Tombs

[Humbert]

Darkness bore the land, fertile and dank:
A cavernous tomb with potential and waste.
Yet life is suspended in crypts far below,
Where blood will run free and to other worlds flow.
No place more secure in the world exists: in life, in thought – in bliss;
For one of the three may reside in this land:
A graveyard in cycle with the turn of a hand.

One day a great force will split open the sky,
And down from above with a thunderous cry,
Sin will be seen for the very first time
By the land that was pure in its stillness and prime,
Followed by rain like the showers of spring,
Not promising much, but surely the same:
Flowers will grow and a fruit they will bare,
So sweet to the taste that only one dares.
For the origin of dreams do lie in the seeds,
Writhing and seething ‘til life gives release.

Thus pain is born, and happiness too;
I reckon that many prefer the dark tombs.

[cidermaid]

Hi Humbert,
You have been leaving some great feedback has been left for others

Althought the overal thought progression and story was obvious enough to my read, I felt that you had spent a lot of effort and words in the first stanza that could be either better expressed or even actually ommitted.
For me the poem began to unpack what I percieved to be your intended core message / image in the second stanza. The first stanza reads clunky, abstract and halting as if you were struggling to get into your text and fishing for the right words.
Some line by line below

Darkness bore the land, fertile and dank: This needs better clarification - did you mean darkness gave birth to the land, carried the land or as the literal meaning made a hole in the land? I could read this as a "In the begining..." intro but I'm not sure and for readers without that leaning in mind it is too vuage. My understanding of what I thought you were aiming for arrived at:- The land, dark, fertile and dank emerged;
A cavernous tomb with potential and waste.
Yet life is suspended in crypts far below, Is yet needed?
Where blood will run free and to other worlds flow. Watch out for those creeping capital letters at the start of each line! Also this is a bit strained in terms of syntax (and to the other worlds - yoda ish... and flow to other worlds. But having offered these comments, I think from this line on, the abstract ideas come thick and fast. Were you aiming at an imige of the blood held captive or did you mean the blood will freely flow (as in rivers or streams) and hang on what other worlds? the reader needs more lead in for this idea...the dark world below? another plannet?
No place more secure in the world exists: in life, in thought – in bliss; What place...the other world? but as this is not nailed down, the confusion is mounting. I am able to extract enough info (from my own images gained from reading the second stanza)to get that you are talking about death in the line above, but then you tell me being in this other world aka death, is secure and that whilst I am dead i will have some
For one of the three may reside in this land: This reads to me like you are suggesting that "one of the three"...life / thought/ bliss exists seperatly from any other life forms...I know you are not suggesting this but the read is very confused by now and it is difficult to follow logic
A graveyard in cycle with the turn of a hand. No this line is just odd...a cycle between a graveyard and a hand? I think in your attempt to not use cliche it has just become silly.

I would suggest either a complete re-write of the first stanza or picking out a few ideas to strengthen and expand the other stanza.

One day a great force will split open the sky,
And down from above with a thunderous cry, and feels wrong here - perhaps try come
Sin will be seen for the very first time Sin is one of those words in the modern mindset that does not compute. It is a non word in terms of conveying an image. Evil or corruption might be stronger..personally i go with willful, bloodyminded corruption...but this is a bit wordy
By the land that was pure in its stillness and prime, by the land or a land?
Followed by rain like the showers of spring, Is followed correct for your thought progress or should this be with a following rain? Just asking.
Not promising much, but surely the same:
Flowers will grow and a fruit they will bare,
So sweet to the taste that only one dares.
For the origin of dreams do lie in the seeds, Yoda speak creeping in again!
Writhing and seething ‘til life gives release.

Thus pain is born, and happiness too; Thus is archaic perhaps - from this
I reckon that many prefer the dark tombs. reckon then is going too far into modern and sounds too abrupt in this line. I think ...or...although might work better.

Overall I think you have collected together some good ideas and thoughts that perhaps these just need a little more time and thought to be collated into what you wanted to convey.
All the best AJ.

[Humbert]

Thanks for the feedback I agree that the first stanza needs some serious work, and I'm glad you could give some. Would this whole poem become more obvious if I told you that it's about sex? The tombs being vaginas, the graveyard cyclically killingunborm eggs referring to menstruation, and the force being a penis, in which case the rain fertilizing the land for a "fruit" should make more sense. I used the word "sin" as a reference to sex. I suppose my intention was not for it to be obvious, though it should certainly be understandable. The last little couplet refers to a human birth, and that humans truly seek the safety of a womb they once had. I'll keep your comments in mind and try to make it more clear. Thank you

[cidermaid]

Nope...didn't even get close to picking any of your thoughts up from the text. Not a whisper. Looking at it now with your explanation I could perhaps see something in the writhing / seething line.

