mornings

[expiring_touch]

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger,
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting.
I wake up, slowly,
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day.
and it’s not just my shoulders
that feel discomfort
because the aircon has been turned too low
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawled
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate
all the spaces
that had once been yours.

[ThePinsir]

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger,
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting. me gusta
I wake up, slowly,
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day. is "slowly" twice really necessary?
and it’s not just my shoulders
that feel discomfort
because the aircon has been turned too low
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room. I like this, too.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawled
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate had to google "expropriate" ><
all the spaces
that had once been yours.

----

I was trying to draw some meaning form the "waking up in the mornings" bit...and the "because I'm Russian..." just threw me off. So, while I like the imagery quite a bit, I don't know what to make of the poem. Also, isn't Russia cold most of the year? Why'd you even have the a/c on, silly?

[johannat]

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger,
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting.
I wake up, slowly,
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day.
and it’s not just my shoulders
that feel discomfort
because the aircon has been turned too low
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawled
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate
all the spaces
that had once been yours.

I think your use of language is paradoxical. L2, "Fermenting between the folds of my conciousness, resurrecting" is a real thinker. I find it poetic. And then a few lines down, you abbreviate "air conditioning". It's kind of bizarre. I didn't find it bad by any means, I just thought the flow was..off. Rework it, it has potential!

[drithebee]

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger,Interesting choice to begin with a question
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting.great word choice here
I wake up, slowly,
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day. love the use of 'glare'
and it’s not just my shoulders
that feel discomfort I feel like this line needs some punctuation
because the aircon has been turned too low using 'aircon' for air conditioning is distracting; it doesn't flow well
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawledI love the last four lines here. the structure and spacing is well thought out
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate
all the spaces
that had once been yours.

I enjoy how the lines of the poem have a rhythm between long and short. It is eye catching and it stimulates the audience through the poem.

[Orion]

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger,
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting.
I wake up, slowly, Slowly, slowly?
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day.
and it’s not just my shoulders
that feel discomfortThese two lines seem good. Could use punctuation, though.
because the aircon has been turned too low > I could understand this, if it was in a metaphorical or symbolic way. Though, most of the time Russia is cold.
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawled
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate > Seriously?
all the spaces
that had once been yours. > I like these last lines. It draws out the speaker, and also tells us the big, 'Why'.

[Jacob]

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger,
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting.
I wake up, slowly,
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day.
and it’s not just my shoulders I like the use of physical discomfort here to suggest a deeper pain , I would like to see this brought out some more because as it is now your shoulders seem to be a trivial point, but it has potential!!
that feel discomfort
because the aircon has been turned too low
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawled
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate Not that this is wrong-but I'm wondering why you capitalized "diagonally"? I like the sentence, but I'm brought to wonder,perhaps it's capitalized to emphasize poetic form or a sense of feeling "sideways", a kind of confusion?
all the spaces
that had once been yours.

---

I'm new to this poetry forum (subscribed today), I replied once with edits, hit enter, then found my cursor resting here, in the quick reply box. Is this for replying to the original poet poster without wanting the original text in the box as well?

[Blunt]

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger,
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting.
I wake up, slowly,
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day.
and it’s not just my shoulders
that feel discomfort
because the aircon has been turned too low
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawled
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate
all the spaces
that had once been yours.

While reading I thought I would really like to relate more. The use of specifics doesn't help. Everyone feels like their rooms could be bigger, but not everyone's shoulders hurt in the morning. Mine is my back. - So if it's a poem about mornings, everyones, it would really hit home if it were about everyone's.

But then you get to the end, and it's really about you and a russian joke. It would be cool to lead up to that line more. Hint at how you're sprawled across the bed earlier. keep the tone similar to the end, and surprise the reader with the punchline.

[Graystar]

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger,
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting. Needs ?
I wake up, slowly,
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day. Instead of another slowly perhaps a different word: stretching, or victim or enemy of the unforgiving glare, it would keep with your great use of words.
and it’s not just my shoulders
that feel discomfort
because the aircon has been turned too low
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawled
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate No capital D. Excellent that diagonally comes on the next line. 'Because' is weak, rework.
all the spaces
that had once been yours. Hooray!

Hi,
I am curious, have you a new version of this poem? I agree with the others, your poem has great potential. May I suggest a different title? "Waking"

[lachaser33]

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger,
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting.
I wake up, slowly,
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day.
and it’s not just my shoulders
that feel discomfort
because the aircon has been turned too low
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawled
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate
all the spaces
that had once been yours.

I enjoyed the phrase "folds of my consciousness". I've never thought of consciousness in that way and I found it intriguing.
Like others have said "aircon" really doesn't fit in with the language of the poem and you should just say "air conditioning".

Overall I like the theme of the poem. I also enjoy how we don't find out why mornings are so painful until the end of the poem. Good work!

[billy]

remove anything that doesn't add to the poem, use a few similie or metaphor instead of saying words like, slowly etc or add them after words like linger and hurt; it hurts like...or it lingers like(a bad fart)
use poetic devices where you can, alliteration, consonance etc.
I’m Russian and I like to expropriate
all the spaces
that had once been yours.
the above was a good end (it didn't need the 'because')
it tied up the hurt and linger line well.

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger, is the [or better] really needed? it feels a little off a suggestion is [Why does it hurt so much, why does it linger?] also, is [so much needed?] would an image work better
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting. i like this line. it gives the image of a brain coming alive
I wake up, slowly, [slowly] isn't showing us anything a suggestion, would be, i wake up like...[use a simile or metaphor here] leviathion or Lazerus etc.
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day.
and it’s not just my shoulders no need for [and]
that feel discomfort
because the aircon has been turned too low no need for [because]
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawled [was] not [is], is is present tense, your body can't still be in bed now you've left it
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate
all the spaces
that had once been yours.

[Keaner222]

Why does it hurt so much? Or better – why does it linger,
Fermenting between the folds of my consciousness, resurrecting.
I wake up, slowly,
slowly to the unforgiving glare of a new day.
and it’s not just my shoulders
that feel discomfort
because the aircon has been turned too low
and there’s no hiding from it in my small room.
I stumble from my bed, where my body is sprawled
Diagonally. Because I’m Russian and I like to expropriate
all the spaces
that had once been yours.

I loved the vernacular in the beginning , but then towards the end you use modern things like air-conditioning. I think if you could change that and your formatting of the lines it would be much improved

[nhanna1223]

My eyes kept stopping at aircon, and shifted between the two slowly's.