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Joined: Apr 2013
(I'm only turning 18 next month so I'm not wise enough to really understand much about life, but I hope this isn't too shortsighted anyway).
Secret of Childhood
In the freshly cut Summer's grass
where flowers grow and children play,
quietly hides a most endearing secret
that we all lived so long ago.
It can be heard in the birds' song
and the leaves' rustling;
felt on the prickly seeds
and dogs' soft licking;
seen in midnight dreams
and children's young smiles.
For me it's found not just here,
but in a most everlasting place.
Where no matter the season
or emotional change of face
it's relived in my memory
like the day it was born.
It is there with my father,
who nourishes it with care.
My secret of childhood:
the man who raised me here
among these prickly seeds
and Summer's grass,
that when I am near him
again I can know
the joy everyone has
as a child playing.
"We write to make sense of it all." -W. Stegner
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
Hi Eli
This has a wistful feel to it and also a celebration of childhood captured in memories of summer in the garden with dad, I have put some suggested edits below, but I'm sure with fathers dad coming up, he would love to read this. TOMH
(05-14-2013, 07:35 AM)eli Wrote: (I'm only turning 18 next month so I'm not wise enough to really understand much about life, but I hope this isn't too shortsighted anyway).
Secret of Childhood
In the freshly cut Summer's grass a bit week doesnt really grab your interest
where flowers grow and children play,
quietly hides a most endearing secret
that we all lived so long ago. feels a little forced
It can be heard in the birds' song
and the leaves' rustling; rustling leaves
felt on the prickly seeds
and dogs' soft licking;
seen in midnight dreams
and children's young smiles. some good images here that enrich the poem
For me it's found not just here,
but in a most everlasting place.
Where no matter the season
or emotional change of face
it's relived in my memory
like the day it was born. not sure this sound right do you remember the day you were born ?
It is there with my father,
who nourishes it with care. does he or is he unaware he carries it ?
My secret of childhood:
the man who raised me here
among these prickly seeds
and Summer's grass,
that when I am near him
again I can know
the joy everyone has
as a child playing. I like this gentle, wistful ending
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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Hey buddy, I see T.O.M.H has given you his feedback, I'd say that'd do it, the ending was very nice and cherry-ish I liked the last stanza very much, if only the start was a bit more powerful I'd a poem to remember for quite a while
The dad's element gave it a nice touch
, grass, rustling leaves aah nothing what my childhood was like
, I wish it was
, a very wonderful effort and btw. Shouldn't it be THE most
Endearing secret instead of "A" most ?
Posts: 16
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
(05-17-2013, 06:42 AM)Being human Wrote: Shouldn't it be THE most
Endearing secret instead of "A" most ?
Yes, that makes more sense. Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
"We write to make sense of it all." -W. Stegner
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
every second of our lives is a new experience, so if you 8, 18 or 88, you've had a lot already
the poem reads as a sweet poem but in reality it's only so because of an abundance of clichés and wordiness. try and come up with so fresh phrases and cut out anything that doesn't add to the poem. rip the heart of the poem out of what you have and do a six million dollar man on it, rebuild it
you have enough to work with. don't worry about experience worry about quality. pick out those extraordinary moments of your childhood and show them as an image. (a trickle of wee onto dad's face as he held you a loft Kunta Kinte style (a character from roots) bring your childhood to life.
(05-14-2013, 07:35 AM)eli Wrote: (I'm only turning 18 next month so I'm not wise enough to really understand much about life, but I hope this isn't too shortsighted anyway).
Secret of Childhood
In the freshly cut Summer's grass
where flowers grow and children play, this sort of conflicts with the line above
quietly hides a most endearing secret
that we all lived so long ago. so you're only talking to older people then? this line feels unnecessary
It can be heard in the birds' song
and the leaves' rustling;
felt on the prickly seeds
and dogs' soft licking;
seen in midnight dreams
and children's young smiles.
For me it's found not just here,
but in a most everlasting place.
Where no matter the season
or emotional change of face
it's relived in my memory
like the day it was born.
It is there with my father,
who nourishes it with care.
My secret of childhood:
the man who raised me here
among these prickly seeds
and Summer's grass,
that when I am near him
again I can know
the joy everyone has
as a child playing.
