*Apologies for taking up space on the boards. but, the poem has taken a direction that separates it from the original (What Elephants Remember), and therefore I wanted to give it specific attention while also trying to improve the other*

V. 2 adjusted on previous comments by leanne and don

Leaving the water hole,
Uganda grasses
softer than the sun
soaked dust,

Mother must have known
the time. We lost
her until sunset;

could not tell
a flick of her tail
from the weeds,
or find a shred

of her tusks, once hung
like strokes of thunder
over our own.

By then, the grass
was already caressing
her head, the way
elephants cannot, forgetting

how her missing teeth
had once devoured
the blades of daughters—

how she had led
all of us
to do the same.
After we found her

cold as desert
her sister led us
away, not wanting
to take

as much of her
as we did
as we left.





v. 1

Drought led us
to the water
hole, Uganda
grasses softer
than the sun
soaked dust.

Mother must have
known the time.
We lost her
until sunset;
could not tell
a flick of her

tail from the weeds,
or find a flash
of her tusks, once
hung like strokes
of thunder over
our own.

By then, the grass
was already caressing
her head, the way
elephants cannot, forgetting
how her missing teeth
had once devoured

its daughters—
how she had led
all of us
to do the same.
We found her
cold as desert

and, to be honest,
did not want
to take away
as much of her
as we did
as we left.

Don't apologise!

I am going to ruminate for a while on this. The only thing that stands out at the moment is that I think you've lost something by saying "blades of daughters" instead of "blades of its daughters" -- previously it was clear that the elephant had been eating the grass' "daughters", now they lack identity.

(07-16-2012, 03:52 AM)Philatone Wrote:  *Apologies for taking up space on the boards. but, the poem has taken a direction that separates it from the original (What Elephants Remember), and therefore I wanted to give it specific attention while also trying to improve the other*

V. 2 adjusted on previous comments by leanne and don

Leaving the water hole,
Uganda grasses
softer than the sun
soaked dust,

Mother must have known
the time. We lost
her until sunset;

could not tell
a flick of her tail
from the weeds,
or find a shred

of her tusks, once hung
like strokes of thunder
over our own.

By then, the grass
was already caressing
her head, the way
elephants cannot, forgetting

how her missing teeth
had once devoured
the blades of daughters—

how she had led
all of us
to do the same.
After we found her

cold as desert
her sister led us
away, not wanting
to take

as much of her
as we did
as we left.

hi phil,
I have given this my best shot but I just cannot make headway through the entangled grammatical jungle. I know I complain over-consistently on this subject but with this piece you have completely vindicated my whining.I cannot appreciate the niceties of this poem whilst concentrating on what is fixed to what and what is linked to where. The very first stanza is a howler in the compendium called "I shot an elephant in my pyjamas"
I will leave this for now because I think that this may be the piece that reins you in......without my intervention

Best, really,
tectak



v. 1

Drought led us
to the water
hole, Uganda
grasses softer
than the sun
soaked dust.

Mother must have
known the time.
We lost her
until sunset;
could not tell
a flick of her

tail from the weeds,
or find a flash
of her tusks, once
hung like strokes
of thunder over
our own.

By then, the grass
was already caressing
her head, the way
elephants cannot, forgetting
how her missing teeth
had once devoured

its daughters—
how she had led
all of us
to do the same.
We found her
cold as desert

and, to be honest,
did not want
to take away
as much of her
as we did
as we left.

Hi P/G - I think the new version is an improvement; and it was a good idea to split this into a poem in its own right.

One thing that caught my eye (and I can't work out if it's intentional or not, if that matters) is the patterning of half-rhymed lines. I think the third stanza drew this to my attention first - 'tell - tail - weeds - shred', then the assonantal rhyme of 'hung - thunder', the consonantal rhyme of 'grass - caressing' (or 'caressing - forgetting'), and before that you have 'sun - dust', 'lost - sunset'. I wonder if introducing a (half-)rhyme scheme is worth pursuing, making the lines a bit longer and more flexible; the voice sounds a bit more considered and thoughtful than these short lines allow.

I understand that image about the daughters being the grass's daughters now. But I'm still not keen on it! Part of this has to do with the inclusion of 'devoured', which brings Goya's 'Saturn devouring one of his sons' to mind - yikes! It feels like it's far too violent a comparison to draw for chewing grass, particularly given the measured tone of the rest of the poem. Is there an image you could use without personification?

Other points:
* Still not keen on the 'thunder' simile - how can one have a 'stroke of thunder'? - but it's your poem! The 'tail - grass' imagery and the later simile 'cold as desert' are far more effective, I think.
* I would try to rephrase the later stanzas so you have a stanza break before 'After we found her' - that cries out to be the first line of a new stanza.
* I'm not so sure about the anaphoric repetition of 'as' in the last stanza, it's a bit distracting.
* And maybe 'where Uganda grasses | are' in the first stanza tidies up the syntax a bit; but I think you're right to delay the main clause until the end of the sentence.

Hope that helps. Cheers, dm.

i'm very confused but that's another story , i'm going to give feedback on this latest edit as though i haven't seen the original (mainly because my brain is a fragile flower)

(07-16-2012, 03:52 AM)Philatone Wrote:  *Apologies for taking up space on the boards. but, the poem has taken a direction that separates it from the original (What Elephants Remember), and therefore I wanted to give it specific attention while also trying to improve the other*

V. 2 adjusted on previous comments by leanne and don

Leaving the water hole,
Uganda grasses would an and in front of this line help? other wise it's an obvious statement that grass is softer than dust
softer than the sun
soaked dust, Uganda is an awesome word, it has so many images attached to it.

Mother must have known
the time. We lost
her until sunset; would her moved up to the line above help the enjambment

could not tell
a flick of her tail
from the weeds,
or find a shred

of her tusks, once hung her feels a bit redundant
like strokes of thunder
over our own.

By then, the grass
was already caressing
her head, the way
elephants cannot, forgetting

how her missing teeth
had once devoured
the blades of daughters—

how she had led
all of us
to do the same.
After we found her

cold as desert
her sister led us
away, not wanting
to take

as much of her
as we did
as we left. really petty thing here but would and work better than the third as, which i know makes it a triple as thing and such

i just had a peek at the original and thought it was trying too hard to be minimal, this one works much better, the en jambs are much better placed here. i think this one has a feel to it that isn't too heavy. while tight, i don't think it too tight as to lose the sense of loss (which i think) you're aiming for.