Seductress

[C.M.C.]

Seductress
Deadly the seductress
clothed in white.
Blood’s underneath snow.
She is hell.

Fangs beneath sweet lips:
such a sight.
Sickness within this flesh
where she dwells.

I break from her beauty.
Mind now pure
I my great protector.
shields my eyes.

Death of the pale temptress.
Broken lure.
I embrace my soul with
sin denied.

Succubus (edit)
Succubus, the soul eating thief!
Disguised in the most brilliant white.
Trace the trail of blood through the snow.
Surprised by beauty that befell.

There’s desire in her crimson lips.
But instinct tells me to take flight.
I see not the trap within flesh,
the body where this evil dwells.

Babbling fool, till I break away.
My mind has returned with thoughts pure.
My thin veil of understanding,
it shielded my easy fooled eyes.

This pale temptress has been subdued
with a broken soul snaring lure.
Held my soul, like mother with child.
The battle won, temptress denied.

[Brownlie]

Seductress
Deadly the seductress
clothed in white.
Blood’s underneath snow.
She is hell. -- hell is a vague word

Fangs beneath sweet lips: --- maybe be mroe specific than fangs
such a sight.
Sickness within this flesh --- Sickness? what kind of sickness
where she dwells.

I break from her beauty.
Mind now pure
I my great protector. ---still seems vague
shields my eyes.

Death of the pale temptress.
Broken lure.
I embrace my soul with
sin denied.

I think this poem would benefit from more detail. The idea of a temptress is general and not necessarily presenting readers with something new.

[C.M.C.]

Yeah, I getcha'. I'll mess around with it and post the edit when I'm done.

---

Okay, edited and ready for some more critique!

[tectak]

Seductress
Hi CMC,
I read this with an element of suspicion. It seems to be deliberately misleading...which is paradoxically misleading in itself. This vagueness not only saturates the content but also the word choice at molecular level. Having read it three times I base my crit on knowledge of your previous efforts...so with caution, then, a line by line.

Deadly the seductress
clothed in white.You begin with a non-sentence in which you appear to name a seductress "Deadly", rather like Popeye the Sailor. I see no advantage in this clipped beginning.
Blood’s underneath snow.Again, surely " Blood is 'neath snow"would be a improvement, with no change in count. It is just to unclear, even then. You have clicked the shutter on you mind's eye camera but not shown us the picture. Only you have seen it. Tell me more. Please.
She is hell.Are you telling the reader this as an adjunct to what has gone before or are you aware of the fact that this reader has no idea at all what the first stanza is about. To give more information of an enigmatic nature to add to the already puzzling beginning is not helpful.

Fangs beneath sweet lips:OK. Start again. A surely horrific and soul trembling image. Fangs, no less. Sharp, pointed, glistening with saliva, threatening flesh-tearing, excruciatingly painful injury. Blood red, full lips, curled back....Oh! How to describe this terrifying image....I cannot wait for the next line!
such a sight.Yep. That does it.
Sickness within this flesh
where she dwells.Back to the non-sentence and, sorry, a disconnect. How do we transport our though processes to here (living in supporating flesh) from there (Pointy toothed, white-clad, sensuous seductress)? I don't. You force me to give up.

I break from her beauty. I really want to see what you see but you have given me false information. What is this thing called beauty that bears its teeth and lives in rotting flesh. Metaphorically you are adrift on a sea of self-indulgence. You MUST invite reader on board. I am drowning here
Mind now pure
I my great protector.
shields my eyes.Read this line and tell me it is fine with you as it is.

Death of the pale temptress.
Broken lure.
I embrace my soul with
sin denied.I have left the building.

Round 2...FIGHT!
Deadly the seductress
clothed in plain white.
Blood’s underneath snow.
Beauty befell.

Desire in sweet lips:
But somehow a fright. No capital after a colon. In fact, no colon, really
Regret within her flesh
where her kind dwells.

I break from her beauty.
Mind now pure
But just a thin veil by inconsistency you show incompetancy. Why capitaise "but" and not "shields"?
shields my sore eyes.

Death of the pale temptress.
I break her lure.
I embrace my soul with
temptation denied.

(I feel like this is a step up!)

Though I appreciate you efforts in coralling this one, I just cannot sit on its back for more than a second or two before I am tossed off by its wild cavorting. The second "revision" (is that what it is?) above is a little more controlled but is incongruously titled "Fight". What ARE you trying to say? I am glad you feel, though, that it is a step up. I would like to feel likewise.
Too vague and pretentious. We all do it, sometimes.
Best,
tectak

[C.M.C.]

