hi i'm really new but i enjoy writing poems

please offer any help its much appreciated:

the starting line...

I am standing at the edge of everything,
im stepping bewildered into myself,
i am searching out the details of my entire soul,
my entire self, the pinnicle of my purpose,
i am ill content and i will allways be so,
there is by far enough to taste and much to love,
ive a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core,

i and staring blindly into brightness that i cannot understand,
i am eternally at ease ,
i will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorace ,
i hold destiny within my hand,
i can do with it what i please,
i am free by my own will,
i am ultimately grateful...

Do you want it to be one long sentence with only the first "I" capitalized? There are some spelling errors. I might can say something more later. If you don't catch the errors, I can point them out.

thanks looking back ive copied and pasted the wrong version this is my rough ten minute draught before i went back through in the other versin the i's where capitolised

You can edit the post. Add the right version.

(05-31-2013, 06:56 AM)ernestgoodwell Wrote:  hi i'm really new but i enjoy writing poems

please offer any help its much appreciated:

the starting line...

I am standing at the edge of everything,
im stepping bewildered into myself,
i am searching out the details of my entire soul,
my entire self, the pinnicle of my purpose,
i am ill content and i will allways be so,
there is by far enough to taste and much to love,
ive a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core,

i and staring blindly into brightness that i cannot understand,
i am eternally at ease ,
i will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorace ,
i hold destiny within my hand,
i can do with it what i please,
i am free by my own will,
i am ultimately grateful...

welcome and cheers,

The Starting Line

I am standing at the edge of everything,
I am stepping bewildered into myself,
I am searching out the details of my entire soul,
my entire self, the pinnacle of my purpose,
I am ill-content and I will always be so.

There is by far enough to taste and much to love,
I have a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core:

I am staring blindly into brightness that I cannot understand,
I am eternally at ease.
I will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorance.
I hold destiny within my hand.

I can do with it what I please:
I am free by my own will,
I am ultimately grateful...

--
If you had the kindness to post your post like this, I might have felt inclined to consider it. ;-)

Kids, what's wrong?
(Writing is NOT (for) fun).

It is for you, as I can see, but ...
to whose benefit?

You have good lines. why waste them needlessly? are you suicidal?

serge, mild and meek.

cheers!

---

"The Starting Line

I am standing at the edge of everything,
I am stepping bewildered into myself,
I am searching out the details of my entire soul,
my entire self, the pinnacle of my purpose,
I am ill-content and I will always be so.

There is by far enough to taste and much to love,
I have a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core:

I am staring blindly into brightness that I cannot understand,
I am eternally at ease.
I will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorance.
I hold destiny within my hand.

I can do with it what I please:
I am free by my own will,
I am ultimately grateful..."

Very promising. Please, keep on posting, Ernest :-)

---

this line here:
"I can do with it what I please:"

I'd change to: I can do with it AS I please ...

Thanks for the changes, and no i am certainly not suicidal. Thank you for the compliment. It was a first attempt at poetry really and I was trying to reflect on the idea of having control of ones destiny. does that theme come through to you alright? As for the spelling mistakes, i'm sorry. i posted the rough draft by accident but i will leave it as your correction as i prefer your use of form.

it comes through very well, but maybe only to me. ;-) see, I don't care but I want you here because you are good and don't spoil it just bc of misspellings. ok? ;-)

your's

---

draft by accident. slaps. ;-)
Just how low do you think of this place to post like this. shit.
come on man

thanks, man ill watch out next time.

I will

I liked reading your poem. I specially like the part that says: "there is by far enough to taste and much to love, ive a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core". I'm afraid I can't give you a deepest and professional feedback, but I hope you keep writing like this!

Thank you very much. I'm very grateful.

The first person reminder gets tedious quick. Also, what does 'entire' add that we wouldn't get from soul? I understand poets are self-absorbed but you could easily trim like this:

I am standing at the edge of everything,
stepping bewildered into myself,
searching out the details of my soul,
my self, the pinnacle of my purpose,
ill-content and always so,
there is by far enough to taste and much to love,
a journey to make alone that excites me to my core,

I am staring blindly into brightness that i cannot understand,
eternally at ease ,
not allowing myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorance ,
holding destiny within my hand,
doing with it what i please,
free by my own will,
ultimately grateful...

thanks man

---

revised version

The Starting Line

"I am standing at the edge of everything,
I am stepping bewildered into myself,
I am searching out the details of my soul,
my entire self, the pinnacle of my purpose,
I am ill-content and I will always be so.

There is by far enough to taste, enough to love.

I have a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core:

I am staring blindly into brightness that I cannot understand,
I am eternally at ease.
I will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorance.
I hold destiny within my hand.

I can do with it as I please:
I am free by my own will,
I am ultimately grateful..."

---

The Starting Line

"I am standing at the edge of everything,
Stepping bewildered into myself,
I am searching out the details of my soul,
my entire self, the pinnacle of my purpose,
I am ill-content and will always be so.

There is by far enough to taste and much to love,
I have a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core:

Staring blindly into brightness that I cannot understand,
I am eternally at ease.
I will not allow myself to slip freely into the divine grace of ignorance.
I hold destiny within my hand.

I can do with life as I please:
freed by my own will,
I am ultimately grateful..."


what do people think of this version?

feedback doesn't have to be deep or hard but it has to say why you like it, or a particular part of it. say why you didn't like the other parts as much?
all we ask is that you/the members put something into your feedback other than a simple statement that says "i like it"

(06-02-2013, 01:56 AM)samneri Wrote:  I liked reading your poem. I specially like the part that says: "there is by far enough to taste and much to love, ive a journey to make alone and it excites me to my core". I'm afraid I can't give you a deepest and professional feedback, but I hope you keep writing like this!