To Ian Curtis

[heslopian]

The bleakness of your vision came through
like starlight on an empty suburb.
If music opens a channel to God
your message of despair, each note a screw
on a pharisees' thumb, but a gentle breeze
in my ears, would have made Him close His eyes.

I'd lay on my bed at night and play your albums;
it was like being alone in space.
You were just a punk with an attitude
but you spoke to me, and something in your songs
transcended nihilism, as though sadness
is its own reward, a dignity during chaos.

[soonforgotten?]

The bleakness of your vision came through in lines
like starlight maybe it's because I overused it myself... but getting a bit tired of starlight at this point. What about streetlights? on an empty suburb.
If music opens a channel to God
your message of despair, each note a screw
on a Pharisees' thumb Are you talking about this: ‘When a man encloses his thumb in his fist he simulates a pregnant woman, and they, the spirits, do not harm him.’? Normally I like poems that make me fetch an encyclopaedia, but this time not even that helped me..., but a gentle breeze
in my ears I would be careful with this, because it gives the impression that you are placing yourself opposite to God - is that what you wanted to achieve?, would have made Him close His eyes. The 3rd, 4th, and last lines of this stanza come together beautifully.

I'd lay on my bed at night and play your albums I dislike "albums" because it fixes the poem in time and space.. but that could just be me, I tend to think that words such as these ruin the aesthetics of an otherwise timeless poem and ;
it was like being alone in space.
You were just a punk with an attitude
but you spoke to me, and something in your songs
transcended nihilism, as though sadness
is its own reward - Fucking beautiful! you just justified the existence of nihilist music, art, and literature., a dignity during chaos. I think the end (last four words) is a bit weak, I would like an ending that sticks, uncomfortably like a Joy Division song...

Thank you for reminding me of my own years as a punk rock aficionada

[ray]

I'd suggest cutting "in lines" from line 1.

If music opens a channel to God
your message of despair, each note a screw
on a Pharisees' thumb, but a gentle breeze
in my ears, would have made Him close His eyes.

but a gentle breeze in my ears, - the passage would be better without this, it feels like too much qualification somehow.

I'd lay on my bed at night and play your albums; - the weakest line by far. I'd be more specific, a particular song, maybe.

"that spoke to me" is more succinct.

as though sadness
is its own reward, a dignity during chaos - very good ending, best part of the poem.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind, thoughtful and in-depth critique, soonforgotten and ray, it's greatly appreciated

soonforgotten - The Pharisee's thumb line isn't a reference to anything. I've realised now that I shouldn't have capitalised pharisee, because in its lower case form it means, to quote dictionary.com, "a sanctimonious, self-righteous, or hypocritical person", which is the meaning I wanted. I'll edit that in a moment. In that line I wanted to convey the idea that Ian Curtis' music would be torture to self-righteous people, or those who have rigid, old-fashioned ideas about music.
It was not my intention to place myself opposite to God, so that's slightly embarrassing I'm not a narcissist, I swear

ray - I agree with you about "in lines". I'll edit that out.