Seductress
Hi CMC,
I read this with an element of suspicion. It seems to be deliberately misleading...which is paradoxically misleading in itself. This vagueness not only saturates the content but also the word choice at molecular level. Having read it three times I base my crit on knowledge of your previous efforts...so with caution, then, a line by line.

Deadly the seductress
clothed in white.You begin with a non-sentence in which you appear to name a seductress "Deadly", rather like Popeye the Sailor. I see no advantage in this clipped beginning.
Blood’s underneath snow.Again, surely " Blood is 'neath snow"would be a improvement, with no change in count. It is just to unclear, even then. You have clicked the shutter on you mind's eye camera but not shown us the picture. Only you have seen it. Tell me more. Please.
She is hell.Are you telling the reader this as an adjunct to what has gone before or are you aware of the fact that this reader has no idea at all what the first stanza is about. To give more information of an enigmatic nature to add to the already puzzling beginning is not helpful.

Fangs beneath sweet lips:OK. Start again. A surely horrific and soul trembling image. Fangs, no less. Sharp, pointed, glistening with saliva, threatening flesh-tearing, excruciatingly painful injury. Blood red, full lips, curled back....Oh! How to describe this terrifying image....I cannot wait for the next line!
such a sight.Yep. That does it.
Sickness within this flesh
where she dwells.Back to the non-sentence and, sorry, a disconnect. How do we transport our though processes to here (living in supporating flesh) from there (Pointy toothed, white-clad, sensuous seductress)? I don't. You force me to give up.

I break from her beauty. I really want to see what you see but you have given me false information. What is this thing called beauty that bears its teeth and lives in rotting flesh. Metaphorically you are adrift on a sea of self-indulgence. You MUST invite reader on board. I am drowning here
Mind now pure
I my great protector.
shields my eyes.Read this line and tell me it is fine with you as it is.

Death of the pale temptress.
Broken lure.
I embrace my soul with
sin denied.I have left the building.

Round 2...FIGHT!
Deadly the seductress
clothed in plain white.
Blood’s underneath snow.
Beauty befell.

Desire in sweet lips:
But somehow a fright. No capital after a colon. In fact, no colon, really
Regret within her flesh
where her kind dwells.

I break from her beauty.
Mind now pure
But just a thin veil by inconsistency you show incompetancy. Why capitaise "but" and not "shields"?
shields my sore eyes.

Death of the pale temptress.
I break her lure.
I embrace my soul with
temptation denied.

(I feel like this is a step up!)

Though I appreciate you efforts in coralling this one, I just cannot sit on its back for more than a second or two before I am tossed off by its wild cavorting. The second "revision" (is that what it is?) above is a little more controlled but is incongruously titled "Fight". What ARE you trying to say? I am glad you feel, though, that it is a step up. I would like to feel likewise.
Too vague and pretentious. We all do it, sometimes.
Best,
tectak

-
Hey tectak, I know I would just be beating a dead horse to go further with this, and I want to thank you for pointing out to me that this poem wasn't that great (like you said. It happens). One thing I just want to point out though is that the "title" of the second draft wasn't a title but more of a reference to Mortal Kombat, saying it was the second draft. But silly me for making a video game reference on a poetry site. But anyways I guess I'll learn from mistakes... I don't think I'll mess with it anymore. But idk if I reformatted ita lot, with some of the same content, it may be okay... like I said, idk.

---

You know what? Screw it I'll try it one more time! Editing for one last shot now!

[Brownlie]

There aren't many references to video games in poetry, it could be unique and there are vivid images in video games.

[tectak]

There aren't many references to video games in poetry, it could be unique and there are vivid images in video games.

There aren't many references in serious poetry to video games...do not encourage les autres. You will end up with the psychotic digitally depressed writing angst poetry about dungeons and bloody dragons, and believing it is about life!
If you want to read about video games go to your nearest Toys'r'Us. If you want to write about video games...post in Novice or Fun. Hopefully, that is where they will get the most apposite crit. One man's view.(though gleaned from bitter experience over many years)
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

That was pretty damn funny. Perhaps All poetry will be about video games in 100 years lol.

[C.M.C.]

It wasn't the title. It's more of me saying it was the second draft. Thought people would catch on lol. Oh well.

[Catcherin]

I think the revision is a LOT better than the original, certainly made it a teasing piece. Overall I'd say it is a little vague, its a well furnished concept but I'd love to see you apply this kind of linguistic style to something more specific. Not the most constructive comment ever so sorry.