to be deaf

[Obloquy]

to not be able to listen to music
each subtle breathe a singer takes before verses
the sound of fingers sliding down strings
the blunt sound of a stick hitting drums

to not be able to hear nature
the sound of feet crunching crisp leaves in august
raindrops hitting a more structured source of liquid
the sound of a rabbit?s tiny feet scrambling off

to not be able to hear the ones you love most
your mother giving you her final words on her deathbed
your soulmate whispering into your ear right before you sleep
your childs first words

if my life were to be in this mute trance,
and i knew how wonderful the world is
i might just stop living in it.

[C.M.C.]

I want to say firstly that this poem stirred up something in me. Whether it was emotion or just being trapped in thought filled trance, I'm not sure. But it works! The only complaint that I may have is that, the last stanza just feels off, being three lines with the rest four. Unless there is a specific reason or structure for it, you might want to add another line in there. Whatever you do though, don't just throw a line in there to throw a line in there. It should be thought about and flow well. Not that you would have a problem with it since the poem does very nicely.

[cidermaid]

Hi,
This one has touched me very much. My daughter lost 30% in one ear and 100% in her other and is classified as profoundly (as opposed to completely) deaf. The things you write about in your poem are exactly the things that break my heart for her. How many times have I said "Oh listen to that bird sing!" and she cannot hear it, or taken her to a concert or speaker only to leave because she is upset because she is missing 60% of the content or meaning in an event. There is so much we / hearing folk take for granted and I firstly want to thank you for writing about this. It makes me wonder if you know someone who is deaf to write in such a thoughtful way

Concerning the poem itself.
I did not want to make much crit (because I liked that you have written about this so much), but will just mention that the final line of the 2nd stanza is not very smooth to read. I think firstly there is a small typo in that you have a question mark instead of an apostrophe mark for the possessive S. Perhaps if you wish to keep this line mostly as it is, then try something like the sound of tiny rabbit's feet scurrying off. (Alternatively the most poignant for me and my daughter is the inability to hear a skylark sing).
Finally the last stanza is a little too harsh for my taste in the ending. My daughter has a zest for life as much as mine. She is acutely aware of what she is missing, but she loves life to the full and I think her loss has made her appreciate things even more and the same goes for me in watching her live...so I would prefer a more subtle ending. Perhaps something about another sensory element such as: the sun might not seem so bright as it does today.

Thank you for sharing this AJ.

[qwerty_H]

Hi. I liked a lot of the poem like the detail of what you think you would miss most if you couldn't hear. It defeinitely feels to have a little bit of an outside perspective though. Kind of like the thoughts of someone who knows they never will have to face any real challenges in life writing about if they had the challenge of being deaf. IOW, I think your narrator might be a apoiled brat.

Thakns

-H

[Tommy]

to not be able to listen to music
each subtle breathe a singer takes before verses I love this.
the sound of fingers sliding down strings
the blunt sound of a stick hitting drums

to not be able to hear nature
the sound of feet crunching crisp leaves in august
raindrops hitting a more structured source of liquid - a more structured source of liquid? Huh?
the sound of a rabbit?s tiny feet scrambling off -typo

to not be able to hear the ones you love most
your mother giving you her final words on her deathbed
your soulmate whispering into your ear right before you sleep try it w/o "into your ear."
your childs first words

if my life were to be in this mute trance,
and i knew how wonderful the world is
i might just stop living in it. I came up short here. I think you can give me more.

This subject matter is quite touching and I like the way you've illustrated your point by concentrating on the little things missed that mean oh so much (like capitalization ) Thanks for the read.

[Magpie]

Hi Obloquy,
I just had to comment on this poem. First of all, excellent choice of subject matter and the way that you have opened the poem with those delicate descriptions of the ambient sounds within music is very beautiful. I would also hazard a guess that you are a musician. Your other descriptions are also very beautiful but the first stanza is really exquisite.
Also I would reiterate what AJ has said for I too felt slightly let down by the ending, but in some ways that is a testament to how beautiful the rest of your poem is. I won't say too much about it, but I also feel that it has a wonderful opportunity to end in an equally beautiful sentiment as portrayed by the rest of the poem. I've never met a person with a so called "disability" who hasn't used it to become far greater in many respects.
Thanks for the read I really enjoyed it.
AR