Bliss

[WillThomas]

A polariod burns to a cinder,
Our archaic memories are but tinder.
I sit motionless, immolated in the moments we spent;
Charred, suffocating, lost and content.

[Brownlie]

A polariod burns to a cinder,
Our archaic memories are but tinder. - I might get rid of archaic here
I sit motionless, immolated in the moments we spent;
Charred, suffocating, lost and content. - As if life has already burned away?

[WillThomas]

A polariod burns to a cinder,
Our archaic memories are but tinder. - I might get rid of archaic here
I sit motionless, immolated in the moments we spent;
Charred, suffocating, lost and content. - As if life has already burned away?

As in the protagonist is lost in the memories of his past, however the point I was trying to get across was that this is not healthy, hence the images of fire And immolation. He is lost in his memories and although it is burning (hurting) him, he is 'content'

[Brownlie]

A polariod burns to a cinder,
Our archaic memories are but tinder. - I might get rid of archaic here
I sit motionless, immolated in the moments we spent;
Charred, suffocating, lost and content. - As if life has already burned away?

As in the protagonist is lost in the memories of his past, however the point I was trying to get across was that this is not healthy, hence the images of fire And immolation. He is lost in his memories and although it is burning (hurting) him, he is 'content'

Maybe you can expand and make that sentiment more clear

[billy]

maybe you can give some feedback elsewhere.

[tectak]

A polariod burns to a cinder,
Our archaic memories are but tinder.
I sit motionless, immolated in the moments we spent;
Charred, suffocating, lost and content.

Hi will,
Terse verse. Terse crit. Have you given crit yourself?
Not sure about the firmness of this. "Polaroid burns to a cinder". Yep...it is a completely dephlogisticated memory. A cinder. So how come it is tinder? Not sure about "immolated in". "immolated by" makes more sense to me. Nice image though. Buddist 1963.
This is a gestalt. The last word is neat. I have a problem. I am suffering from loss. I have painful memories. I am glad I have them..... I am content.
Yes. OK. But not setting the world on fire. A little local burning off.
Punctuation fine but no need to go back to schooldays and capitalise each line. Unnecessary and pointless....confusing even.
Best,
tectak

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[milo]

A polariod burns to a cinder,
Our archaic memories are but tinder.
I sit motionless, immolated in the moments we spent;
Charred, suffocating, lost and content.

I don't see what cinder adds that you couldn't get from "a polaroid burns"
I don't see what "archaic" is supposed to be adding to memories.
"in the moments we spent" cliche, plus, spent doing what? should probably just be immolated in our moments.
the last line is pretty much ham-fisted hyperbole



milo

A polaroid burns to a cinder
and with it goes our memories.
Our camping trip, we have no tinder
a polaroid burns too. A cinder
fights but rains will hinder
without a fire we'll surely freeze!
A polaroid burns to a cinder
and with it goes our memories.