New to poetry

[bella_di_moda]

Hey!
I'm pretty new to poetry apart from English Language class at school. I tend to just scribble my musings and go with it so I apologies if I write an absolute rubbish but I get good feedback of all the English teaching staff!

So please enjoy my work and be gentle with your words!
Thank you,
Pippa

---

Hey! Me again
So here's my first poem,

The Path to Enlightenment:
For many years I wandered,
Straying from the path and in to the deep and lush forest.

For many years I pondered,
Struggling to understand why the path was led and followed.

For many years I died,
Slandered by the lack of life that was found sown along the path.

But one year I illuminated,
Shining in the sweet glow of my reborn path.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you,
Pippa

[billy]

hi pippa it more helpful to be honest

first off, always try and title your poetry, it shows you've thought about it enough to name it, it's your child after all; imaging if mum had just called you "untitled" (actually that sound cooel but you see what i mean hopefully ) okay, i apologise, It's call the path to enlightenment (i think)
try and use only the words you need to use. take out any excessive word use.

it's repetitive in place (words like path)

but i like the four stages you go through to reach understanding, i think you could use a few images instead of just telling

For many years I wandered, like a piece of rogue kelp (try and add an image to each idea)

good effort

Hey!
I'm pretty new to poetry apart from English Language class at school. I tend to just scribble my musings and go with it so I apologies if I write an absolute rubbish but I get good feedback of all the English teaching staff!

So please enjoy my work and be gentle with your words!
Thank you,
Pippa

---

Hey! Me again
So here's my first poem,

The Path to Enlightenment:
For many years I wandered,
Straying from the path and in to the deep and lush forest.

For many years I pondered,
Struggling to understand why the path was led and followed.

For many years I died,
Slandered by the lack of life that was found sown along the path.

But one year I illuminated,
Shining in the sweet glow of my reborn path.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you,
Pippa

[bella_di_moda]

Hi,
Thanks so much for your help!
Will be posting a re-edited version soon!

hi pippa it more helpful to be honest

first off, always try and title your poetry, it shows you've thought about it enough to name it, it's your child after all; imaging if mum had just called you "untitled" (actually that sound cooel but you see what i mean hopefully ) okay, i apologise, It's call the path to enlightenment (i think)
try and use only the words you need to use. take out any excessive word use.

it's repetitive in place (words like path)

but i like the four stages you go through to reach understanding, i think you could use a few images instead of just telling

For many years I wandered, like a piece of rogue kelp (try and add an image to each idea)

good effort

Hey!
I'm pretty new to poetry apart from English Language class at school. I tend to just scribble my musings and go with it so I apologies if I write an absolute rubbish but I get good feedback of all the English teaching staff!

So please enjoy my work and be gentle with your words!
Thank you,
Pippa

---

Hey! Me again
So here's my first poem,

The Path to Enlightenment:
For many years I wandered,
Straying from the path and in to the deep and lush forest.

For many years I pondered,
Struggling to understand why the path was led and followed.

For many years I died,
Slandered by the lack of life that was found sown along the path.

But one year I illuminated,
Shining in the sweet glow of my reborn path.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you,
Pippa

---

The new and improved version, consider this a 2.0.

The Path to Enlightenment

For many years I wandered like a homeless man seeking shelter,
Straying from the path and into the dark forest.

For many years I pondered like a child confused in the world,
Struggling to understand why others followed.

For many years I died like a sufferer longing for the end,
Slandered by the lack of life sown along there.

But one year I illuminated,
Shining in the glow of my reborn path
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I still don't feel that this is the final version but enjoy,
Pippa

[Magpie]

Hi Pippa,
Firstly I must say that this is a very good first edit, you took the advice given and went and improved your poem immensely, and I notice that you don't even consider it to be the final version, which is an excellent attitude to have.
One small thing before I go on, when posting an edited version of a poem it is best to post the revised version first at the top of the page followed by the original

As regards your poem, the only thing I will mention is the line
"For many years I died like a sufferer longing for the end" which seems perhaps a bit ambiguous, and even though I appreciate that it is a metaphorical death, if you had died you couldn't be longing for the end. If that makes any sense, I think I've confused myself there a bit.
The rest of the images you have used work well and have given a lot more depth than what the original poem had.
Good stuff, thanks for the read.
AR

[bella_di_moda]

Hey!
Thank you very much! I feel that this poem still has a way to go but thanks for your help and advice with posting!

Pippa

Hi Pippa,
Firstly I must say that this is a very good first edit, you took the advice given and went and improved your poem immensely, and I notice that you don't even consider it to be the final version, which is an excellent attitude to have.
One small thing before I go on, when posting an edited version of a poem it is best to post the revised version first at the top of the page followed by the original

As regards your poem, the only thing I will mention is the line
"For many years I died like a sufferer longing for the end" which seems perhaps a bit ambiguous, and even though I appreciate that it is a metaphorical death, if you had died you couldn't be longing for the end. If that makes any sense, I think I've confused myself there a bit.
The rest of the images you have used work well and have given a lot more depth than what the original poem had.
Good stuff, thanks for the read.
AR