Elephants pt. 2

[tectak]

*Apologies for taking up space on the boards. but, the poem has taken a direction that separates it from the original (What Elephants Remember), and therefore I wanted to give it specific attention while also trying to improve the other*

V. 2 adjusted on previous comments by leanne and don

Leaving the water hole,
Uganda grasses
softer than the sun
soaked dust,

Mother must have known
the time. We lost
her until sunset;

could not tell
a flick of her tail
from the weeds,
or find a shred

of her tusks, once hung
like strokes of thunder
over our own.

By then, the grass
was already caressing
her head, the way
elephants cannot, forgetting

how her missing teeth
had once devoured
the blades of daughters—

how she had led
all of us
to do the same.
After we found her

cold as desert
her sister led us
away, not wanting
to take

as much of her
as we did
as we left.

hi phil,
I have given this my best shot but I just cannot make headway through the entangled grammatical jungle. I know I complain over-consistently on this subject but with this piece you have completely vindicated my whining.I cannot appreciate the niceties of this poem whilst concentrating on what is fixed to what and what is linked to where. The very first stanza is a howler in the compendium called "I shot an elephant in my pyjamas"
I will leave this for now because I think that this may be the piece that reins you in......without my intervention

Best, really,
tectak



v. 1

Drought led us
to the water
hole, Uganda
grasses softer
than the sun
soaked dust.

Mother must have
known the time.
We lost her
until sunset;
could not tell
a flick of her

tail from the weeds,
or find a flash
of her tusks, once
hung like strokes
of thunder over
our own.

By then, the grass
was already caressing
her head, the way
elephants cannot, forgetting
how her missing teeth
had once devoured

its daughters—
how she had led
all of us
to do the same.
We found her
cold as desert

and, to be honest,
did not want
to take away
as much of her
as we did
as we left.