The Parting

[Pilgrim]

The Parting

I dreamt last night
of fearfulness
and separation …
so long ago,
so renascent
in sadness,
in regret.

There was
faint music
from a distant room –
no symphony
nor madrigal
nor fugue,
but sweet-remembered
fragments
of a peasant song
from infants’ school;
and young frau Rosenbaum,
substantial in her girth
and in her kindnesses,
who stood her ground
protectively
when noisily they came
to rid the school
of vermin,
so they said;
and cursed her then,
and when she would not yield:
Fat Jew they yelled
and roughed her
to the trucks
Treblinka-bound;
while I, dry-eyed and unaware,
though yet in parting’s thrall,
waved mute goodbye
until she disappeared.

Awakened then,
to darkness and remorse,
I wept a silent tear
for our parting.

[tectak]

Hi pilgrim, good to see you posting in serious. I will put aside my prejudices for now regarding linguine lines. Poetry made long by making thin predisposes me to harshness which I am trying to overcome Line by line.See you at the end.
The Parting

I dreamt last night
of fearfulness
and separation …As an opener it is stark but apposite...and I like that. The scene is set. Martin Luther King used the same technique
so long ago,
so renascent Renascent is a good word choice. In this context it could easily be stretched a little to imply an upsurging of old emotions. Is this the dream-emotion which stays around incongrously and taints the waking hours? I ask only because I am uncertain over the two "in" words following. What is the in ...er...in?
in sadness,
in regret.

There was
faint music
from a distant room – Drop the dash. Its use us limited and prefers a partner. I must mention the problem of rhythm dictated by line breaks. We are riding a horse here, where the flow would be better served by drifting languidly along in a coracle. I am still in a dream-like frame of mind so feel the indecent haste of the form. That is all.
no symphony
nor madrigal
nor fugue,
but sweet-remembered
fragments
of a peasant song....very nice stuff...but I am reading this with deliberate avoidance of your short line idiosyncracies. Not everyone would be this considerate.
from infants’ school;
and young frau Rosenbaum,
substantial in her girth
and in her kindnesses,
who stood her ground
protectively
when noisily they came
to rid the school
of vermin,
so they said; A bit of a torn bag here. Everything came tumbling out and some of your "they"'s got mixed up with some of your semicolons,colons,commas. A little too hard to read.
and cursed her then,
and when she would not yield:
Fat Jew they yelled
and roughed her
to the trucks
Treblinka-bound;
while I, dry-eyed and unaware,
though yet in parting’s thrall,
waved mute goodbye
until she disappeared. Yes. Over and inaccurately punctuated for sure. Needs looking at

Awakened then,
to darkness and remorse,
I wept a silent tear
for our parting. Rushed ending which could have been poignant
Liked it.
best,
tectak

[Pilgrim]

Hi pilgrim, good to see you posting in serious. I will put aside my prejudices for now regarding linguine lines. Poetry made long by making thin predisposes me to harshness which I am trying to overcome Line by line.See you at the end.
The Parting

I dreamt last night
of fearfulness
and separation …As an opener it is stark but apposite...and I like that. The scene is set. Martin Luther King used the same technique
so long ago,
so renascent Renascent is a good word choice. In this context it could easily be stretched a little to imply an upsurging of old emotions. Is this the dream-emotion which stays around incongrously and taints the waking hours? I ask only because I am uncertain over the two "in" words following. What is the in ...er...in?
in sadness,
in regret.

There was
faint music
from a distant room – Drop the dash. Its use us limited and prefers a partner. I must mention the problem of rhythm dictated by line breaks. We are riding a horse here, where the flow would be better served by drifting languidly along in a coracle. I am still in a dream-like frame of mind so feel the indecent haste of the form. That is all.
no symphony
nor madrigal
nor fugue,
but sweet-remembered
fragments
of a peasant song....very nice stuff...but I am reading this with deliberate avoidance of your short line idiosyncracies. Not everyone would be this considerate.
from infants’ school;
and young frau Rosenbaum,
substantial in her girth
and in her kindnesses,
who stood her ground
protectively
when noisily they came
to rid the school
of vermin,
so they said; A bit of a torn bag here. Everything came tumbling out and some of your "they"'s got mixed up with some of your semicolons,colons,commas. A little too hard to read.
and cursed her then,
and when she would not yield:
Fat Jew they yelled
and roughed her
to the trucks
Treblinka-bound;
while I, dry-eyed and unaware,
though yet in parting’s thrall,
waved mute goodbye
until she disappeared. Yes. Over and inaccurately punctuated for sure. Needs looking at

Awakened then,
to darkness and remorse,
I wept a silent tear
for our parting. Rushed ending which could have been poignant
Liked it.
best,
tectak

Hello, tectak. Thank you for your illuminating critique, especially the focus on line breaks. These, together with dashes, are for me a regular team of bêtes noires if ever there was one; concepts which I understand in principle but am apparently unable to apply in practice.

Nothing for it but to keep at it!

Thank you again. I do appreciate your insight.

Regards,

Pilgrim.