Murder Scene

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Inside the room there is a table
no window, only a door

grotesquely cut along the face
There is a mark on the cheek
that looks like a figure eight

The second body is just there,
sprawled in the floor.
A great roar liken to an industrial fan
causes the room to vibrate,
there is a box on the carpet
shiny and brilliant

The blood begins to cake a little
The box seems out of place

[Leanne]

Hi R.C., you have an interesting flavour to your writing that I hope you develop. You have some nice little internal rhymes running through this. The biggest problem is superfluous words, e.g. instead of "there is not a window in the room, only a door", you might think about "no window, only a door", which says just as much with less words. Similarly, there's no real point to "only it lightly resembles one" and all the repetitions of "in the floor".

Good debut, welcome to the forum (and thanks for leaving feedback around the place!)

[billy]

hi RC

first of all thanks for the two pieces of solid feedback before posting your poem.

i've only one piece of constructive feedback; in places it's a little wordy in lines 3, 4, and ten. they could be more concise.

i like how the poems leaves an impression simply because we know nothing of the killer or the corpse, though it feels like i should know. did you mean sprawled?

Inside the room there is a table
There is not a window in the room, only a door

One of the bodies is grotesquely cut along the face
There is a mark on the cheek that looks like a figure eight
only it lightly resembles one.
The second body is just there, scrawled in the floor.
A great roar liken to an industrial fan
causes the room to vibrate,
there is a box in the floor
It is metal
shiny and brilliant

The blood in the floor begins to cake a little
The box in the floor seems out of place

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Leanne I appreciate the feedback. I took your advice and switched a few things. Thanks for the help, if you get a chance read it, I think you might like it better now.

Billy I appreciate the feedback. I did mean for that word to be sprawled. I dont know where the other word come from it didnt work as good as sprawled did so I change it and shortened up the lengthy lines.
I think it might fit better now. I like to leave room for the imagination to play a bit so I left it simple and short.

Thanks again

[Leanne]

Rather than "liken to", the phrase should be "like unto", which is archaic and I'd be tempted to leave it out.

Otherwise, some really good edits, well done

[billy]

much tighter, now it has a more darker quality to it
it looks like you covered all the bases. good edit

[milo]

Rather than "liken to", the phrase should be "like unto", which is archaic and I'd be tempted to leave it out.

Otherwise, some really good edits, well done

what about :

a great roar, lichen too, an industrial fan, etc

?

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Rather than "liken to", the phrase should be "like unto", which is archaic and I'd be tempted to leave it out.

Otherwise, some really good edits, well done

what about :

a great roar, lichen too, an industrial fan, etc

?

I appreciate your feedback. I thought "lichen" is a plant life.

[milo]

Rather than "liken to", the phrase should be "like unto", which is archaic and I'd be tempted to leave it out.

Otherwise, some really good edits, well done

what about :

a great roar, lichen too, an industrial fan, etc

?

I appreciate your feedback. I thought "lichen" is a plant life.

more fungus than plant life, yah. It could be like a list of weird things going on in this room:

a great roar, lichen too, an industrial fan, etc.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

what about :

a great roar, lichen too, an industrial fan, etc

?

I appreciate your feedback. I thought "lichen" is a plant life.

more fungus than plant life, yah. It could be like a list of weird things going on in this room:

a great roar, lichen too, an industrial fan, etc.

I'll Try it out,see how it looks.

[milo]

I appreciate your feedback. I thought "lichen" is a plant life.

more fungus than plant life, yah. It could be like a list of weird things going on in this room:

a great roar, lichen too, an industrial fan, etc.

I'll Try it out,see how it looks.

crap, this is what happens when I fail to use winky emotiocons!! It was just a humorous way of looking at what you wrote, only constructive in that you would be able to see it yourself.