while

a transportable label that others know
by osmosis rather than effort, as they
absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill.
a transportable label that others know This stanza had me mixed up for a while but I'm thinking that if connected to the idea of a performance within a marriage, then it becomes the behind doors effect of of do we really know what goes on. Also the past tense of the previous stanza close would indicate an ongoing element to past experiances with current "others" Then if I switch my image hat back to the motherhood thread, it becomes the mother seen through the eyes of maturing children. The contrasts of the mother's love with that of the brutality within the marriage.

Fragments of me leave children slowly needing less of the mother as they become day by day more independant.
in iMemories. Collected and centrifuged, The all essential photo's gathered onto a computor screen. The "i" element gives it a nice double twist on meaning and as well as comp ref I get the as seen my me image. So these then spun down and centered within the speaker's understanding.
they would yield nothing but sludge: I must admit that I struggled with the last line untill I read up what the latin referance means. Origianlly i thought it was a bit of a weak (poor me) ending. Should have known better this is a Leanne poem My close image become perhaps a bit odd but hey I liked it so it works for me . I got a sort of smooth river / water under the bridge thing going on...leaving all the sludge behind. It made me think of strong and silent type...someone of an enduring quality who has not been reduced to sludge by the application of some shit from life. The speaker has moved on and left it all behind...changed the stripes for spots

omitto tacitus
[/quote]

So no real idea where your thoughts took you as you wrote. I almost feel that the between Billy, TOMH and what i have above it might be in there somewhere. But a great read and sorry no real crits as such at this stage. I'll be sure to read this a few more times so will be back if i see anything.

[Leanne]

AJ, I love your reading. That's the great pleasure that poetry holds for me, so many possibilities that even the original intention can easily just be allegorical without the writer being aware of it. Initially, this was a third-person-speaker kind of I but your interpretation might hit a little too close to home

Keith came very close to what I thought I was thinking but there's absolutely nothing to say that I was entirely correct...

[tectak]

I awoke with different stripes
finger-painted on my hide,
the sort that only show when your eyes are closed. It is only the use of "different" that serves to confuse here. You had stripes, but now you have different stripes. There must be clarity on the horizon, or the old stripes and the new become largely irrelevant. Will it be so?

Shouts and flashes built my box No. So I will not hanker after clarity. This is going the way of obscurity...and who knows where that lives. Can I like it for its quiddity? No...but that's me
and I am independent of the floor
I once commanded, Some odd disconnect has occured. Where do you want me to end this sentence...a sentence you have authorised me to interpret as I wish? Are you " Independent of the floor you once commanded " or are you " Independent of the floor" but commanding a transportable label. The not clearness is not clear.

a transportable label that others know
by osmosis rather than effort, as they ..an unusual attribute of osmosis, knowing. Perhaps "learn of by" rather than "know". I know what you mean but not osmotically.
absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill. Bugger me...quiddity! Is it fungible with a fiver?

Fragments of me leave
in iMemories. Collected and centrifuged,
they would yield nothing but sludge: OK. I like this stanza but do not know why. It may be that the switch of material (fragments) to spirit ( imemories) and back to material again (sludge) has a certain appeal to those who seek the actuality of a "soul" (little ol' soul seeker me) in the nuclear niceties of matter, once arranged into a "living" entity. Yes...of course, that's what it's all about...isn't it. Isn't it? Fuck.

Best,
tectak

omitto tacitus

---

I think as it it is, only you will know the real intent and what the content mean . but the poem does give a feel of past experiences, a not so healthy feel. i would have liked a bit more understanding on my part and possibly a little more from the poem, no constructive feedback as such except to say i'm not sure if what i got was what you gave

I awoke with different stripes
finger-painted on my hide,
the sort that only show when your eyes are closed. i get the feeling this is a memory, a bad one, mainly because stripes are often associated with whippings which is a synonym for beating.

Shouts and flashes built my box for me this reinforces the thought that the 1st person is as she/he is because of conditioning, probably violent conditioning.
and I am independent of the floor i'm not sure what this means unless it means you've moved on
I once commanded,

a transportable label that others know
by osmosis rather than effort, as they
absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill. again, the quiddity, the real price or hidden charge makes me think that someone got more than they bargained for

Fragments of me leave
in iMemories. Collected and centrifuged, i have no idea what imemories are.
they would yield nothing but sludge: im not sure if this is saying you've cut the bad bits away or can't get away from them.

omitto tacitus does this translate as 'don't touch'?