For me the wrong image is offered in the begining with the use of land - fumy /steamy / tropical /jungle / undergrowth or similar...land does not make me think of a fanny - even after you have told me this was what you intended.
As for the sin / sex thing - again this does not work for me unless you are going to introduce a sub story of forced sex, underage, forbidden or violence...since when was straighforward sex a sin? Rabid christian I might be, but it is my understanding that God is pretty infavour of good amount of healthy sex, so as I said the sin / sex image is not connecting even after the notes.
I think if you could sort out these two fundamental images, some of your other lines and ideas would be able to come to life. You have some good ideas.
Lastly as a suggestion to aid your future editing progress - I would not be so keen to share the spoiler notes so quickly or perhaps consider sending a pm. It is hard to give honest / unbias crit after reading an explanation and some people prefer not to read any spoiler notes. (You can correct this now if you want by editing your reply with a "Warning spoiler notes in this reply" or something similar and then people will be fairly advised).
Good luck with this one and any future writes.
All the best AJ.

[billy]

hi humbert, i read your response to AJ (hi AJ) and will kick off by saying, after a few reads, i can't see the allusion or any working metaphors to sex
i thought the poem was about god and death and life; mainly death.
be obsure and use ambiguity but give the reader a rock to see, and grab hold of.

somehow i never thought of a woman's vadge as a cavernous tomb.
though i do know the unflattering phrase "like throwing a sausage up a back a ally"

the understanding of the poem aside, there are some major problems with back to front language, (yodaspeak) and excess verbiage (words, all those small words that add nothing)

No place more secure in the world exists:
free and to other worlds flow.
and a fruit they will bare,

if you use rhyme aim for it to be as good as it can be.

Darkness bore the land, fertile and dank:
A cavernous tomb with potential and waste.
Yet life is suspended in crypts far below,
Where blood will run free and to other worlds flow.
No place more secure in the world exists: in life, in thought – in bliss;
For one of the three may reside in this land:
A graveyard in cycle with the turn of a hand.

One day a great force will split open the sky,
And down from above with a thunderous cry,
Sin will be seen for the very first time
By the land that was pure in its stillness and prime,
Followed by rain like the showers of spring,
Not promising much, but surely the same:
Flowers will grow and a fruit they will bare,
So sweet to the taste that only one dares.
For the origin of dreams do lie in the seeds,
Writhing and seething ‘til life gives release.

Thus pain is born, and happiness too;
I reckon that many prefer the dark tombs.

[Humbert]

My thought process was that a uterus is a lot like a tomb; every month a potential life is destroyed while blood flows to the outside world. The womb is the ultimate security because before birth it can be argued that we are ignorant to pain, at least mentally, in a sense of nirvana kind of way. This is also why I used the words "fertile" and "seeds."

That being said, I agree that Yoda speak is bad and that the rhymes were a bit forced, though I wanted some input before making some edits. I realize that tombs and graveyards aren't typically associated with the womb, but that was kind of the point. I'll mull it around in my head and try to make some changes. Thanks billy

---

Nope...didn't even get close to picking any of your thoughts up from the text. Not a whisper. Looking at it now with your explanation I could perhaps see something in the writhing / seething line.

For me the wrong image is offered in the begining with the use of land - fumy /steamy / tropical /jungle / undergrowth or similar...land does not make me think of a fanny - even after you have told me this was what you intended.
As for the sin / sex thing - again this does not work for me unless you are going to introduce a sub story of forced sex, underage, forbidden or violence...since when was straighforward sex a sin? Rabid christian I might be, but it is my understanding that God is pretty infavour of good amount of healthy sex, so as I said the sin / sex image is not connecting even after the notes.
I think if you could sort out these two fundamental images, some of your other lines and ideas would be able to come to life. You have some good ideas.
Lastly as a suggestion to aid your future editing progress - I would not be so keen to share the spoiler notes so quickly or perhaps consider sending a pm. It is hard to give honest / unbias crit after reading an explanation and some people prefer not to read any spoiler notes. (You can correct this now if you want by editing your reply with a "Warning spoiler notes in this reply" or something similar and then people will be fairly advised).
Good luck with this one and any future writes.
All the best AJ.

Somehow I saw this reply after Billy's hahahaha. I guess I never thought about spoiling my own poem, but I'll heed the advice in the future. I suppose you're right about the sin/ sex association, because there is no mention of pre-marriage. Thanks for the input! I'll keep it all in mind