the starting line

[ernestgoodwell]

hi i'm really new but i enjoy writing poems

please offer any help its much appreciated:

the starting line...

I am standing at the edge of everything,
im stepping bewildered into myself,
i am searching out the details of my entire soul,
my entire self, the pinnicle of my purpose,
i am ill content and i will allways be so,
there is by far enough to taste and much to love,
ive a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core,

i and staring blindly into brightness that i cannot understand,
i am eternally at ease ,
i will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorace ,
i hold destiny within my hand,
i can do with it what i please,
i am free by my own will,
i am ultimately grateful...

[rowens]

Do you want it to be one long sentence with only the first "I" capitalized? There are some spelling errors. I might can say something more later. If you don't catch the errors, I can point them out.

[ernestgoodwell]

thanks looking back ive copied and pasted the wrong version this is my rough ten minute draught before i went back through in the other versin the i's where capitolised

[rowens]

You can edit the post. Add the right version.

[serge gurkski]

hi i'm really new but i enjoy writing poems

please offer any help its much appreciated:

the starting line...

I am standing at the edge of everything,
im stepping bewildered into myself,
i am searching out the details of my entire soul,
my entire self, the pinnicle of my purpose,
i am ill content and i will allways be so,
there is by far enough to taste and much to love,
ive a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core,

i and staring blindly into brightness that i cannot understand,
i am eternally at ease ,
i will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorace ,
i hold destiny within my hand,
i can do with it what i please,
i am free by my own will,
i am ultimately grateful...

welcome and cheers,

The Starting Line

I am standing at the edge of everything,
I am stepping bewildered into myself,
I am searching out the details of my entire soul,
my entire self, the pinnacle of my purpose,
I am ill-content and I will always be so.

There is by far enough to taste and much to love,
I have a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core:

I am staring blindly into brightness that I cannot understand,
I am eternally at ease.
I will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorance.
I hold destiny within my hand.

I can do with it what I please:
I am free by my own will,
I am ultimately grateful...

--
If you had the kindness to post your post like this, I might have felt inclined to consider it. ;-)

Kids, what's wrong?
(Writing is NOT (for) fun).

It is for you, as I can see, but ...
to whose benefit?

You have good lines. why waste them needlessly? are you suicidal?

serge, mild and meek.

cheers!

---

"The Starting Line

I am standing at the edge of everything,
I am stepping bewildered into myself,
I am searching out the details of my entire soul,
my entire self, the pinnacle of my purpose,
I am ill-content and I will always be so.

There is by far enough to taste and much to love,
I have a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core:

I am staring blindly into brightness that I cannot understand,
I am eternally at ease.
I will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorance.
I hold destiny within my hand.

I can do with it what I please:
I am free by my own will,
I am ultimately grateful..."

Very promising. Please, keep on posting, Ernest :-)

---

this line here:
"I can do with it what I please:"

I'd change to: I can do with it AS I please ...

[ernestgoodwell]

Thanks for the changes, and no i am certainly not suicidal. Thank you for the compliment. It was a first attempt at poetry really and I was trying to reflect on the idea of having control of ones destiny. does that theme come through to you alright? As for the spelling mistakes, i'm sorry. i posted the rough draft by accident but i will leave it as your correction as i prefer your use of form.

[serge gurkski]

it comes through very well, but maybe only to me. ;-) see, I don't care but I want you here because you are good and don't spoil it just bc of misspellings. ok? ;-)

your's

---

draft by accident. slaps. ;-)
Just how low do you think of this place to post like this. shit.
come on man

[ernestgoodwell]

thanks, man ill watch out next time.

[serge gurkski]

I will

[samneri]

I liked reading your poem. I specially like the part that says: "there is by far enough to taste and much to love, ive a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core". I'm afraid I can't give you a deepest and professional feedback, but I hope you keep writing like this!

[ernestgoodwell]

Thank you very much. I'm very grateful.

[milo]

The first person reminder gets tedious quick. Also, what does 'entire' add that we wouldn't get from soul? I understand poets are self-absorbed but you could easily trim like this:

I am standing at the edge of everything,
stepping bewildered into myself,
searching out the details of my soul,
my self, the pinnacle of my purpose,
ill-content and always so,
there is by far enough to taste and much to love,
a journey to make alone that excites me to my core,

I am staring blindly into brightness that i cannot understand,
eternally at ease ,
not allowing myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorance ,
holding destiny within my hand,
doing with it what i please,
free by my own will,
ultimately grateful...

[ernestgoodwell]

thanks man

---

revised version

The Starting Line

"I am standing at the edge of everything,
I am stepping bewildered into myself,
I am searching out the details of my soul,
my entire self, the pinnacle of my purpose,
I am ill-content and I will always be so.

There is by far enough to taste, enough to love.

I have a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core:

I am staring blindly into brightness that I cannot understand,
I am eternally at ease.
I will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorance.
I hold destiny within my hand.

I can do with it as I please:
I am free by my own will,
I am ultimately grateful..."

---

The Starting Line

"I am standing at the edge of everything,
Stepping bewildered into myself,
I am searching out the details of my soul,
my entire self, the pinnacle of my purpose,
I am ill-content and will always be so.

There is by far enough to taste and much to love,
I have a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core:

Staring blindly into brightness that I cannot understand,
I am eternally at ease.
I will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorance.
I hold destiny within my hand.

I can do with life as I please:
freed by my own will,
I am ultimately grateful..."


what do people think of this version?

[billy]

feedback doesn't have to be deep or hard but it has to say why you like it, or a particular part of it. say why you didn't like the other parts as much?
all we ask is that you/the members put something into your feedback other than a simple statement that says "i like it"

I liked reading your poem. I specially like the part that says: "there is by far enough to taste and much to love, ive a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core". I'm afraid I can't give you a deepest and professional feedback, but I hope you keep writing like this!