Which is Witches

[Bunx]

Which is Witches  

"Witches, what can you take out of them?"

The pastor spoke with words
not thought just invoked.
Children listening with intent,
hatred the feeling I never forget.

We started off our young love
at bible camp.

Singing worship whatever. 
Why when?
I could have just sung to you?

We were so young, innocent.
A system only using pipes to vent:
you have sent me on this
epic quest. To be pure.
Born again, renewed.

We started off our relationship,
with your two moms. 

You wanted. A husband,
money, a protector. 

God I
should have just slept with her.

Not that that would do.

It would make me miss you more.
God, 

if love was more than skin.
I would have won your game.
Love is not a game, nor war.
This love was my score
left unfinished.

We sat at Hastings, I felt so nervous.
After all of those years wanting to
see you again. I helped your hand
and grabbed it before your tears began.

Then I was not ready, girl. Your God and is crazy. 

So are you currently Amanda. 
Why did you have to marry
the next boy after me. 
Than, never talk
to me again?

I miss you.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

It is clear to see that this poem has a lot of personal meaning to you. For me, it hasn't translated into reader understanding - the basic idea of the poem is there, yes, but there's a lack of connection and empathy for the speaker because a lot of it only makes sense to you. This is something perhaps you don't want to adjust, as you are happy with the poem yourself, but otherwise try to generalise your story.

The other thing I saw was your use of semi colons isn't correct (someone will probably prove me wrong on that). In the title and your first stanza - other than that, happy editing

[Rose Love]

For me, it hasn't translated into reader understanding - the basic idea of the poem is there, yes, but there's a lack of connection and empathy for the speaker because a lot of it only makes sense to you.

I agree. It seems like it would be a good poem if I knew what the words were referring to. I'd also like to understand the title and how it represents what's in the poem, but I don't get it.

There were a couple grammar mistakes:
Bible
could have sung

I'm not sure if the last one is a mistake or intentional--"Than" seems like it should be "then."

It seems to have quite clever usage of words and I like the rhythm to it too and the way some of the lines are separated.

[Bunx]

Unicorn I made some edits i hope you get the deeper meaning and story behind this poem

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I do now, and I don't really have much more critique to say. I really enjoyed it, thankyou

[Bunx]

haha thanks unicorn! this poem was pretty pleasing to get out.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Witches, what can you take out of them?
The pastor spoke, with words
not thought just invoked.
Children listening with intent,
hatred a feeling, I never forget.

We started off our young love
at bible camp.
Why the junking slits
was I singing? When
I could have just sung to you?


Amanda, we were so young and innocent.
A system only using pipes to vent:
you have sent me on this
epic quest. To be pure.
Born again, renewed.

I like this above it ties together fairly well

We started off our relationship,
with your two moms. Not
to mention a sinking woodpecker.
You wanted more. A husband,
money a protector.
seems like there should be a comma between money and a protector
God I should have just slept with her.

We sat at hastings, I felt so nervous.
After all of those years wanting to
see you again. I helped your hand
and grabbed it before your tears began.

Then I was not ready, girl. Your God and
G-Sus is crazy. So are you currently
Amanda. Why did you have to marry
the next boy after me. Than, never talk
to me again?

It seems like a poem of a lost love, and ties together throughout the piece. The only thing I didnt get was the "God I should have just slept with her" seems like your saying if you just slept with her everything wouldve turned out right. It seems like a good line it just seems out of place to me where its at.

[Bunx]

Witches, what can you take out of them?
The pastor spoke, with words
not thought just invoked.
Children listening with intent,
hatred a feeling, I never forget.

We started off our young love
at bible camp.
Why the junking slits
was I singing? When
I could have just sung to you?

Amanda, we were so young and innocent.
A system only using pipes to vent:
you have sent me on this
epic quest. To be pure.
Born again, renewed.

We started off our relationship,
with your two moms. Not
to mention a sinking woodpecker.
You wanted more. A husband,
money, a protector. God I
should have just slept with her.
As if it would the spur.

We sat at hastings, I felt so nervous.
After all of those years wanting to
see you again. I helped your hand
and grabbed it before your tears began.

Then I was not ready, girl. Your God and
G-Sus is crazy. So are you currently
Amanda. Why did you have to marry
the next boy after me. Than, never talk
to me again?

I miss you.

---

added a line and a comma. thanks for the positive feedback!

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Witches, what can you take out of them?
The pastor spoke, with words
not thought just invoked.
Children listening with intent,
hatred a feeling, I never forget.

We started off our young love
at bible camp.
Why the junking slits
was I singing? When
I could have just sung to you?

Amanda, we were so young and innocent.
A system only using pipes to vent:
you have sent me on this
epic quest. To be pure.
Born again, renewed.

We started off our relationship,
with your two moms. Not
to mention a sinking woodpecker.
You wanted more. A husband,
money, a protector. God I
should have just slept with her.
As if it would the spur.

We sat at hastings, I felt so nervous.
After all of those years wanting to
see you again. I helped your hand
and grabbed it before your tears began.

Then I was not ready, girl. Your God and
G-Sus is crazy. So are you currently
Amanda. Why did you have to marry
the next boy after me. Than, never talk
to me again?

I miss you.

---

added a line and a comma. thanks for the positive feedback!

I like it, gives more to the piece imo.

[Bunx]

mr kitchens, thanks for the feedback. here is another edit at the top

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Witches, what can you take out of them?
The pastor spoke, with words
not thought just invoked.
Children listening with intent,
hatred a feeling, I never forget.

We started off our young love
at bible camp.
Why the junking slits
was I singing? When
I could have just sung to you?

Amanda, we were so young and innocent.
A system only using pipes to vent:
you have sent me on this
epic quest. To be pure.
Born again, renewed.

We started off our relationship,
with your two moms. Not
to mention a sinking woodpecker.
You wanted more. A husband,
money a protector. God I
should have just slept with her.

Not that that would do, anything.
It would make me miss you more,
than more again. God if love
was more than skin. I would have
won your goal.
We sat at hastings, I felt so nervous.
After all of those years wanting to
see you again. I helped your hand
and grabbed it before your tears began.

Then I was not ready, girl. Your God and
G-Sus is crazy. So are you currently
Amanda. Why did you have to marry
the next boy after me. Than, never talk
to me again?

I miss you.

Not that that would do, anything.
It would make me miss you more,
than more again. God if love
was more than skin. I would have
won your goal.

I like it, I think if you lost "than more again" it'd flow better.

[Bunx]

lost it. and added. man poetry is a drug