---

i just saw what omitus tacitus means

You gotta be careful with Latin. The endings are buggers. Omitto tacitus when I was trying to get in to Girl Guides, any girl guide, meant to pass silently by/away. Times change. Tempus fugit, too.
Best,
tectak

[Leanne]

Shouts and flashes built my box and I am independent of the floor I once commanded, a transportable label that others know by osmosis rather than effort, as they absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill.

Not seeing ambiguity of sentence structure there, Mr Tak -- perhaps you've come to expect it I am independent of the floor I once commanded; I am a transportable label that others... etc.

As for quiddity, I really wanted to use haecceity but it didn't fit the bill :p

---

PS if I've buggered up the Latin, can you offer correction? It's a long time since I listened to those nuns.

[tectak]

Shouts and flashes built my box and I am independent of the floor I once commanded, a transportable label that others know by osmosis rather than effort, as they absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill.

Not seeing ambiguity of sentence structure there, Mr Tak -- perhaps you've come to expect it I am independent of the floor I once commanded; I am a transportable label that others... etc.

As for quiddity, I really wanted to use haecceity but it didn't fit the bill :p

---

PS if I've buggered up the Latin, can you offer correction? It's a long time since I listened to those nuns.

Foul! You snucked in a semicolon after "commanded". That's better. Now it's as clear as cricket.
Latin...bloody Latin. Latin is the bane of my mycological life. Short latin phrases are widely and variably translated into English but that is as often as not because of the not often admitted nuances of english, rather than latin. Your phrase, omitto tacitus has been used by me on more than one occasion to exit boring parties and once I was called out by my tame academic pedant as I thought I was saying " leaving quietly" ( loose translation) but was corrected. Apparently there is a subtle difference between "leaving" as in departing, "leaving" as remaindering and "leaving" as in leaving as in "leaving out" . Apparently omitto tacitus is most commonly applied to nothing at all BUT my pedant pal insists that the taxonomic use is what we mycologists should accept...so it is esoteric but "leaving out" has it, though this in itself translates as "leaving out surreptitiously" or, ipso facto to leave without being noticed, quietly. Get out of that what you will.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

I awoke with different stripes
finger-painted on my hide,
the sort that only show when your eyes are closed.

Shouts and flashes built my box
and I am independent of the floor
I once commanded,

a transportable label that others know
by osmosis rather than effort, as they
absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill.

Fragments of me leave
in iMemories. Collected and centrifuged,
they would yield nothing but sludge:

omitto tacitus

To be honest a lot of this didn't make a lot of sense to me, which never really bothers me at all but it does make it harder to comment in this instance.

First, my version of the interpretation as I see this is in vogue now. I read that it was about fame or such - yippee!!, I still don't get that. I saw "you" as an iPOD!!! yes, the life of an ipod, born in a chinese factory, shouts and flashes on the "floor" (the factory flooor), you come in a box, the "Apple" label we all know by osmosis the added value, etc.

ok, enough of that. I had a problem with the "big" words, not because they are big words, but because they felt clumsily handled, shoe-horned in with no new "poet's" touch or feeling which is a surprise from you. (This was osmosis, centrifuged and quiddity). I liked the idea of finger-painted stripes, but only seeing them with eyes closed(?) ruined the whole image for me, imaginary finger painted stripes!! My favorite part was "iMemories" - very current, I have a feeling the word built the poem and I have a feeling it will build another.

thanks for the read.

Cheers!

milo

[tectak]

I awoke with different stripes
finger-painted on my hide,
the sort that only show when your eyes are closed.

Shouts and flashes built my box
and I am independent of the floor
I once commanded,

a transportable label that others know
by osmosis rather than effort, as they
absorb the quiddity you stapled to the bill.

Fragments of me leave
in iMemories. Collected and centrifuged,
they would yield nothing but sludge:

omitto tacitus

I have a rather pompous and longwinded response to your poem. The word “identity” creates an instant paradox that implies a being is singular and independent. David Hume applied time as the medium to unify identity in our imaginations. A recent candidate for the American Presidency, Mitt Romney, used the mythic figure of Steve Jobs as an American Paradigm in one of his speeches. Romney seemed to revere Job's as one would revere Henry Ford who we all know is credited with the idea of the assembly line. Romney’s running mate advertised the songs on his ipod to appeal to the youth. Imemories seems to imply a branding from capitalistic forces and an identity in an artificial world. The FBI categorizes “Cyber Space” as a new plane of warfare. If we look to history the narratives received are largely those of Caucasians. We also have to consider the fact that some of our oldest examples of poetry are translated and come from authors that we may have trouble pinpointing. I.E. “The Homeric entity.” Can we express universal truth in a word that exceeds the truth of a tautology? Centrifuged is a rough word suggesting artificial forces that move rapidly circular( ...er..no. Centrifugal and centripetal forces are the two opposed forces acting from a fixed central point. The forces are only created by a mass, which is itself held by the one and thrown out by the other, whilst rotating about the same fixed point and they are far from artificial....considering they hold you, me, the earth, the planets, the sun, the galaxies in their "natural" orbits" I can see how a sludge can be made from artificial forces that can exceed the strength of gravity. Peanuts. Gravity is so weak the whole mass of the earth cannot stop you standing up whereas half a bottle of whisky can. It can also make sludge. Usually once in the taxi. I don't know what the latin your using means in english...

Everyone one knows that Homer didn't write anything...It was all the work of another chap with the same name.
Oh, I love that one! Any excuse to roll it out...sorry. End of. This is getting off subject. My fault.

[Leanne]

To be honest a lot of this didn't make a lot of sense to me, which never really bothers me at all but it does make it harder to comment in this instance.

First, my version of the interpretation as I see this is in vogue now. I read that it was about fame or such - yippee!!, I still don't get that. I saw "you" as an iPOD!!! yes, the life of an ipod, born in a chinese factory, shouts and flashes on the "floor" (the factory flooor), you come in a box, the "Apple" label we all know by osmosis the added value, etc.

ok, enough of that. I had a problem with the "big" words, not because they are big words, but because they felt clumsily handled, shoe-horned in with no new "poet's" touch or feeling which is a surprise from you. (This was osmosis, centrifuged and quiddity). I liked the idea of finger-painted stripes, but only seeing them with eyes closed(?) ruined the whole image for me, imaginary finger painted stripes!! My favorite part was "iMemories" - very current, I have a feeling the word built the poem and I have a feeling it will build another.

thanks for the read.

Cheers!

milo

Sorry milo, I missed this. All valid points, though without specific suggestions for editing I presume the message is to pulp this and start again -- a fair enough conclusion also. Cheers for the feedback.

[milo]

To be honest a lot of this didn't make a lot of sense to me, which never really bothers me at all but it does make it harder to comment in this instance.

First, my version of the interpretation as I see this is in vogue now. I read that it was about fame or such - yippee!!, I still don't get that. I saw "you" as an iPOD!!! yes, the life of an ipod, born in a chinese factory, shouts and flashes on the "floor" (the factory flooor), you come in a box, the "Apple" label we all know by osmosis the added value, etc.

ok, enough of that. I had a problem with the "big" words, not because they are big words, but because they felt clumsily handled, shoe-horned in with no new "poet's" touch or feeling which is a surprise from you. (This was osmosis, centrifuged and quiddity). I liked the idea of finger-painted stripes, but only seeing them with eyes closed(?) ruined the whole image for me, imaginary finger painted stripes!! My favorite part was "iMemories" - very current, I have a feeling the word built the poem and I have a feeling it will build another.

thanks for the read.

Cheers!

milo

Sorry milo, I missed this. All valid points, though without specific suggestions for editing I presume the message is to pulp this and start again -- a fair enough conclusion also. Cheers for the feedback.

No, I wouldn't recommend that. If you have a specific message you want conveyed, I would say edit for clarity, otherwise disregard that whole discussion. As to the the other parts, if the areas work for you, of course keep them. For me, it lacked the deftness of language that I require from you, there are others that I probably wouldn't have even mentioned it on.

[Leanne]

I have edited, but I don't know that it was for clarity

[bena]

Small thought: I read "floor" as you intended it...but it seems others didn't, so perhaps just change it to stage? After all, we are merely players.

Better thought yet, leave it. independent of a floor you once commanded all taken in the same phrase makes me think politics.

Meh, you know better than I.

[Leanne]

I'm leaving floor for pretty much exactly the reason you give, Mel "Stage" is limiting.

[Keith]

Please feed my OCD and put everything back how you found it. Clarity is already clearer than the bell that won the being clearest competition. Well it is in my version, however I do like twisted menagerie. The morning after reminds me of that pill you can get, you know, for the morning after and it swaps out the focus from a clawed bottom.

[Leanne]

People would get upset, Keith... workshop and editing and all that

But since I'm unlikely to ever do anything with this, you can have whichever version you like for your own