Edited poem

[Brownlie]

Auditory hallucinations:

Garbled words.
static sounds.
shadows

the sibilance of waves
clapping and hissing

scars
bleed

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Tinkered with a poem I posted earlier. I considered the comments made earlier. I don't know if I accomplished anything here so I would like some feedback. Thank you for anyone who takes the time to read.

[milo]

Hello Brownlie

Faintly in the distance I hear the sound of garbled words. I would think either 'faintly ' or 'in the distance' would have the same effect. Especially with 'garbled' on deck.
I drink in whispered melodies issuing catalytic static sounds. there are some sever problems with this line. the overmodification is probably the biggest. Second, melodies don't /issue/ sounds. melodies are composed /of/ sounds, the distinction reads hackneyed. This line is pretty much "I hear melodies"
Sweet shadows causing me to revel in my mythic dreams. once again, the modification is just not working at all. "sweet" adds nothing to shadows. "mythic" doesn't really add to dreams which are already mythic. and the passive voice makes it all read very contrived. Also, at this point, you keep introducing more elements without ever bringing the reader into your own little private world. What is up with all of the shadows/sounds/voices, etc. I don't know anything at all about the narrator, the target audience or the setting yet.

It’s like a lottery that promised me in advertising that I could be free. WHAT is like a lottery? also, 'in advertising' is pointless and 'that I could be free' is weak
Free from mooring loneliness that has long forsaken the warmth of flesh. Once again, you have moved onto something else and now it is the abstraction of loneliness. 'forsaken the warmth of flesh' is faux-poeticism at its worst.

My addled brain surges with excess dopamine. you have skipped an article needlessly. If you used the correct verb you could easily skip the excess of 'addled'
Charging objective sounds in my synapses I don't know what objective sounds are or if they are different from the melodies, the voices or the catalytic sounds from earlier.
Electrifying a sound as simple as the sibilance of waves now you 'electrifying' to your mess of overmodification. So far, "sibilance of waves' is literally the only thing I have read that is at all interesting or salvageable.
Transforming the rhythmic clapping and hissing into a snake. where on earth did the rhythmic clapping and hissing come from?
In this way my brain has molded oblique sounds to fructified dreams. "oblique', fructified' I would recommend you try stripping every single adjective out and see what you actually have to say first .

In Carpe Diem fashion I fear "Time's winged Chariot Drawing near." I would also recommend you re-write using all active voice to see what is actually happening in here.
The galloping hooves of Apollo's gelded steeds. This is a fragment. I suppose it is another sound to add to our ever burgeoning 'sound salad'
Trampling my impotent dreams. This is another fragment. The only thing I can get is that the introduction of the sun god ruined your wet dream but I have no idea why we have pseudo sexuality introduced at this point

Somewhere in my mind I see a silhouette in the distance "somewhere in my mind' is very weak and wordy. Also, it isn't really both in your miind and in the distance. In addition, 'in the distance' is about as general as you can get.
And this vague form of a woman is enough for me to form my fantasies. Now you introduce your wet dream but it is a little late.
Each note that I wish true tenders forgotten sundry dreams. the whole thing is a remembrance of dreams and now you want to introduce forgotten dreams? and what exactly is sundry doing here?

In desperate delusions I pick away at scabs that were thickened scars
I pick away until they bleed
Singing songs to succor loneliness and skin away the dried up blood and pick again this wound anew.

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Tinkered with a poem I posted earlier. I considered the comments made earlier. I don't know if I accomplished anything here so I would like some feedback. Thank you for anyone who takes the time to read.

The poem doesn't work. The verbiage is forced and contrived. The narrative is unclear and by that I don't mean I don't 'get' it I mean it is not good. The over modification/ passive voice/ poor word choice rends the whole effort a chore to read. I would go through word by word and strip every single modification out, re write it in active voice saying exactly what you want to say and then return to trying to 'make' it poetic. Your attempt to produce imagery has had the opposite effect of eliminating all semblance of clear imagery.

Still, thanks for posting

Good luck with it.

Cheers!

milo

[Brownlie]

Thank you Milo I value your opinion. Your comments are actually pretty funny. Myths and dreams are different though.

[milo]

Thank you Milo I value your opinion. Your comments are actually pretty funny. Myths and dreams are different though.

Of course they are different, although they are both abstract and general which aren't really additives in a description. I think there is enough abstraction and /implied/ mythos in dreams to benefit from not including both.

[tectak]

Thank you Milo I value your opinion. Your comments are actually pretty funny. Myths and dreams are different though.

Of course they are different, although they are both abstract and general which aren't really additives in a description. I think there is enough abstraction and /implied/ mythos in dreams to benefit from not including both.

I thank you too, milo. I value your opinion as my own.
Nothing to add.
Best both,
tectak

[billy]

i see this is an edit; if possible, post the edit above the original so we can compare them

i just looked at the original. it feels you've gone from one extreme to the other. there doesn't seem to be enough meat on the bone to feed the reader a poem. at present it's too list-like and very hard to take in.

Auditory hallucinations:

Garbled words.
static sounds.
shadows

the sibilance of waves
clapping and hissing

scars i can't make these two lines work
bleed

---

Tinkered with a poem I posted earlier. I considered the comments made earlier. I don't know if I accomplished anything here so I would like some feedback. Thank you for anyone who takes the time to read.