07-17-2012, 12:58 PM
As you have already done so much excellent work, I have nothing left to do but quibble. This would hardly be considered light criticism, so forgive me if I pick too many nits.
- Sticking a needle through a spindled (pierced) eye strikes me as redundant. I know you are going for a fairy tale rhyme and I do love the ambiguous potential of sticking a needle through an eye. I would not dare suggest you get rid of a lovely word like spindle, but maybe sticking a needle. Also, that opening set of rhymes doesn't easily connect for me to the whole post-happy ending Cinderella story you have.
- Indignity of Hate - Indignity of Love... I would prefer it not be laid out in such simple parallel structure. Something concrete or sensory (but no less clear) might do better here.
- the cummingsism (hopesdreamswishes) seems a bit out of character for the poem. it actually makes the conversations seem more passionate. or, if it is subtext, then it may not be necessary with the wonderful rodential representatives that arrive later.
- a glass shoe does not seem in and of itself paradoxical. It's a great phrase and a tidy bonnet to place on the poem, but it feels the slightest bit unearned and unclear.
This is quite a strong poem. I hope I have been useful.
- Sticking a needle through a spindled (pierced) eye strikes me as redundant. I know you are going for a fairy tale rhyme and I do love the ambiguous potential of sticking a needle through an eye. I would not dare suggest you get rid of a lovely word like spindle, but maybe sticking a needle. Also, that opening set of rhymes doesn't easily connect for me to the whole post-happy ending Cinderella story you have.
- Indignity of Hate - Indignity of Love... I would prefer it not be laid out in such simple parallel structure. Something concrete or sensory (but no less clear) might do better here.
- the cummingsism (hopesdreamswishes) seems a bit out of character for the poem. it actually makes the conversations seem more passionate. or, if it is subtext, then it may not be necessary with the wonderful rodential representatives that arrive later.
- a glass shoe does not seem in and of itself paradoxical. It's a great phrase and a tidy bonnet to place on the poem, but it feels the slightest bit unearned and unclear.
This is quite a strong poem. I hope I have been useful.