Posts: 36
Threads: 23
Joined: Jan 2013
I crawled from darkness
Into the light
For you were a bliss
You pulled me out
I then crawled back
Into that pit of lust
Alas!
You came to me once more
And at the end
When I smiled upon you
Full of cheer and joy
You turned your back on me
I then went to see my pit of shame
Once more
Yep, I'm awesome at making signatures too, be jealous :p
![[Image: ZHB2W.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/ZHB2W.jpg)
I crawled from darkness
Into the light
For you were a bliss
You pulled me out
I then, crawled back
Into that pit of lust
Alas!
You came to me once more
And at the end
When I smiled upon you
Full of cheer and joy
You turned your back on me
I then, went to see my pit of shame
Once more
Why do you put commas after "I then"?
You've been away a while, but I hate to admit, you haven't come back with much. If you want a pause after "then", maybe a dash or a line break. The poem seems too obvious. You know?
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
I agree with rowens, it is too direct. I feel that the poem would benefit a lot, from a little more imagination in the words and images. JMHO, of course.
Thanks for the read.
Posts: 36
Threads: 23
Joined: Jan 2013
I actually have no idea what are those commas doing there
Yep, I'm awesome at making signatures too, be jealous :p
Posts: 68
Threads: 10
Joined: Mar 2013
Hey Sonata, I tended to agree with the the other critiques. You told the story a little to directly for my taste. The idea of crawling in and out of the 'pit' is pretty cool and I think the idea has the potential to be more powerful. Also, maybe a new stanza for the final 'crawling back into the pit of shame'? I think the break could be useful for the emotion. Like the character is stunned and silent before withdrawing back into the pit. Thanks for the read!
